I have been working on a post to chronicle our time in
Florida and this is not it. I was up
with Jase last night feeding him and most of this ran through my mind like a
midnight freight train and I am compelled to write and post about it……..
One year ago today, our lives were forever changed by a
beautiful baby boy who gave us the gift of knowing what it is like to be
parents. Little did we know on that
fateful day how tragic that situation would turn out to be. As I look back on the days it took to get to
California, I am reminded of the emotional roller coaster we faced and how we
threw caution to the wind and dove in head first. We knew there was potential for a negative
outcome but we were so determined to become parents and have a family that the
risks did not outweigh the benefits.
Once we laid eyes on that precious baby boy, we knew in our hearts that all
of the trials and tribulations we had endured were worth it to get to him. We cried as we held him and fell in love
instantly. For 5 days we experienced
immeasurable joy and were given a taste of what life would be like as a family.
Then the worse happened….the thing you know is a possibility
but even thinking about it is painful, talking about it takes your breath away. Our hearts were not simply broken, they were
shattered beyond repair. We became
shells of the people we had been, simply going through the motions of life
during the day and crying at night. There
are bits and pieces of the weeks that followed that I remember, seeing the sadness
on the faces of friends and loved ones who were concerned for us, hearing
people quietly ask Jon, “How’s Jaime doing?” and wondering if I would ever
recover, if my heart would ever be whole again.
The days, weeks and months that followed were so difficult at times I wondered
if I could even get out of bed. I forced
myself to do a lot of things in an effort to merely exist.
Then the best happened…..we received the phone call that
would give our hearts hope of a future. We
had been chosen again and we were going to walk down that path once more. Our enthusiasm was guarded, just like our
hearts but we both had this feeling that something was different this
time. Too afraid to claim the situation
was “right”, we simply said we felt different and prayed fervently for this birth
mom and this baby.
Now, here I sit in my living room filled with baby
paraphernalia as my son sits in his swing (his Daddy calls it the coma
machine!) writing this post about what has happened this past year. Some people have been so bold as to say, “See,
everything happens for a reason!” or “This was God’s plan for you.” and I
continue to find that to be offensive. I
refuse to believe that the God that I serve would cause us such pain and
heartache as we made our way to becoming a family. I firmly believe in the verse in Jeremiah
that states His plan is NOT to harm me but to give me hope and a future. I accept and understand that our journey to
becoming a family was neither traditional nor was it simple. That is our story and I fully acknowledge it
as such. However, I do not believe that
God sits upon His mighty throne, rubbing His hands together, eagerly waiting to
crush His children in order for them to rise from the ashes and fully
appreciate the blessings they have been given.
As I have said before, bad things happen to good people and sometimes
those bad things are caused by other humans who choose not to follow what God
has asked them to do.
I will always believe that Jensen was supposed to come home
with us, that he was to be our son. Instead,
his birth mother chose to be selfish and not allow him the opportunity of
having a loving home with two parents who could offer him more than he would
ever need. Someday, she will have to
answer for her actions and the way she treated us.
The timeline of events that have occurred over the past 14
months has amazed me. It could not have
been coincidental that these happenings took place on these certain days. I want to share it with you so you can
understand why I feel so strongly about all of this. Last May, on the 17th, we received
the phone call that we had been chosen to be Jensen’s parents. Two months later, on July 17th, he
was taken from us. Exactly ten months
later, on May 17th, Jase was born.
Many of you know that doctors consider a pregnancy to be 40 weeks, which
is, that’s right, 10 months.
I don’t think God’s plan for our lives was to have our
hearts shattered in this way. I do
believe His plan was for us to be parents and when Jensen was taken away from
us, by the actions of another person, a design was set in motion for our second
chance, for Jase. It took 10 long months
of healing to bring us to him but here we are, finally a family. Our dreams are being realized and words cannot
express how genuinely blessed we feel.
Another event that occurred on this timeline of ours that I feel
needs mentioning is my commitment during the month of February to focus on
giving. For my birthday month, I wanted
to focus on giving to others through Acts of Kindness, instead of dwelling on
the fact that I would be another year older and not have the one thing I wanted
more than anything else. I had so much
fun thinking of all the things I could do!
I made a calendar so that I could do 35 Acts of Kindness since I was
turning 35. I had a few people ask me
about it and they decided to go on their own “mission of kindness”. If you recall, we received the phone call
about Jase in February, also. What I take
from that is sometimes you have to focus on giving of yourself to others in
order to get past some of the hurt you have experienced. By shifting my attention to being kind to others,
I was able to forget, even for just a little bit how much I was hurting. I truly believe that I needed to be at that
particular point in my healing process before I would be able to move on to another
adoption opportunity. If we had been
presented with Jase before then, I may not have been able to commit. My heart had healed just enough to be open to
the prospect of another chance at my dream.
So, today on Jensen’s first birthday I am the epitome of
mixed emotions. My heart still aches for
him but my arms are now full as I hold Jase.
I wonder so many things about him.
Is he healthy? Is he walking
yet? Has he said his first word? Will he ever know who we are, how much we
love him or the joy he brought us? As much
as I miss him, I love Jase more and I realize if Jensen were here, Jase would
not be. It truly is a heart wrenching
paradox. I guess in a perfect world, I would
be able to have them both in my arms and we would have a wonderfully crazy
house!
I will silently celebrate Jensen today and all that he gave
us. Brief as it was, we were his parents
and that is something no one can take away from us. And I will forever be grateful to the amazing
woman named Leah from Florida who was brave enough to do what she felt God had
chosen her to do. She made our dreams
come true and gave us a son, who is 8 weeks old today!
