"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart. I'll stay there forever." - Winnie the Pooh

I woke up this morning feeling anxious, with tightness in my chest unsure as to why I was feeling this way.  I lay still, listening for Jase to hear if he was crying only to hear the rhythmic sounds of 2 sleeping fellas and a couple ceiling fans clicking.  I did a mental checklist of my things to do, wondering if I forgot something important…..nothing seemed to be out of order.  So, I grabbed my ipad  on the nightstand and thought I would enjoy the peace and quiet of a Saturday morning before everyone got up.  I had a text message from a sweet friend with encouraging words and I read it 2 times before I remembered what today is.  I’ve dreaded today and what it is all week.  I don’t know how I could have forgotten, even for the brief few minutes that my sleepy mind was unaware.   My heart had not forgotten, it woke me up with a pounding that made me think something was wrong.  I lay there staring at these kind words from a dear friend and quietly cried because something is wrong….

Today is Jensen’s 2^nd birthday.  I can’t help but wonder about all that could have been and the “what if’s” that this day brings to mind.  It’s weird how even after 2 whole years, not a day goes by that I don’t wonder and worry about him.   Almost 2 months ago we celebrated Jase’s birthday and I’ll admit, it was an extravagant affair!  We went all out and celebrated him and his first year in style!  I wouldn’t have had it any other way.  I was thinking about this as I lay in bed this morning and wondered if Jensen will have a birthday party today.  Most of you are probably shaking your head and thinking, “Now, Jaime, I’m sure he’s going to have a birthday party.” But then again, most of you don’t know about the conversations I had with his mother, who text me asking if I could wire her money to buy a birthday cake for her older son.  I’m certain that her circumstances haven’t changed in these past 2 years, so being concerned over this is completely valid.  And who doesn’t have money for a birthday cake?! 

And if he doesn’t have a birthday cake, does he have new shoes for the summer?  Does he have swim trunks to play in the water?  Does he have a blanket or a favorite stuffed animal or toy?  Does he still have the stuffed cow we gave him as he was taken out of our arms and ripped from our lives?  Does he go to bed every night with a full belly in a warm bed knowing he will be loved forever?  Will he ever know how much we love him and how our hearts still ache to know he is safe?  Will we ever see him again and get to tell him that although we weren’t allowed to be his forever parents, he gave us the greatest gift of experiencing the love of a parent for the first time?  Will he grow to be a strong, kind, hard-working man who loves God and his family?  These are the questions that keep me up some nights and keep a part of my heart broken.

When people hear our story, sometimes they say things like “It just wasn’t meant to be” or “But look at Jase and how wonderful he is”.  None of this helps me feel any better.   Am I supposed to forget about this precious boy that I held to my chest and loved instantly?  Am I not supposed to worry for him and pray he has all the things he needs and gets all the love he deserves?  Anyone who is a mother knows you simply can’t turn those instincts off just because you no longer see your child.  It’s not the same but the only thing I can think to compare it to is when your child grows up and goes off to college.  Essentially, your job as a parent is complete but as my parents have told me and I know understand, just because your child isn’t living with you, doesn’t mean you will ever stop worrying about them and praying that they are safe and happy and making good choices.  Just because Jensen isn’t physically with us, doesn’t mean we aren’t concerned for him and his well-being.  And quite honestly, if my phone rang today and someone said, “Nicole has decided she wants you be Jensen’s parents.”  I would drop everything again, throw some clothes in a bag, give JP a plane pill, buckle Jase in his car seat and head to the airport to fly to California.  I would bring this boy home in heart beat if I had the chance.  I think a tiny part of me will always be waiting for him and I think I will miss him forever.  Even after 2 years, there are still times when I think of him and suddenly it gets hard to breath, like the air is too thick for my lungs and my heart hurts because I can’t breathe through the tears that well up in my eyes.

Everyone has gone through something that has changed them in a way that they could never go back to the person they once were.  This was our thing……this changed us both, forever.  Two years ago today, we were on what we can all agree would be the worst travel experience EVER, trying our absolute best just to get to this sweet baby!  We were anxious, excited, full of anticipation and hope as we made our way to California and what we thought would be our baby boy.  I will never forget seeing him for the first time, gasping with tears at his innocent beauty and watching JP hold him, ever so gently and basking in the joy of that moment that we had waited so long to experience.  Sometimes I try to remember every second I had with him, just to make sure that time hasn’t let me forget anything.  I’ve said this before and as ridiculous as it sounds, even if I knew how it was going to end, I would do it all over again.  I can’t say that I can make sense of all this pain but I know how wonderful it felt to hold him and kiss him and even though it hurts beyond explanation, it was also the greatest feeling I had experienced up to that point in my life.  He changed us, being his parents for 5 days made us different people.  Maybe not to a degree that was noticeable to anyone else but he changed our hearts forever and at that moment, we knew we could never go back to just being us.  We knew we were made to be parents and refused to give up on that!  Little did we know that the baby boy who would be ours forever would bring us joy beyond measure and heal our broken hearts like no one else could.

I can’t take credit for this quote but I I have to share it because I think it sums this up perfectly.   

“To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever.  The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes…….this hole in your heart is in the shape of the one you lost, no one can fit it.” – Jeanette Winterson

We will always have a “Jensen shaped hole” in our hearts.  We will always miss him, love him, worry and pray over him.  He is a part of who we are and there will always be a little piece of our hearts in California with him, our golden nugget.  So happy 2^nd birthday, sweet boy!  We are celebrating here as best we can without you by holding each other tight and remembering what you gave to us.  I just wish there was a way for you to know just how much you are loved by these 2 people whose lives you changed forever…….

"More than any other human relationship, overwhelmingly more, motherhood means being instandly interruptible, responsive and responsible." -- Tillie Olsen

One year ago today, we got on a plane and headed to Florida for the trip of a lifetime!  We could not stand to wait at home for another day, so we packed up and flew south to wait for our son, Jase.  A whole year has passed since we left our home for the last time as just a couple.  365 days ago, I nervously answered a phone call from Leah who said she thought something was going on but wasn’t sure if it was labor.  That’s 8,760 hours…….525,600 minutes……31,536,000 seconds…..so much has happened since then!  Jase finally decided to make his appearance into this world.   We got to leave the hospital as a family of 3.  We had to stay in a hotel for a week with a newborn while we waited to get the clearance to come home.  We flew home 2,000 miles with a week old baby and learned how to change a poopy diaper on an airplane!  We got to sleep in our own bed with our sweet baby beside us.  We celebrated each month birthday like it was a holiday.  We survived all our post-placement home study visits. We got to take our baby to the State Fair.  We sat at our kitchen table and had our adoption finalized via speakerphone.  We celebrated with over 100 friends and family at our Forever Day celebration!  We had our first Halloween!  We celebrated a “half birthday” during deer season.  We finally had our first Christmas morning with our sweet baby boy to open presents!  I finally got to dress a baby in a Valentine’s Day & St. Patrick’s Day outfit! We survived our first baby hospitalization, barely!  We lived through going back to work, the first teeth, learning to crawl, the first bump on the head and his first temper tantrum.  We celebrated the first time he rolled over, the first time he sat up, his first laugh, his first word, his first “trick” and his first swing in the back yard.  It’s all so surreal.  I know it’s cliché but sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago and sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday.  So much has been crammed into the past year that I’m afraid I’ll forget all of it.  I don’t want to forget how awesome I felt the first time he looked up at me and smiled or how amazing it was the first time he slept all night.  I don’t want to forget the pure magic of the first time he laughed when I tickled him or how precious it was the first time he got excited when Daddy came home.  I want to always remember how wonderful it was the first time he reached over and patted my arm after he woke up and said, “Mamamamama”.  I’ve written everything down on the calendar so we’ll never forget what day he first ate cereal and when he first pulled up on Daddy’s chair.  But I know we get so busy living our lives that we don’t take the time to reflect on those priceless memories we make along the way.

Recently, I was interviewed by our local newspaper for a spotlight on motherhood.  They wrote about our whole story, from the very beginning.  This journey that we have been on since 2008, shortly after we got married, when we decided to try to have a baby has been long, to say the least.  There have definitely been more lows than highs along the way and there were several times when it seemed like this day would never come, that we would never be planning a first birthday party in 5 days!  As I reflected on our journey during the interview last week, I began to realize that there were plenty of “reasonable opportunities” for me to give up and just say, “I quit, I’m done trying to make this happen.”  Honestly, there were moments when I doubted this day would come but I can’t remember a time when I thought we shouldn’t keep trying, doing everything we could to bring a baby home. I can’t remember exactly when I read this quote but it sums up everything so well.   “Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it.  The time will pass anyway."  --  Earl Nightingale.  Jase is our dream and it took a long time to get here but the time would have passed anyway.  We never gave up, we may have had our doubts about the process but we always knew we would be a family.  What we didn’t know was that Jase would be so perfect and being his parents would be even better than we could have ever dreamed. 

Before I was a Mommy, I can remember my friends talking about their kids and how much they love them.  I can specifically remember being told on more than one occasion by various women that the love you have for your child is so all-encompassing that sometimes, especially with a first child, it can be frightening just how consuming it can be.  I remember thinking about how much I love my niece and nephew and wondering if it could possibly be more intense than that.  I was shocked to learn that the love of a mother is so much more than I was prepared for, more than I thought was even possible.  I honestly had no idea what it was like and I don’t think I can even come up with right words to describe it.  The love I have for Jase is so powerful that I would do anything for him without a second thought and so extreme that I literally mean anything! I know this isn’t news to any of you mothers reading this but for this first time Mommy, it has been a year of wonder as I learn to deal with the shear force of this astounding emotion known as a mother’s love.

As I’m preparing for a very awesome and I might say, over the top first birthday party, I wanted to share some of the humorous things I have learned over the past year as I have experienced being the mother of an infant boy.  In all it’s marvel, it has definitely had its entertaining moments along the way!  For those of you who are already mothers, enjoy these comical realizations.   And for those of you who aren’t yet a mommy, don’t judge……you just wait!!!

1.        All boys love boobies, even newborns and especially those baby boys who have been nursed!  (That’s a blog for another day!! J)

2.       Once those boobies are no longer used for nourishment, baby boys use them for comfort or as in Jase’s case right now, a place to store his “keepsakes”, like toys or pacifiers!!

3.       You learn quickly that you no longer care if you have on make up or have done your hair.  Brushing your teeth on some days is a luxury that you relish!!

4.       You will leave the house in your house shoes or partially dressed at least once in your baby’s first year of life……hopefully, you’ll realize this before you get to your destination!  If not, just say, “I have a baby” and shrug your shoulders.  All other mothers will totally understand!!

5.       As with #3, you will learn that on some days bathing is an option/luxury that you won’t have time to participate in but you will only sigh and shrug your shoulders (again) because you will at least have gotten to brush your teeth!!

6.       You realize at some point that you will never be on time to any destination ever again, unless you’re in your pajamas and haven’t showered!!

7.       That one rare occasion when you do have to be somewhere but you don’t have to get your child ready, you will arrive uncharacteristically early and everyone will be shocked and ask what’s going on!

8.       You will suddenly and without warning become acutely aware of the bowel habits of this tiny creature and be able to recall at any moment when the last poop was, what it looked like and whether or not it was “a good one”.

9.       You will also notice yourself talking about said bowel habits with other people who may or may not be interested but you won’t even care because you’re talking about your sweet, perfect baby!!

10.   You realize that leaving the house with just your debit card and driver’s license is probably never going to happen again….as you carry almost everything you own to Wal-Mart for some milk, diapers and Kleenex.

11.   Going out to eat is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy more work than it’s worth and you’re totally fine with your husband bringing home a pizza or take out, a lot.

12.   You will never know tired until you’ve been up all night with a sick baby.  It’s a whole new level of exhaustion.

13.   About 6 weeks into this motherhood thing, you don’t even remember what it was like to sleep longer than 4 hours at a time and you realize you’re okay with that!

14.   You will wonder how on earth you used to stay up all night for fun because you would give your left pinky toe for 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, alone, with no one touching you….until you realize that would mean someone else would be in charge and then you think, “ehhhh, sleep is over rated.”

15.   At some point, it’s different for each of us, you come to terms with the fact that everyone has an opinion about babies and feels free to share that with you, often times unsolicited.  You will develop a rehearsed response for this like the slight head tilt with a nod and half smile or a “gosh, I sure didn’t know that” reply and then go on your merry way because let’s face it, you’ve got this!

16.   Around oh say 6-8 months or so, you will find that you no longer notice when you have snot, spit up or food on your clothes.  It’s just not even that big of a deal anymore!

17.   It doesn’t matter what any book says, when your baby is ready for something, like eating solids, starting to eat meat, drinking from a cup, quitting the paci or sleeping in his own room, you will know.  Trying to force something on a baby is like trying to baptize a cat!!!

18.   Talking with your mommy friends about your exhaustion, frustration, joys, firsts and generally anything baby will be the most therapeutic and validating thing you can possibly do for yourself.  You’re not alone, everyone is tired and no one thinks their husband does enough to help. 

19.   To go along with #18, you will learn that the saying “sleep like a baby” is so ridiculous and it should really be “sleep like a husband”!!!!

20.   Nothing and I mean nothing will prepare you for when you have to leave your baby, either to go back to work, overnight or for any other reason.  Although these may be necessary, they will all be hard and don’t worry what anyone thinks about how you deal with it.  Leaving your baby is no fun but the good news is, you will both survive!

21.   Lastly, having a baby changes you, physically, mentally, emotionally and financially.  Most of these changes you are not prepared for but once you realize why they all occurred you will notice a huge stupid grin on your face because this sweet baby is the reason you are exhausted, broke, cry during most news stories and sometimes have difficulty putting the right words together to form a coherent sentence.  It may seem grueling at times but you know that it’s all absolutely, totally, 100% worth it!!!

No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted. -- Aesop

It has occurred to me that I have not written a bog post in several months.  There have been a few times while doing dishes, making baby food, folding laundry, changing a diaper or rocking my sweet baby to sleep that I have thought, I should write something.  That quickly turns into an inner dialogue which includes questions like, what will I write about?  What should my topic be when I now have everything I ever wanted?  Should I write about Jase’s milestones?  Does anyone want to read about that?  Wow, my life literally revolved around our pursuit to become a family…..is that selfish????

I remember that about this time last year I had posted that I would be doing an Intentional Act of Kindness for every day of February to celebrate how others have blessed me along the way as I placed my focus on blessing others instead of wallowing in my self-pity as I turned another year older.  I have tried to continue that same plan this year (with the exception of the recent snow days) because I truly believe it was no coincidence that once I was able to take my focus off my grief and place it on finding ways to bless others, then we received the wonderful phone call letting us know we had been chosen by Leah.  Funny how those things tend to work out that way, huh?

So, it’s February again and I’m typing this while I listen to Jase squeal over pulling off his own sock.  I may not have had anything profound to say before now but I don’t think that’s a terrible thing.  For so long, we faced bad news and tragedy and while dealing with all of that, I knew that one day we would have our happiness; we would have our family to celebrate.  And that is just what I have been doing!  I have reveled in every first that Jase had experienced and have taken thousands of pictures, literally!  We have had our first Thanksgiving and Christmas.  We have held our breath while Jase sat up for the first time and just last night we stood silently as he got up on all fours not knowing we were watching him.  We tell everyone how he’s pulling up now and it won’t be long before he’s walking!  I have spent hours scouring Pinterest for the perfect first birthday theme (I finally found it this week and I’m STOKED!) and I have mastered the art of making baby food.  We have discovered that going out to eat is a challenge but not as much as trying to get Jase to sleep all night away from home.  We are not in any rush to get him to sleep in his own room and we are both a little sad at the prospect of him not being right beside us all night.  We have learned that if Jase doesn’t burp before he goes to bed, he will be awake 30 minutes after you lay him down.  We know that he likes prunes and beef stew and he does not like peas or wearing a hat!  He gets so excited when his Daddy comes home and he really prefers Mommy to rock him to sleep at night.  He is fascinated by watching the dogs play but not nearly as much as he is when watching the weatherman Brian Busby (it’s the craziest thing I’ve ever seen!).  He likes to sit in front of the coffee table and bang on the front of it with a wooden spoon while squealing like a tiny baby rabbit.  He HATES to be on his belly, period!!  He thinks peek a boo is hilarious and the Donald Duck voice Daddy uses is scary.

I could go on and on but you get my point.  We are thrilled to have the chance to watch our son learn and grow.  We have waited so long for this and we are enjoying every second.  I’m not saying it’s been all smiles and laughter since the day he was born; let’s face it, he’s a baby and his only way of communicating is to cry.  For the most part, he is a happy baby and for that, we are so thankful!  I’ve had my “Mommy moments” when I’ve needed to have some time to myself, like every other mother I know.  But I have known no greater joy than waking up to the most beautiful smile in the world as my baby boy realizes I’m looking at him!  I honestly don’t know what I did all these years without him….sure, my house was cleaner and I was more rested but I wouldn’t trade this lack of sleep and toy cluttered house for anything on earth!

So, if you’re facing a crisis or a rough time, take heart in knowing you will reach the other side and when you get there, you will know you are stronger for whatever you have faced and you will appreciate the mundane, hum drum everyday routine that life can be.  In times of crisis, hold tight to your loved ones who want to help you get through this because when you feel like you can’t pray, they will.  God gives us wonderful people who have hearts filled with his love and want to hold our hands and cry with us as we face tough times.  It’s easy to shut those people out when we are hurting, don’t do it.  Let them bless you and one day, when you are past all this, you can return the favor with an intentional act of kindness from your healed heart.

"Strength shows not only in the ability to persist but the ability to start over." -- Anonymous

 

Well, as of my last post about our journey, we had just met Leah and were full of happiness, hope and positive expectations as we headed toward the due date.  As many of you know, we are now home with our perfect baby boy and are fully enjoying the wonders of new parenthood.   I thought I would share the details of our experience in Florida to get our baby boy home in this post.  I will warn you, it’s not nearly full of twists and turns, obstacles and difficulties, hurdles and complications as our trip to California.  For that, we are extremely grateful!

Leah’s due date was May 9, which came and went.  She had a doctor appointment the day before and showed no signs of impending labor.  She was extremely disappointed and later told me she felt bad for us because she knew we were waiting on pins and needles.  We decided we couldn’t wait at home much longer, so we started planning our trip to Cocoa Beach.  A coworker told Jon about an unbelievable deal on airfare from Columbia to Orlando that we just could not pass up, so we booked our flight and made our travel arrangements to go to Florida the next Monday.  We worked feverishly at home to get things ready for us to be gone for an unknown amount of time and packed our bags.  We headed out bright and early that morning to catch our flight to the Sunshine State!   We were filled with excitement and a little nervous but a great flight, easy car rental pick up and a hotel on the beach (thanks to my Uncle Ron and Aunt Penny!) helped calm our anxiety quickly.  When we got to our hotel, we decided to go for a walk on the beach and were soaking in the beauty of the coast when my phone rang.  It was Leah calling to let me know she was ok but thought “something was happening”.   She knew we were going to be in Florida that day and she said, “Wouldn’t it be great if he came today?  That would really work out best for me because I have all my errands done and I am ready!”  To say we were excited would be an understatement!  Jon said, “How awesome would that be for him to be born the night we got here?”  Leah went to see her doula, who let her know she was not in labor but helped her do some exercises and used some essential oils and massage to help her body prepare for labor.  Leah called me back to tell me all of this and ask me to go with her to her doctor appointment that week.  I was thrilled!  I couldn’t believe she was asking me to go with her!!  How exciting!!

So, we hung out on the beach for a day.  Jon got horribly sunburnt, which is a story for another day.  We were enjoying our time together as we waited for our baby.  On the day of Leah’s appointment, I was so nervous and excited all at the same time!  Jon stayed behind and I made my way to the health department.  (In Florida, if you are receiving emergency Medicaid for a pregnancy, you are seen at the county health department for your prenatal care.)  When I got there, Leah was waiting for me and gave me a huge hug!  She introduced me to the nurse as her friend, which eased my fears of how she was going to deal with the situation.  Immediately, I text Jon and said, “Leah told them I was her friend!”  She was so great!  When the doctor came in, she introduced me as the adoptive mom and he was very cordial, shaking my hand and telling me congratulations!  I was so tickled!

Now, by this time, Leah was officially 6 days overdue and very uncomfortable.  The doctor told her she had started to dilate but he wasn’t willing to just wait and see what would happen, so he got on the phone and scheduled her for an induction on the 17^th, which was 2 days later.  She was so excited, she was clapping her hands and said, “Yay!! I’m so glad we have a plan!!”  The nurse came in and gave us all the information about when to be there, etc.  As we walked out, Leah asked, “Are you hungry?  Can we go get something to eat?”  So, we went to a Steak ‘N Shake and she ate a spicy jalepeno burger with horseradish to try to kick start labor!  I was too excited to eat but she didn’t want to eat alone, so I sacrificed and had a chocolate shake!  We visited for quite some time, just talking like old friends.  I had put together a picture album of photos of Jon and I doing fun stuff together, us with our friends and family, our pets, our farm, etc.  I wanted her to have a glimpse of how this baby will grow up, who he will be around and what will be important to him.  She had seen pictures of us from the adoption website, but those photos were posed, taken specifically for the adoption websites.  I wanted her to see candid photos of us that weren’t taken just for her to see.  She LOVED it!!  She was so happy to have something so real from us!  I couldn’t wait to give her the thank you cards, but I did.   I didn’t want to overwhelm her with the sheer magnitude of hope she was giving us.

I left the Steak ‘N Shake feeling so great!  It was like I had found a new friend who was so honest and transparent and real.  I called Jon to tell him how awesome she was, to which he replied, “Honey, I knew that.”  I went back to the beach feeling like I was floating on a cloud!  I had such a peace about this experience after getting to visit with her again and felt wonderful that we finally had a plan to bring this baby boy into the world!!

Friday morning, May 17, we woke bright and early, got ready quickly and headed out to Cape Canaveral Hospital.  We were there before Leah but she was texting us, telling us where she was.  She got there with her friend Katy and we all hugged, like friends.  We went in and Jon and I were shocked at how the nursing staff treated us.  We felt like criminals.  They acted like we were there to steal Leah’s baby!  After the first couple hours, I told Jon, “If we can get through the next 48 hours, we can do anything!!”  Even after Leah told her nurse that we were the adoptive parents and she wanted us in the room, the nurse continued to whisper to her.  Finally, Leah said, “Whatever you need to say can be said outloud.  We don’t have secrets here.”  The nurse replied, rather curtly, “I’ve been doing this for 25 years and people change their mind all the time.”  I was shocked that someone could be so callous and flippant about this situation, about our lives.  It took everything I had to control myself and not say what I was thinking.  Leah was our advocate while we were in the hospital, she was the one person we knew was on our side.  That same nurse refused to speak to me or even look at me.  Being the persistant person that I am, when she would come in the room, I would purposefully speak directly to her and she wouldn’t even acknowledge I was in the room!!  I have never been treated so rudely by someone who claims to be a medical professional.   It definitely made me appreciate the wonderful nurses I work with who I know would NEVER treat anyone this way!

They got Leah going on the IV medication to induce labor and she started having contractions pretty quickly.  Her water broke at 12:30 and we called a nurse in to check things out.  We were quickly kicked out of the room and were patiently standing in the hallway.  We waited out there for about 15 minutes when we were told we needed to go wait in the waiting room.  I politely reminded the nurse that Leah wanted me with her and she very rudely said, “We have other things to worry about right now!  You have to wait in the waiting room.”  We waited with Leah’s friend Katy for almost 3 hours before we heard anything.  We knew they had taken her for an emergency c-section because the baby’s heart rate had dropped but that was it!  We didn’t know if Leah or the baby was ok and it seemed like years before someone finally came out and told us that we could come see the baby. 

We were told he was fine and that we could come look at him only.  We had to stand out in the hallway outside the nursery looking through the window at this beautiful baby boy!  We took tons of pictures and sent several messages to friends and family telling everyone our baby was born and that we were naming him Jase Ray Daniel.  I stood at that window for over an hour, just staring at him.  We were not allowed to go into the nursery to see him and we were not allowed to hold him.  Still, no one would tell us about Leah.  Her friend had tried to go into her room, only to be told she was not allowed in there.  We were so worried that she was not ok!

Finally, as we sat in the waiting room, the extremely rude nurse who had treated us so poorly came out to tell us that Leah was ok but having a lot of pain and did not want to see anyone just yet.  She was completely different toward us than she had been earlier and we thought that was very odd.  We later found out that after Leah had come out of anesthesia, she had signed papers stating her intent to choose adoption and that we had permission to hold him, etc.  It seems as though once there were papers signed, that particular nurse felt like it was then permissible to treat us with respect and apparently, not a moment sooner!  It was not a heart warming experience….

We finally got to go back to see Leah and she was holding the baby.  At first, my heart skipped a beat  seeing her hold him.  Then she said, “Have you got to hold him yet?  You need to hold him.”  And she handed me my baby boy, my dream come true.  He was perfect in every way and I was instantly in love with him!!!

We were told the hospital policy said that the baby was not allowed to be in another room overnight and only one person was allowed to stay all night with Leah.  So at 8:00 each night, Jon went back to the hotel and I stayed at the hospital so I could be with my baby.  Leah was so kind, worried about me all night despite having just had major surgery.  It was not the most comfortable situation staying all night in the hospital with someone who I had only known for a short time.  I just kept telling myself, I can do this, it’s not forever. 

As I said before, Leah was our advocate while we were in the hospital.  Early Saturday morning, when the night nurse was coming around to see if Leah needed anything before her shift ended, Leah told her she had some concerns about how the day was going to go.  She told the nurse that she wanted us to have our own room so we could have privacy and family bonding time.  The night nurse wouldn’t commit to making sure this would happen and said it would depend on whether there was a room available.  Leah, being the assertive person she is, said, “Well, you told me last night you dismissed several patients so there should be plenty of room to make sure they have their privacy today.”  I was so relieved that she felt so strongly about making sure we would have family time.  It was very important to her to do what she could to make this somewhat normal for us.

When we finally got a room for ourselves, it was vastly different than our previous experience.  When we were in California, they had fruit and snack baskets for us with meal vouchers for the cafeteria and they checked on us often to see if we needed anything.  The room that we were allowed to use, only during the day time hours had no bed in it and 2 broken chairs.  No one came to check on us and it was 6:00 that evening before anyone so much as offered us a drink.  We honestly felt like we were being treated like criminals who were there to steal a baby!  Each time they came to get the baby to take him to the nursery for various reasons, they would return him to Leah’s room.  It was very frustrating!

Sunday morning came around and we had mixed feelings.  We were excited to be discharged and have official legal paperwork signed but we were sad knowing we would be saying good bye to Leah.  She is such a wonderful, kind, caring and sincere person and the thought of saying good bye to her was disheartening for us both.  We spent most of the morning in her room visiting with her until she said she wanted to take a nap.  While we were talking, she told us about how she came to find us.  She said back in October, she was considering adoption and did what every responsible person does when looking for answers, she googled it.  She said she found us then and knew we were the couple who she would choose.  She waited until sometime after the holidays to contact Adoption Network directly.  She said she got in touch with them and told them she had chosen a family.  After the lengthy intake process, she told Jan she had chosen us.  They sent her profiles of several other couples, not ours.  She called Jan and asked why she didn’t have a profile for us.  To be honest, I don’t know what she said Jan told her was the reason for not sending our profile intiially.  As we sat there, holding Jase and listening to this story, we were livid!  I could see from the corner of my eye that Jon was boiling!!!  Leah said Jan sent her another packet with our profile and a few other couples.  She told Jan she didn’t need to see anyone else’s information because she had already chosen us and knew we were right for her.  After the initial anger at this information wore off a bit, I realized it was just another brick laid in the foundation of our situation and further assurance that this was meant to be.  Once she was given our information and assured Jan that we were the couple she had chosen, Jan started the process of getting in contact with us.  And, from my previous blogs, you know the rest of that story.

Later that afternoon, as we were all anxiously waiting for the lawyer to arrive, Leah’s mother and daughter came to the hospital.  Originally, she had said she didn’t want them to come to the hospital but when she began to realize that she was not going to have any reservations about her decision and that she knew this was right, she wanted her mother and daughter to see Jase.  Another example of her compassion was the fact that she asked us if they could meet the baby.  Of course, we said yes!  If you have never been in this situation, it would be difficult for you to identify with us over how we felt about this situation.  She was giving us a baby, our dream come true.  Asking if she could introduce her mother and daughter to our baby was such a small request as far as we were concerned.  When her daughter walked in the room, I couldn’t believe how beautiful she was!  Everyone says their kid is cute but Sammy is gorgeous!  We asked her if she wanted to hold the baby and she did.  So, I helped her get settled in the chair and helped her hold her brother.  She, of course, had no idea the magnitude of the situation and was somewhat confused by all the tears being shed by the grown ups in the room.  We took many pictures and everyone was making over Jase and how cute he was.  Sammy brought us all back to reality when she piped up and said, “I was cute, too, when I was a baby!”  We all laughed and were thankful that she was able to bring some light hearted cheer back to the room!

Leah took her family back to her room to wait for the lawyer to arrive.  We paced around our room, unable to relax as we waited for the lawyer.  It was so nerve wracking!  I tried packing up our things but felt like a chicken with my head cut off!!  Finally, she text us and said he was there and we breathed a sigh of relief.  Soon after, Leah came back to our room and said she just wanted a minute with us to say good bye.  She apologized for taking so long with the lawyer and was afraid we were worried that she had changed her mind.  She wanted to put our minds at ease and reassure one last time that she was happy with her decision.  We all 3 cried and hugged each other.  It was such an emotional time, an unforgettable moment as we stood embraced with the woman who gave us our family.

And then, just like that, the lawyer came in our room and said everything was done, the papers were signed and we were his legal guardians.  There were some papers that needed to be signed by us and the nurse and then we were discharged, like a regular family with a newborn.  Jon carried all of our bags out to the car, like every new Daddy does when you leave the hospital.  I had to ride out in a wheelchair, much to my dismay!  Pretty much the only thing that was different from us leaving the hospital and every other newborn family is that a lawyer took our first picture outside, instead of a grandparent!  As we drove away, I posted on Facebook that May 19, 2013, will forever be known as “Gotcha Day” in our family!!

We had to stay in Florida until we got our clearance to leave from Interstate Child Placement Compact, ICPC.  This is a federal law that requires both Florida and Missouri to provide clearance for us to come home as part of the federal child trafficking laws.  I was on the phone with my parents when I received the call that we had gotten our clearance.  I quickly hung up on Nana and Papaw to take the other call and screamed for joy when she said we could go home!  Having a newborn is a magical experience but trying to care for a baby in a hotel room is less than magnificent!!!  We were so very homesick and when they said we could leave, we literally got on our first flight home.  We got the call at 10:00 and we were on the plane headed north by 5:00!!  We were greeted by family when we got off the plane in Kansas City and were never so glad to be back home!!

Since then, we have had 3 post placement visits with the social worker, as required by Florida adoption laws, with one of those being in our home.  We have an amazing adoption social worker, who has helped us greatly over the past 2 years, so those were virtually painless!  Now that those are all complete, we are ready for our finalization hearing next Thursday.  Thankfully, we get to “appear” before the judge via telephone conference.  Once that is over, we will be issued a new and final birth certificate and then it’s all over!

We are so thrilled to finally have our dream come true and we are forever grateful to all of you who have suppoted us along the way.  We have thoroughly enjoyed having people visit us and come see Jase.  We want to share our joy with all of you and ask that you join us as we celebrate our Forever Day next Saturday!

What a difference a year can make........

I have been working on a post to chronicle our time in Florida and this is not it.  I was up with Jase last night feeding him and most of this ran through my mind like a midnight freight train and I am compelled to write and post about it……..

One year ago today, our lives were forever changed by a beautiful baby boy who gave us the gift of knowing what it is like to be parents.  Little did we know on that fateful day how tragic that situation would turn out to be.  As I look back on the days it took to get to California, I am reminded of the emotional roller coaster we faced and how we threw caution to the wind and dove in head first.  We knew there was potential for a negative outcome but we were so determined to become parents and have a family that the risks did not outweigh the benefits.  Once we laid eyes on that precious baby boy, we knew in our hearts that all of the trials and tribulations we had endured were worth it to get to him.  We cried as we held him and fell in love instantly.  For 5 days we experienced immeasurable joy and were given a taste of what life would be like as a family.

Then the worse happened….the thing you know is a possibility but even thinking about it is painful, talking about it takes your breath away.  Our hearts were not simply broken, they were shattered beyond repair.  We became shells of the people we had been, simply going through the motions of life during the day and crying at night.  There are bits and pieces of the weeks that followed that I remember, seeing the sadness on the faces of friends and loved ones who were concerned for us, hearing people quietly ask Jon, “How’s Jaime doing?” and wondering if I would ever recover, if my heart would ever be whole again.  The days, weeks and months that followed were so difficult at times I wondered if I could even get out of bed.  I forced myself to do a lot of things in an effort to merely exist.

Then the best happened…..we received the phone call that would give our hearts hope of a future.  We had been chosen again and we were going to walk down that path once more.  Our enthusiasm was guarded, just like our hearts but we both had this feeling that something was different this time.  Too afraid to claim the situation was “right”, we simply said we felt different and prayed fervently for this birth mom and this baby.

Now, here I sit in my living room filled with baby paraphernalia as my son sits in his swing (his Daddy calls it the coma machine!) writing this post about what has happened this past year.  Some people have been so bold as to say, “See, everything happens for a reason!” or “This was God’s plan for you.” and I continue to find that to be offensive.  I refuse to believe that the God that I serve would cause us such pain and heartache as we made our way to becoming a family.  I firmly believe in the verse in Jeremiah that states His plan is NOT to harm me but to give me hope and a future.  I accept and understand that our journey to becoming a family was neither traditional nor was it simple.  That is our story and I fully acknowledge it as such.  However, I do not believe that God sits upon His mighty throne, rubbing His hands together, eagerly waiting to crush His children in order for them to rise from the ashes and fully appreciate the blessings they have been given.  As I have said before, bad things happen to good people and sometimes those bad things are caused by other humans who choose not to follow what God has asked them to do.

I will always believe that Jensen was supposed to come home with us, that he was to be our son.  Instead, his birth mother chose to be selfish and not allow him the opportunity of having a loving home with two parents who could offer him more than he would ever need.  Someday, she will have to answer for her actions and the way she treated us.

The timeline of events that have occurred over the past 14 months has amazed me.  It could not have been coincidental that these happenings took place on these certain days.  I want to share it with you so you can understand why I feel so strongly about all of this.  Last May, on the 17^th, we received the phone call that we had been chosen to be Jensen’s parents.  Two months later, on July 17^th, he was taken from us.  Exactly ten months later, on May 17^th, Jase was born.  Many of you know that doctors consider a pregnancy to be 40 weeks, which is, that’s right, 10 months. 

I don’t think God’s plan for our lives was to have our hearts shattered in this way.  I do believe His plan was for us to be parents and when Jensen was taken away from us, by the actions of another person, a design was set in motion for our second chance, for Jase.  It took 10 long months of healing to bring us to him but here we are, finally a family.  Our dreams are being realized and words cannot express how genuinely blessed we feel.

Another event that occurred on this timeline of ours that I feel needs mentioning is my commitment during the month of February to focus on giving.  For my birthday month, I wanted to focus on giving to others through Acts of Kindness, instead of dwelling on the fact that I would be another year older and not have the one thing I wanted more than anything else.  I had so much fun thinking of all the things I could do!  I made a calendar so that I could do 35 Acts of Kindness since I was turning 35.  I had a few people ask me about it and they decided to go on their own “mission of kindness”.  If you recall, we received the phone call about Jase in February, also.  What I take from that is sometimes you have to focus on giving of yourself to others in order to get past some of the hurt you have experienced.  By shifting my attention to being kind to others, I was able to forget, even for just a little bit how much I was hurting.  I truly believe that I needed to be at that particular point in my healing process before I would be able to move on to another adoption opportunity.  If we had been presented with Jase before then, I may not have been able to commit.  My heart had healed just enough to be open to the prospect of another chance at my dream.

So, today on Jensen’s first birthday I am the epitome of mixed emotions.  My heart still aches for him but my arms are now full as I hold Jase.  I wonder so many things about him.  Is he healthy?  Is he walking yet?  Has he said his first word?  Will he ever know who we are, how much we love him or the joy he brought us?  As much as I miss him, I love Jase more and I realize if Jensen were here, Jase would not be.  It truly is a heart wrenching paradox.  I guess in a perfect world, I would be able to have them both in my arms and we would have a wonderfully crazy house! 

I will silently celebrate Jensen today and all that he gave us.  Brief as it was, we were his parents and that is something no one can take away from us.  And I will forever be grateful to the amazing woman named Leah from Florida who was brave enough to do what she felt God had chosen her to do.  She made our dreams come true and gave us a son, who is 8 weeks old today!

"All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them." --Walter E. Disney

 

Let me set the scene for you……an obviously nervous couple is sitting together on one side of a booth at the Lonestar Steakhouse on Merritt Island, Florida.  With each opening of the front door, they lean forward to see if this is “her”, the woman who has chosen to change their lives forever.  Soon, he says to her, as he grabs her leg, “Here she is.  I can see her walking in.”  This very pregnant young woman walks straight over to them, with arms wide open and says, “I’m so glad to finally meet you guys!” and embraces them both, just like they were old friends who hadn’t seen each other in a while.

We sat down together and immediately started talking like we had known each other our whole lives.  We visited for so long that the waiter came over twice to ask us what we wanted to order before we all were ready!  We sat there, like we were getting caught up with each other for over 3 hours!  There was no awkward silence, no weirdness, no uncomfortable moments of thinking “hmmmmm, what can we talk about now?”  Just 3 people sitting around, talking about our lives and sharing with one another that could only have been more comfortable if we were sitting in our living room instead of at a booth in a steakhouse. 

Leah is just perfect!  We could not have chosen a lovelier person to have been our birth mom.  She has a good head on her shoulders and has a plan for her life.  She is very responsible and considerate of others.   She is a kind, affectionate, funny, big hearted, sweet young lady who has found herself in an unfortunate situation.  We are just so glad that we took the time to go meet her.  I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders after we visited.  She said she felt so relieved to have been able to meet us before she was screaming in labor pain! 

Leah was able to set our hearts and minds at ease by sharing some details about her life and her plan for the delivery of this baby.  After her stepdad and sister passed away, her mother really struggled with depression, so Leah felt it was best for everyone if her mother would move in with her.  Living with Leah helped her mom deal with her grief by helping to care for Leah’s daughter, Sammi, who is 3.  Sammi doesn’t know about this baby.  Leah has chosen not to tell her about it because she doesn’t want to confuse Sammi.  Let’s face it, who remembers details from when you were 3???? 

She also shared with us that since her mother doesn’t drive, she will not be at the hospital.  We both tried really hard not to jump up and down and yell HOORAY at the revelation of this significant piece of information!!  We are just sure that Nicole’s mom was the main reason we did not get to bring Jensen home, so hearing that Leah’s mother will not even be at the hospital was great news for us!!  She will stay home and take care of Sammi, just like a regular day, so Sammi’s routine is not interrupted too much.

Leah said she REALLY wants us to be there for everything.  She even mentioned that she would like to not even go to the hospital until we get there.  I told her I didn’t think that was a good idea!  She doesn’t want any of her friends or family there and said she wants me to have the baby as soon as he is born so we can have skin to skin contact.  Then she looked right at Jon and said, “Now Daddy, you will get your time, too, but it will be all about her at first!”  I laughed so hard!!  She said she wants to be taken to another floor for her recovery and the rest of her hospital stay.  She said she does not want to hold the baby because she doesn’t want to confuse him.  She wants him to know I am his mommy from the moment he is born.  She said she doesn’t want to have any alone time with him because she knows this will be an emotional time and doesn’t want to make things harder to deal with.

We discussed names and she shared that she would like the name Daniel to be used as a second middle name.  She said she likes the name and had recently read the story of Daniel in the bible.   She said, “I just forgot what a great story it was.  God saved him twice!”  I think it’s cool that she wants him to have a name from her and we are both fine with that.  Now, we still plan on keeping the rest of his name to ourselves until the big reveal, so don’t bother asking because our lips are sealed!!

She asked if our family was excited about this baby.  I said, “Oh, my, yes they are!!!”  I told her about the quilts that my mom has made and all the “good luck today” messages we got from all of our friends and family Monday morning.  I told her that he will be so loved by so many because we aren’t the only ones who have waited for this baby.

We left the restaurant Monday afternoon feeling such peace about the situation.  We were exhausted and both took naps.  I slept so long, Jon woke me up.  Apparently, I slept for over 3 hours!!  Then we took a scenic drive and grabbed something to eat before watching the basketball game.  We both slept pretty well for not being at home and the next morning, Jon had to wake me again.  I haven’t been sleeping well for about a year now and I think it finally just caught up to me. 

While I was getting dressed, Jon went to get some coffee and breakfast.  Believe it or not, he sat next to a couple who were from Arnold, Missouri, and were celebrating their 32^nd wedding anniversary.  They visited for a while and Jon shared with them why we were in Florida.  The lady of the couple shared with Jon that she has multiple brain tumors and they were having a beach anniversary.  As he went to leave, she asked Jon if she could pray for him and he said, “Lord, yes!”  So, this complete stranger from Missouri prayed for him before we met with Leah the second time.  What a different course of events this opportunity has been for us!

Tuesday morning, I sent Leah a message that we were up and at ‘em and she said she had slept in but would love to meet us for lunch.  We did a little sight-seeing, went out to the beach, walked out into the ocean and shopped at Ron John’s Surf Shop for a bit.  We drove back out to Merritt Island and ate lunch with Leah outside, right on the water.  It was perfect!  So peaceful, warm and beautiful!!

Leah is so understanding of the delicacy of the situation.  We all fell in love with each other and she said, “I will be sad for you all to go home.  I wish we could be best friends but I know that is not possible.”  She is just so level headed and knows this is a life-long decision for all of us.  It’s not every day that you meet someone her age who is so aware of the consequences of their actions and how they impact others.  It is plain to see that she is very aware of the choices she makes and how they affect her entire family.

She mentioned on Monday when we were visiting that she didn’t like having her picture taken.  I asked her if we could take pictures on Tuesday before we went home and she agreed.  Jon and I took pictures with her and then we asked a gentleman sitting next to us if he would mind taking a picture of all 3 of us.  I showed him how to use the camera and as we were getting close for the photo, he said, “We’ll call this picture ‘3 Christian friends gathering at Applebee’s’.”  I was so amazed that a complete stranger would say that and felt so honored that he was able to see that in us.

As we went to leave, we all hugged several times.  I’ve been told that I am a good hugger and if I hug anything like Leah does, then what a treat you all have had!!  J  We left Florida feeling lighter and definitely ready for our return trip.

As we sat in the Orlando airport, I read this on my cousin’s blog yesterday as she shared her expecting news of a “paper pregnancy” as they proceed with their adoption and told her I was going to share it in mine.  I really don’t think it needs any further explanation.

“We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life.

 But those who make their journey home across time & miles,

 growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them,

 are carried on the wings of destiny and placed among us by God’s very own hands.”

 -Kristi Larson

Thank you for loving us and for continuing to be a part of this journey with us!

For every season.....

Many of you have asked, “What’s new on the baby front?” or “How’s everything going with the baby?” so I thought I would write a quick update to let you all know where we are and what’s next….

Monday, as in 2 days from now, we are going to fly down to Florida to meet Leah, our birth mom.  This was one of the few things she has requested of us, to meet before the baby is born.  I really felt strongly that we should do this for several reasons.  First, she asked us to.  I know that may sound ridiculous to most of you but put yourself in her shoes…..would you want to meet not only new people but the couple you have chosen as your adoptive parents while you are in labor?  I’m pretty sure that will not be her finest hour and I wouldn’t want to be making introductions at that time either.  Now put yourself in our shoes……this amazing woman has asked us to come meet her.  Why wouldn’t we want to do that at a more friendly, less anxious time than labor and delivery?  Who could say no to one of the few requests this woman has asked of us?

Secondly, and many of you have agreed with me on this, I think all of us meeting each other will make this situation more real for us all.  We won’t simply be faces on an adoption profile and she won’t be just a person on the other end of the phone.  To attach real, live, breathing, caring, loving people with the images we all have of each other will not only allow us to have a special bond for the last month of this pregnancy but will hopefully also solidify this adoption for all of us, especially Leah.

Another reason I feel so strongly about all of us meeting is that I truly feel that we did everything we possibly could have done in the previous situation.  We did exactly what we were told to do and there is nothing we could have done differently to have changed the outcome.  Going to Florida to meet Leah is something we can do that will possibly have a positive effect on the outcome.  We are determined to do everything within our power to have a family.  I know that sounds like an outrageous claim, but it is so completely true.  I have jokingly said if she wants me to stand on my head and sing the national anthem in my underwear, I’ll do it!  No questions asked!!  My point is I refuse to let there be any doubt that we did not do everything we possibly could to bring this baby home with us.  So, if that means we take a flying trip to Florida and back in less than 2 days, then so be it. 

When I say “flying trip”, I mean that, literally!  We are leaving Kansas City at 7:40 Monday morning and our return flight is scheduled for 4:30 Tuesday afternoon.  Thankfully, we are flying non-stop, which is good for JP.  Leah was so kind as to offer to pick us up from the airport!  I politely told her we would meet her after we got there.  I’m thinking I will be so nervous once we land that I will need a minute to get myself together before I meet the woman who has decided to change our lives forever!  The drive from Orlando to Cocoa is less than an hour, so we will have time to take a breath and figure out where we will meet, etc.  Leah has taken Monday and Tuesday off of work, so she can spend time getting to know us without trying to rush around.

I called our adoption advisor, Jan, the other day to ask a few questions about this “meet and greet”.  She ever so kindly reminded me that we will all be nervous.  I felt like she was talking about a bee, you know, she’s just as scared of you as you are of her!  And I’m sure that is correct.  I’m sure she is having some of the same worries that I am, like what if she doesn’t like me?  What if she thinks I’m too old?  What if she thinks I’m weird?  Even worse, what if she doesn’t think I’m funny????????  (That was a joke!!)

Jan gave us a few talking points to discuss with Leah and she said to be sure to let her know that we want her to be comfortable.  In my mind, I’m picturing me offering to give her a massage, a foot rub, play with her hair or cook her something yummy while JP looks at me like I’ve completely lost my mind!!  Thank goodness I won’t be alone and he will be there to keep me grounded!  He’s so good at that, it’s like we were meant to do this together!!

So, what happens after we meet?  I honestly have no idea what’s next, except the due date is a month away from Tuesday!!!!  I told my sister-in-law the other day, with everything going on in our lives right now, I’m just taking it one day at a time, literally.  This weekend, I’m working.  Monday and Tuesday we will spend with Leah in sunny Florida.  Wednesday, I’m going to take a breath find out what else the state of Florida is going to require of us.  Thursday and Friday I work and next Saturday we are going to celebrate the happy, happy birthday of our favorite Marshall D!!  Sure, there are things we need to be doing to get ready and trust me, I will make sure that is taken care of.  But one thing I’ve learned throughout this journey is that there is a time and a season for everything.  I believe this is our transition season.  We are moving out of our time to break down, weep and mourn and into our time to heal, laugh, dance embrace and love.   Just as we move into the wonders of spring, with new life, new growth and new beauty, I pray JP and I are moving into new opportunities and new love as we find our way to our family.  So, for now, we will just make it through this week!

A dear friend sent me an encouraging message today with a lovely note.  Part of the message said, “One day it will all come together and everything will make sense.  I will see God’s amazing plan taking me places I never dreamed of.”  Her note said that reading this message made her think of us, that we are on our way to the family God has planned for us and that it will be perfect!  We are so ready for our family and for our perfect! 

Continue to pray for us, especially Monday and Tuesday as we take the next step on this journey.  I know I have said this before but it bears repeating…..we are so blessed to have such an amazing support system of so many friends and family who love and care for us.  I wish I could take you all with me so Leah could see that for herself!!!