I haven't posted anything on here in well over a month. My Grandma taught me that "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". So, I chose to stay quiet, so to speak. After a while, I did have something to say, but wasn't sure how to say it. Today I visited with a friend on facebook and told her that I think I'm ready to share again and I'm pretty sure I know what to say now, also.
After the last negative pregnancy test, I felt lost. I had believed that our time was finally here and when that wasn't the case, I didn't know what to think. We had a lot of quiet time around our house as we both searched to find our way out of the despair that surrounded us.
As you may know, that was our last chance at in vitro. My RE said we could do in vitro again but only with donor eggs. That means we could attempt to have a fertilized embryo that was not genetically mine, then transfer it into my uterus for me to carry. At first, I was totally for that option. My sister had offered to give us her eggs, so I thought, "Why not?" Jon was not comfortable with it, at all from the beginning. I felt like this was our only chance and would be that only way for me to carry a pregnancy. What a tremendous gift for my sister to even offer to us. But after much discussion, we decided against it. There were just too many factors to consider and the bottom line is that this is not just my decision to make. I have to consider my husband's thoughts and feelings as we make our way down this path. I want a child and I want to be a family but not at the expense of my marriage.
So, that left us with adoption, which is what we have decided to do. We have enlisted the services of an adotion law firm who has guaranteed us a baby. Now, of course, you have to keep in mind there are risks with this route, as well. Each state has it's own laws regarding infant adoption, which is a reason I felt using a law firm would be most beneficial to us. There will be no question whether or not all aspects of this will be legal. But in the end, we will have a baby and we will be a family.
The people we have dealt with so far have been amazing! We have spent a few hours on the phone with them in conference calls as we discuss the process and how things will work for us. At this point, we are waiting to compile our profile for birthmothers to view. This profile will be marketed on several web sites in order for us to be as marketable as possible. Because this law firm deals with birthmothers nationwide, the wait time is significantly less than if we had chosen to go through and adoption agency, who can only deal within the state they are licensed. Once our profile is complete, the average wait time to be chosen by a birthmother is 4 months, which is so exciting!!
As always, there is a fine, thin, grey line between being positive and realistic. There is always a chance, in this type of adoption circumstance that the birthmother could change her mind. However, because these birthmothers are provided with extensive couseling, the rate of success is extremely high. This is yet another reason I felt like this law firm was right for us.
We will start our home study process in a couple weeks, which is required for all adoptions. I have visited with a couple people who have been through the home study themselves and feel like I have a good idea what to expect. And yes, I know that we need a fire extinguisher under the kitchen sink!!! (That is required to complete the home study, fyi.)
As we discussed our options and what we thought we should do, I shared some thoughts with JP that I want to share with you. I don't have to like that I can't conceive or carry a baby. I will still have times when I am sad about it because I truly feel that it is like a grieving process when you are faced with infertility. I also know that I can choose to be sad and mourn that loss so much that it totally consumes me or I can put on my "big girl pants" and we can make a plan and move forward. I have come to realize that it is more important to me to have a baby and for us to be a family that it is for me to be pregnant. How we get our baby is not what matters. Having the opportunity to be a family and raise a child with JP is what's important. I have learned so much about myself, my husband and my marriage throughout this entire process. I know that we are stronger people and our marriage is stronger because of it.
I still do not believe that "things happen for a reason". I think that's something people say to cope with their circumstances. I wouldn't change what we have done for anything. I know that we can lay our heads down at night and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we tried everything we could do to make this happen for ourselves. I will never think, "what if we had tried this?" because we did it all. Adoption is the next step if we want to have a family, and that's what we are choosing to do.
So, having said all that, I want to thank you for continuing to pray for us as we start down this path of our journey. We are excited and nervous at the same time! And we know we will have a baby, soon!!
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