Ok, so here's the deal, I'm not going to apologize for how I feel or what I'm about to say.
So, now's you're chance to click that mouse and back out of this page before you read something that you might potentially disagree with or make you irritated....
Having said that, I am really pissed! I am so mad that there are people in this world who have children and don't cherish them. I'm angry at god for letting those people have kids and making us suffer as we try desperately to have a family. I mean, I'm not asking for a freaking cure for cancer here. I just want to have a baby and raise a family together with my husband. This isn't a ridiculous request, in my opinion. We are pretty responsible adults with a nice home and good jobs. We can care for a child, financially, emotionally and physically. When I have to see someone who doesn't have the money to care for their child or chooses cigarettes over their child's well being, I want to shake them and ask, "Do you have any idea how lucky you are?!"
I am so heartbroken and devastated over our situation. I am trying to put on a brave face and get through my daily activities but there are times when the sadness grips my throat and I can't breath and I feel like I'm going to suffocate from the heartache. I understand that people don't really know what to say but are trying to be supportive. But I swear to god, if I hear another person say, "God has a plan for you, just wait and see." or "Everything happens for a reason." or better yet, "I know a couple who tried for years to have a baby and they wound up getting pregnant when they least expected it." I think I will scream or vomit! These things do NOT help me!! To be quite honest, I don't really want anything to do with a god whose "plan" for me is make me suffer through the heartache of infertility, take my baby away when I finally do get pregnant on the same day my father-in-law dies then give me one last chance at having my dreams fulfilled, only to not come through in the end. Sorry, I don't think all of this is some big plan to make me a better person or strengthen my faith. I also don't think it's helpful to hear, "well, sometimes things don't go the way we planned so we have to trust that it's all in god's hands." Seriously? If you know me, then you know that I'm not one to sit around and wait to "see what happens". I've decided the people who say these things either don't really know what else to say or have never experienced anything trying or devastating in thier own lives.
I don't mind people saying they are thinking and praying for us. I also had someone tell me today that she enjoyed reading my blogs and thought the text message that JP sent me the day of the pregnancy test showed that we have a great relationship. When people say those things to me, I feel a little bit of encouragement. I do know that we have a strong marriage and through all of these experiences we have grown and learned so much about each other.
I also know that this heartache will not go away overnight. I truly think that each time I have a negative pregnancy test, it's almost like I have to go through the grieving process all over again. Obviously, I'm pretty angry right now as I try to sort out what our options are and how we will move past this. Some days are better than others, but the bad days are still really bad.
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