"Sometimes the things we can't change end up changing us."

I would like to start this post by saying thank you.  Actually, thank you seems thousands of miles away from how we truly feel.  We could never really be able to adequately express how grateful we are to all of our family and friends who have supported us this summer.  Jon and I have experienced tragedy before, with the loss of our only pregnancy the same day as his dad passed away.  We both feel that what we have faced this summer has been much worse than what we previously referred to as “the worst day of our lives”.  Once again, we were reminded of how loved we are by those around us.  Before we even left, so many people shared in our excitement and while we were in California, we could feel the prayers being lifted for us by people all across the country.  We could never say what it meant to us knowing that so many people were “on our side” throughout this journey.

As you can imagine, coming home was bittersweet.   We wanted so desperately to be near the people we loved but at the same time, we understood that leaving California meant leaving Jensen behind.  We were so relieved to be home, with family and friends to embrace us as we worked toward mending our broken hearts.  We are far from whole as we continue to take things one day at a time but we are making progress.  As we sat in the hospital, waiting for Nicole to decide if we could leave with Jensen, I looked at JP and said, “If this doesn’t work out, I’ll never be able to come back from that.  I’ll never be the same and I don’t think I can ever recover.”  I would be lying if I didn’t say that there have been times when this has been so difficult that the thought of having to bear the next second was agonizing.  We have both tried to utilize our resources as we make our way through this.  I have read several books and we have seen a counselor.  I have also kept in touch with the chaplain who played such an important role in this journey.  She has been an invaluable resource to us along the way and I truly feel like she was sent to us straight from God.  We are working through the grief process together, respecting each other along the way and learning from each other as we heal.  One thing we have come to appreciate is that grief isn’t a one-time experience and then it’s over.  It’s an ongoing process that needs and deserves attention and respect.  I think that grief is like a fire.  It must be allowed to burn completely out on its own rather than being snuffed out or having someone pour water on it because it’s uncomfortable.  In order for grief to be worked through properly, it must be tended to, admired, stoked gently and revered.  Although rushing through the grief process may seem easier, you will only hurt yourself in the end.  If you have not fully grieved a situation that you have endured, it will only rear its ugly head the next time you are faced with something similar or worse yet, you will never be able to move past that which has caused you so much pain.  I can’t think of anyone who would want to live that way, with the hurt of the past constantly hanging over them, creeping into every possible happy moment.

Having said that, I want to thank everyone for allowing us to grieve in our own ways and not rushing us to move onto the next step.  Never once have I felt as though anyone was trying to hurry us through this.  We have felt so blessed to have so many people who love and support us, even from afar.  We truly appreciate you for respecting us and allowing us the time and space that we have needed as we work through this together. 

We met with our social worker in Overland Park on Wednesday to update our home study, which is a yearly requirement when you are awaiting an adoption.  Hillary is one of the most amazing women I have ever met.  She is so insightful and perceptive and is very knowledgeable about the adoption process.   Hillary is completely unattached from Adoption Network.  She is a social worker who has an adoption agency and we have chosen to use her for our home study process.  We told her the whole story, from the phone call saying Nicole had chosen us to the moment we were sitting in her office.  She was shocked and horrified and at one point said, “You can’t make this stuff up.  In fact, if this were fiction, I would say, ‘You have gone too far here.  This is too much!  It’s not believable.’”  When we were finished telling her everything, she said, “I want to tell you both something right now.  There is nothing you could have said or done differently that would have changed the outcome of this situation.  You did and said everything right.  None of this was your fault and I want you to know that.”  I was so relieved to hear a professional adoption social worker say that to us.  I have relived almost every moment we were in California, thinking, “What if we had done this?  Should we have said that?”  I have lain awake every night thinking and remembering everything, trying to make sense of all of this.  By her telling us that, I literally felt a weight lifted off of me, as though I finally understood this was not my fault.

Some of you know we bought Nicole a keepsake, not to say “thank you for giving us your baby” but rather a personalized token of our appreciation for the happiness she was bringing us by making this difficult choice.  When she came to take Jensen from us, she tried to give it back to Jon while I stood back holding Jensen.  I stepped forward and said, “No, that is for you.  Keep it.”  After hearing this, Hillary said that by doing that, we showed Nicole our true character.  She pointed out that in our moment of deepest sorrow and heartache, we were able to continue to be the same people we are, honest, loving and compassionate and Nicole will always remember that.  She will know that there are people in this world who are capable of giving without strings attached and no further expectations.  I had never thought of it in that way and although a part of me hopes that when she looks at it she feels guilty, I am proud of us for being able to show Nicole who we are, no matter what the circumstances.

Hillary talked through some of the situation with us and gave us some specific questions to ask Adoption Network.  She also said to call her the next time we are presented with an adoption opportunity and she would go over the information with us and discuss any details that she might consider to be “red flags”.  She encouraged us to continue to pursue adoption and even offered to network for us, in addition to what Adoption Network will be doing for us.  We left feeling like we had gained valuable information for how we should proceed.

When we first signed up with Adoption Network, we were assigned an adoption consultant.  Once we were chosen by Nicole, we were handed over to an adoption advisor.  Now that we are in the category of “disrupted adoption”, we have been handed over to a client liaison, named Carol.  I emailed her today and let her know that we had several questions and weren’t sure who we should direct them toward.  She said she would try to answer them and we scheduled a phone call for this evening.  We had 13 questions written down and Carol was only able to answer 4 of them.  I was disappointed by that at first but she plans to visit with Cynthia to get some answers for us and we will talk with both of them next week.  During our conversation, I told Carol that we had been working hard to deal with our feelings related to what we have been through and that we have waited to talk with her because we have been angry about the situation and outcome.  She said she appreciated my honesty and was glad that I shared that.  Lucky for her, I didn’t call 3 or 4 weeks ago!

So, where are we now?  We are healing, grieving and trying to get back into our lives.  We know that we will never be the same people we were on July 11.  We understand that it will take time to fully process and deal with all of the emotions that are involved with this.  We are so grateful for the wonderful people in our lives who love and care for us so much.  We will always love Jensen and he will forever have a special place in our hearts.   We are not giving up on adoption or having a family.