And life just goes on....

Well, another month has gone by and we haven't heard anything.  Interestingly enough, we received an email last month that basically stated if we were willing to adopt an African American baby, we had our choice of 5 specific babies who needed placed quickly.  At first, I thought it was a scam and totally freaked out!  I called Teri immediately and she said she had never heard of them using this type of communication before but would check into it.  She emailed back and said they have only sent an email like this once before but due to the overwhelming influx of African American mothers wishing to place their baby for adoption right now, they chose to send out this message to couples who have been waiting for awhile.  Then we received another email about a week later stating that all 5 of those babies had been placed!  I can honestly tell you I was so worried for those babies.  We have already made our decision as to what race we would like to adopt but I had a genuine concern for those mothers and babes and am so glad they have all found forever homes!
Speaking of forever homes, I sure would love to get a phone call saying we have been chosen.....I have had a difficult past couple days just feeling sorry for myself about this.  I'm sure you can understand this when I say it just doesn't seem fair that life has to go on while we wait for our dreams to come true.  It's like when you lose a loved one.  The sadness you feel is so overwhelming that you just have no idea how you could possibly go on.  Then real life happens.....you have to pay bills, clean house, do laundry, go to work, all those things that have to go on, whether you want them to or not, while your heart is breaking.  Sometimes you even think, how can these people walk around with smiles on their faces like they are happy when I'm so broken inside?  That's kind of how I've been feeling lately.
It's been almost a year since we decided to pursue adoption.  We figured up the other day that we have been working toward trying to have a family for almost 5 years now.  I never dreamed it would take this long to have a baby!  Especially when I know people who have had a few kids of their own in that time.  This feeling of jealousy/anger/disappointment has been overwhelming and all consuming at times.  Knowing that we will eventually have our baby is like the light at the end of the tunnel some days.
I don't mean to sound like Debbie Downer but I use this blog as an outlet to express my feelings, so here they are, unpolished and ugly as they may be.  Infertility SUCKS and trying to have a family is hard!  I'm so tired of having nothing to say when people ask me if we have heard anything about the adoption.  I can't wait to tell people we have been chosen and are finally going to have our family...