3 weeks doesn't really seem like a long time but it seems like forever since we first met Jensen, 3 long weeks ago. As I try to deal with my emotions and healing, I often find myself closing my eyes and trying to remember every second he was with us. I think of his beautiful black hair, dark eyes, smooth skin and crooked smile. It seems like very few seconds go by without something reminding me of one of his features, likes, dislikes or behaviors. I know it may seem silly but in those 5 precious days we were his parents, we already knew things about him that we will never forget. He will always be our son and will forever hold a special place in our hearts and families.
Many people have asked us what is next....right now, our only plan is to try to heal. Our hearts have been forever broken and to quote JP, "This wasn't a puppy dog. It will take a long time to get over this." Some people, in an effort to encourage us have said, "You will have a baby, I just know it." Again, to quote JP, "We don't want another baby. We want Jensen back." We don't expect you to understand what we are going through or how we are dealing with it. All we ask is that you be patient with us. This is a grieving process for us and we must work through it together and individually in our own time and in our way. I spoke with the Chaplain from California again tonight as we have chosen to stay in touch with her. During our conversation she said, "Pain is real, it's crappy and it's real. It is part of your life and who you are and who will become. Take it seriously and deal with." I felt like that was one of the most real things that has been said to us. This sucks, bad. It wasn't supposed to be with this was and now it has become part of our lives and who we are.
We have gone over every moment and asked ourselves "what if we had done this?" or "should we have said that?" I think about all the adversity we faced just to get to him and how it seemed at every disappointment, around the corner was a flicker of hope. I've said this before but we still truly believe that Jensen was supposed to come home with us. There were too many circumstances that worked out perfectly for this to have been anything other than divine. Nicole chose to put herself first in this situation and like every other part of it, we are working through the anger that she has caused us, as well.
I have felt so alone during the past few weeks but found comfort in something rather ordinary. One sleepless night, while channel surfing, I found a show on the Oxygen channel that comes on Monday nights called "I'm Having Their Baby". It's a show about adoption! The first episode I watched featured a birth mom who changed her mind more than once about her adoptive parents and eventually decided to parent her baby. It was like I had a dawning revelation that we are not the only people in world who this has happened to. I don't want to say I found comfort in the fact that others have suffered the way we are, but I did find encouragement in the fact that although those couples experiences what is called a disrupted/ failed adoption, they went on to have a family successfully through adoption. If you care to stay up late on a Monday night, watch that show and you will gain some perspective on the adoption process and what it is like for birth and adoptive parents. I assure you that you will learn something.
I also found a website called AdoptiveFamilies.com. They have support groups you can join, one of them being adoption loss. I joined the group and read the story of a woman who's husband's name is Jon. They did in vitro 3 times, had a miscarriage then chose to adopt. They were chosen by a young couple, met with them and even went to dr appointments with them. They took the baby home from the hospital and 2 days later had to give the baby back to the birth mother who's family had shown up and promised to help her raise the baby. The parallels of their story and ours were almost freaky. I read it to Jon and he just looked at me with a wild eyed expression and said, "Wow, wow, that's crazy." Again, reading this story was another chance for me to realize that this has happened to others and we will survive.
We have had a lot of losses that will take a lot of time to grieve and deal with completely. We have not given up on having a family. We have not given up on adoption. Truthfully, we haven't given up on Nicole or Jensen yet. We pray every night that she will realize that he belongs with us.
I will leave you with a quote from C.S. Lewis that I stumbled upon today. "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us. We are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." That pretty much sums up how we feel right now. I ask that you be patient and gentle with us. Sometimes silence is ok. A simple smile with a pat on the back or a hug is welcomed. Try to put yourself in our shoes, broken saddened, anxious and distraught and think of the things you would not want to hear someone else say. Now is not the time for cliches and empty words. Now is the time for love, support, prayers and knowing that we can count on you if we need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen.
Thank you............the JP's
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