Pick me!!! Pick me!!!!

 

Remember when you were in elementary school and everyone at recess decided to play kickball?  Captains were chosen, kids lined up anxiously waiting to be “picked” so they could show off their amazing third grade skills for all of their friends.  Fortunately, I was usually picked pretty quickly since I was fast back then.  I know, hard to believe that I was a fast runner but I have been this tall since I was 9, so that made me like the fastest girl in third grade!  Even though I knew I would be picked soon, there was still a lot of anxiety as I stood there, out in front of all the other 9 year olds, being judged, looked over head to toe and praying to God that I wouldn’t be picked last.  That’s what this time period feels like to me…..waiting to be picked while I’m standing out in front of everyone, vulnerable and exposed.

Carol from Adoption Network called today to give us an update on our status.  Every time my phone rings and it shows up “UNKNOWN” I almost come clean out of my skin!  As my trembling hands hold my phone and swipe to answer the call, my mind races.  Is this it?  Are they calling to say we have been picked again?  Is this the call that will help heal our broken hearts?  What if the worst happens to us again?  Can we handle this?  If you know me, you know that all of those questions and more can actually run through my head in the quick 2 seconds it takes to realize who is calling and physically answer the phone with a very shaky, almost nauseous sounding, “heeellooo??”  My body almost goes into shock in those few seconds with an erratic heart rate, increased respiratory rate, visibly shaking limbs and near paralysis.  I wish there was nothing in this world that had that much power of my physical and emotional being!  I guess I should just chalk it up to being a parent and the vast realm of emotions and feelings that comes along with that package.

So, Carol said that we had 143 hits on our Adoption Network for October and over 60 for November.  Remember, we were the “featured family” for the month of October, which essentially means we were the first couple to be seen when you went to the website.  Our profile was mailed directly to 1 birthmother last month and has already been mailed to another this month.  This time last year I would have been ecstatic over this information, thrilled, overjoyed, hopeful, filled with anticipation, to say the least.  Now, after what we have been through, I’m like, “meehhh…”  I mean, how can I really get excited about that many people looking into some of the most intimate details of my personal life and choosing not to pick me?  Am I seriously supposed to be happy about that?

It is utterly disheartening to realize that the unknown caller is not calling to tell you that you have been picked but rather they are calling to tell you that a significant number of people looked at you and decided you weren’t good enough.  Like being the kid who was picked last every time, only worse.  This isn’t kickball, this is my life, my dream, my family.  The level of disappointment that this brings is indescribable.  The closest comparison I can make would be if you were excited about your birthday, anxiously awaiting presents and affirmation only to find that no one even recognizes your special day or wants to celebrate with you.  That really doesn’t do justice to how I feel but it’s the best explanation I can think of to share.

I’ve not written anything in a while because I just don’t have anything to say.  If you have been following our journey, you have a small picture of how broken we have been.  It’s hard to write something to share with everyone who has supported us, when I don’t really have anything to say beyond sharing the details of our heartache, which I just can’t do. .  I have shared with my besties that I’m not just tired of being sad, I’m tired of having a reason to be sad.  I have good days and not so good days, just like with any life changing tragedy.  My support system has literally been lifesaving and I thank God every day for all of you!

I am slowly learning to accept what my counselor has called my “new normal”.  It’s ok to accept that things are not what you expected.  It’s scary, unsettling and disappointing but it’s ok.  No one can go through what we have been through on this journey and not be changed in some way.  One of the things I recently noticed that has changed for me is that I have started to pray for our birthmother again.  Before we had been chosen by Nicole, I prayed every night for the woman who would choose us to be the parents of our child.  I would pray that God would give her strength and courage to make the right decision.  I had not been able to pray that until a couple weeks ago.  Let me just say that is HUGE progress for me, mentally and emotionally.

So, for now, I will accept that not being picked today is part of our story.  I will continue to trust and pray that we will be picked soon for our forever baby.  And I will continue to thank God for all of you who love us and pray for us as we make our way to becoming a family.