A Time to Be Thankful…..

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, the day when we Americans cook ridiculous amounts of food to be consumed like gluttons as we contemplate those things in our lives that we are most grateful for.  Many people spend November sharing something they are thankful for with others for each day of the month.  As I filled the dishwasher today, I was thinking, “I should post something witty and heartwarming tomorrow to share with everyone.”  So, my creative juices started flowing and I realized I couldn’t possibly post a list that long as a Facebook status.  I decided I should just write a blog post because what I need to share shouldn’t be limited to a single status.

First and foremost, I am thankful for God’s grace and availability.  Sounds silly but if you have ever been so broken that you need to talk to someone at 4am, there is peace in knowing God is always there.  Never judging, always listening.  There have been countless moments in the past 4 months when the only thread that has held me together has been the fact that I can say a prayer at any given time, asking God to help me get through the next seconds without losing my mind or falling apart.  I learned a long time ago that praying for others helps to calm me down.  Many of you have no idea how much you have been prayed for by me in the past few months!!! 

Secondly, words could never express how thankful I am for my husband.  He has literally seen me at my worst and he is still here.  Sometime after we got home from California, I was talking with a friend about what had happened.  She said she was at work when she got the message that we were going to have to give Jensen back.  After reading it, she said to those she was with, “I hope Jon scoops her up and holds her tight because she needs him so much right now.”  I was sure to tell her that he did exactly that.  This poor man carried me up 2 flights of stairs that horrible day and never complained about it!  He physically picked me up and carried me.  We all know what the standard marriage vows say and I can tell you that he has more than honored them.  He has cherished me during the absolute most terrible days of my life and I thank God every day that we have each other.  It’s unfortunate that not everyone has been blessed with the kind of relationship that we have but I am thankful that we have been blessed to have each other. 

The rest of my thankfuls are not necessarily in any particular order.  I am so thankful for the unconditional love and support of my parents who have done as much as humanly possible for us this year.  Until this past July, I never knew what my mother meant when she would say, “When it comes to my kids……”  Now I know what she was talking about.  My dad has always said, “You can say what you want about me, but don’t talk about my wife or my girls.”  Now I know what he was talking about.  There have been several times this year that each of them have told me they wish they could make all of this better.  I’m so thankful for parents who love me like they do.  Not everyone is so blessed with parents like mine and I’m extremely thankful for them both.

Our families and friends have been a phenomenal support system to us.  We are so thankful for the encouraging texts, emails, Facebook messages and phone calls that you have all sent us this year.  You have no idea how much it means to know that all the people we love are concerned for us, praying for our greatest heart’s desire right along with us.  We can only hope to repay the kindness and support that has been shown to us to all of you whom we love.  We pray for you all and are so thankful to have you in our lives.  You have no idea how much we need you.

I’m thankful to live in a small town.  Not to sound to cliché but the county fair was going on while we were in California and I have been told by several of our friends that people in our community were asking on a daily basis how things were going for us.  I received a text message from a good friend while we were gone that simply said, “This whole town is praying for you guys, hoping you all 3 get to come home.”  What a blessing to know that our home town is rooting for us!  I love my town and am thankful for close knit community that we are blessed to be a part of.

I am thankful for our work families.  JP has worked at his job for almost 13 years and I have been at mine for over 6.  You can’t spend that much time with people and not build relationships that are lifelong.  Our work families have been amazing to us this year by offering kind words and being supportive in ways they probably will never know.  The girls I work with have stepped up and helped me get through so many days by just holding my hand or helping me deal with situations they probably never dreamed they would have to be in.  Our coworkers have helped us get through some pretty rough days and we are so thankful for that.

I am thankful for the things we have that make our life routine.  Our dogs, our cows, our home, our farm, our vehicles, our jobs and our favorite brown recliners…….when your life gets turned upside down, having the things that make your life seem “normal” can sometimes be the only way you get through a day.  Try being 2,000 miles away from home, heartbroken and empty, with no one but each other.  Watching your garage door come open at 3am and seeing your car sitting there, knowing your recliner waits inside for you brings a level of comfort that you may never understand.  Standing at the gate while you water cows and count calves brings a comfort and peace to my soul like nothing else.  The mundane things that we call our own can help calm the demons that rage in your mind, bringing you back from the edge of insanity.  And everyone knows that our dogs are pretty awesome!  I wish I could be the person Belle and Sadie think I am.  I am so thankful for the little things in my life that are so extremely important to us.

As you sit around the table tomorrow with your family, eating those delicious dishes prepared by yourself and loved ones, take a quick second to just stop, breath and remember that it’s the little things in life that will bring you peace and joy.  Make memories today, cherish your loved ones, eat a second piece of pie and say another prayer for the JP’s.  We are spending Thanksgiving at home and our baby is in California.  Yes, we are thankful for all of these things mentioned but we are still missing a piece of our hearts on this holiday.  I will leave you with this verse that has been on my mind this week as I contemplate our circumstances.

Hebrews 11:1  “Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.”

Pick me!!! Pick me!!!!

 

Remember when you were in elementary school and everyone at recess decided to play kickball?  Captains were chosen, kids lined up anxiously waiting to be “picked” so they could show off their amazing third grade skills for all of their friends.  Fortunately, I was usually picked pretty quickly since I was fast back then.  I know, hard to believe that I was a fast runner but I have been this tall since I was 9, so that made me like the fastest girl in third grade!  Even though I knew I would be picked soon, there was still a lot of anxiety as I stood there, out in front of all the other 9 year olds, being judged, looked over head to toe and praying to God that I wouldn’t be picked last.  That’s what this time period feels like to me…..waiting to be picked while I’m standing out in front of everyone, vulnerable and exposed.

Carol from Adoption Network called today to give us an update on our status.  Every time my phone rings and it shows up “UNKNOWN” I almost come clean out of my skin!  As my trembling hands hold my phone and swipe to answer the call, my mind races.  Is this it?  Are they calling to say we have been picked again?  Is this the call that will help heal our broken hearts?  What if the worst happens to us again?  Can we handle this?  If you know me, you know that all of those questions and more can actually run through my head in the quick 2 seconds it takes to realize who is calling and physically answer the phone with a very shaky, almost nauseous sounding, “heeellooo??”  My body almost goes into shock in those few seconds with an erratic heart rate, increased respiratory rate, visibly shaking limbs and near paralysis.  I wish there was nothing in this world that had that much power of my physical and emotional being!  I guess I should just chalk it up to being a parent and the vast realm of emotions and feelings that comes along with that package.

So, Carol said that we had 143 hits on our Adoption Network for October and over 60 for November.  Remember, we were the “featured family” for the month of October, which essentially means we were the first couple to be seen when you went to the website.  Our profile was mailed directly to 1 birthmother last month and has already been mailed to another this month.  This time last year I would have been ecstatic over this information, thrilled, overjoyed, hopeful, filled with anticipation, to say the least.  Now, after what we have been through, I’m like, “meehhh…”  I mean, how can I really get excited about that many people looking into some of the most intimate details of my personal life and choosing not to pick me?  Am I seriously supposed to be happy about that?

It is utterly disheartening to realize that the unknown caller is not calling to tell you that you have been picked but rather they are calling to tell you that a significant number of people looked at you and decided you weren’t good enough.  Like being the kid who was picked last every time, only worse.  This isn’t kickball, this is my life, my dream, my family.  The level of disappointment that this brings is indescribable.  The closest comparison I can make would be if you were excited about your birthday, anxiously awaiting presents and affirmation only to find that no one even recognizes your special day or wants to celebrate with you.  That really doesn’t do justice to how I feel but it’s the best explanation I can think of to share.

I’ve not written anything in a while because I just don’t have anything to say.  If you have been following our journey, you have a small picture of how broken we have been.  It’s hard to write something to share with everyone who has supported us, when I don’t really have anything to say beyond sharing the details of our heartache, which I just can’t do. .  I have shared with my besties that I’m not just tired of being sad, I’m tired of having a reason to be sad.  I have good days and not so good days, just like with any life changing tragedy.  My support system has literally been lifesaving and I thank God every day for all of you!

I am slowly learning to accept what my counselor has called my “new normal”.  It’s ok to accept that things are not what you expected.  It’s scary, unsettling and disappointing but it’s ok.  No one can go through what we have been through on this journey and not be changed in some way.  One of the things I recently noticed that has changed for me is that I have started to pray for our birthmother again.  Before we had been chosen by Nicole, I prayed every night for the woman who would choose us to be the parents of our child.  I would pray that God would give her strength and courage to make the right decision.  I had not been able to pray that until a couple weeks ago.  Let me just say that is HUGE progress for me, mentally and emotionally.

So, for now, I will accept that not being picked today is part of our story.  I will continue to trust and pray that we will be picked soon for our forever baby.  And I will continue to thank God for all of you who love us and pray for us as we make our way to becoming a family.