I had my first day back to work today and to quote my friend
Stephanie, “You lived.” It wasn’t easy
and there were a few rough spots in the day.
I was so thankful to have my work friends there with me today,
especially when someone who hadn’t heard what happened patted me on the back
and said, “Hey Mom.” I sort of freaked
out but my friends handled it for me. I’m
proud to say I work with some pretty amazing people!
When I first started this blog, I had no idea what it would
lead to. I was actually just being lazy
and using it as a tool to let our friends and family know what was going on
without having to send multiple text messages or emails. With one fell swoop, I was able to let
everyone know what we were doing on our way to having a family while sharing my
thoughts and feelings. I have grown to
enjoy writing my postings and have been told by several people that I should
write a book. I don’t feel like I am
being inspirational as I write but I am glad that others have found encouragement
through my words. I have come to decide
that part of my reason for writing is to educate others about domestic adoption
and the process entailed. There is so
much that is involved in all of this that people wouldn’t know otherwise unless
we were sharing with everyone. Not to
mention, I have found great comfort in having an outlet to air my feelings with
no repercussions.
I write this post tonight on the eve of the anniversary of
what we formerly referred to as “the worst day of our lives”. This is a day that we both have a hard time
getting through as we remember how we struggled and I literally fought to live
on that day 3 years ago. I wanted to
share a quote from Rose Kennedy as I think about the loss we have
experienced. “It has been said, ‘time
heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity,
covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” This is so very true. Even in the midst of the devastating loss we
have experienced this summer, we remember the pain that we felt that day and
the loss that we will never forget, our only pregnancy. The pain is not as intense but it is still
there. I would imagine that as we
continue to heal from the loss of our son, we will feel the same. A pain that is less intense but still there
as a reminder of what we have been willing to do to have a family.
We talked with Carol and Cynthia this week, as planned to
try to get a few more answers to our questions.
One of our biggest questions was why there wasn’t a social worker
available, especially after we specifically asked for one. As we already know, adoption laws are
different from state to state. One of
the factors regarding those laws is the level of involvement that the adoption
social worker plays. Some states, California
included, frown on an adoption social worker being present in the hospital as
it can be misunderstood as coercion, should the adoption later be contested by
the birth parents. Now that we know
that, we kind of understand but we felt like that should have been better
explained to us up front, rather than leaving us feeling like we were being
left out in the cold, alone, 2,000 miles from home!
We also wanted to know why the legal documents for Nicole to
surrender her parental rights were not signed before she left the
hospital. Unfortunately, as with so much
of the situation, the timing of when the relinquishment papers are signed is up
to the birth mom. She decides when she
will sign the papers, period. So, when
she said she wanted to sign the day after discharge that is completely
acceptable, much to our dismay. She is
allowed to determine how much time she will spend with the baby while in the
hospital, whether or not she participates in counseling before and after the
birth and whether or not she stays on the maternity floor instead of being
transferred to another floor. As I said
before, I feel like this is an avenue for me to provide education to those of
you who are following us along this journey.
Hopefully, this will answer some of your questions, as well. As far as we are concerned, this was not at
all how we understood the process to be, so we were very alarmed and confused
when these things were happening and felt unprepared to deal with them. Now that we know, we will be better able to
cope with the hospital stay for next time.
Interestingly enough, we also learned that most birth moms
who change their mind and decide to parent, do so shortly after the birth of
the baby. Few adoptive parents leave the
hospital only to have the birth parents change their mind before legal custody
is obtained. When I learned this, I thought,
“Of course it doesn’t happen often.
Neither does rain in July in central California or taxi cabs that won’t
start or any of the totally bizarre course of events that led us to California!!”
One of the things we have been concerned with is how we will
deal with the next adoption opportunity.
We were comforted to know that the next birth mom who picks us will know
that we have experienced a disrupted adoption.
That alone shows how committed we are to this and what we are willing to
do to have a family. I’m certain we will
be guarded but we will make a constant effort to not compare our next birth mom
with Nicole. That would not be fair to
any of us.
Last night, Carol called to review what we had discussed
Monday night. We decided to go back
online and our web sites were reactivated early this morning. She also told us that we will be the featured
family for October. That means we will
be the first family that birth moms will see when they contact ANLC. I can honestly say that I was not excited to hear
our web sites had been reactivated. This
time last year, I was working feverishly to get the information out for those
web sites to be activated. Now, I’m just
sorry they have to be turned back on.
I have said this before and I’m sure I will say it many more
times, this is not the end of our story.
We will fight, tooth and nail, scratching and clawing our way to find
our family. We refuse to allow this to
be over for us. I will leave you with
one final quote that I have found to inspirational in the last several weeks……”Whatever
you do, hold onto hope! The tiniest thread
will twist into an unbreakable cord. Let
hope anchor you in the possibility that this is not the end of your story, that
change will bring you to peaceful shores.”
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