I am angry, so very angry. I am just plain pissed! How on earth could someone sleep at night knowing what they have done to us?! Why does another woman get to hold my son, rock him to sleep, give him kisses and watch him grow? I am so very mad!
One week ago today was the turning point in our lives. We struggled while we were in the hospital with Nicole, the birth mother, going back and forth in her decision to continue with the adoption. Once we left the hospital, we thought we were in the clear. Sure, we had more ridiculous obstacles to face, which I shared in my last post but we both just knew in our hearts that we were "safe" from any further heart break.
Last Monday, as we were preparing to leave Santa Maria and go to Pismo Beach, where we planned to stay until we got clearance to come home, yet another bomb shell was dropped on us. The social worker who was to work with Nicole and get the paperwork complete for the relinquishment of parental rights called to notify us that Nicole wished to post pone the signing until Wednesday. Immediately, I was sickened by this. I asked if she gave any indication as to why she wanted to wait and he said no but that he thought it would actually be to our benefit, legally speaking, because she would then be under less of an influence of narcotics by waiting until Wednesday. He said he didn't feel like she was changing her mind........he couldn't have been farther from the truth.
We left Santa Maria after a few more bumps in the road and arrived at Pismo Beach, which was absolutely amazing! If you want to go to a beautiful part of California, go to the Central Coast. If the circumstances were different, we could have really had a wonderful time there.
After we got into our room and settle, we continued to have those feelings of being so nervous we were nauseous! We found ourselves saying at some point during each day, "Maybe we should eat something." If you know us, you know that is completely out of the ordinary and an obvious sign of our emotional state. So, Monday evening, I decided to go the store and get some food and baby supplies. While I was in Wal-Mart, picking out diapers, my phone rang and it was Cynthia. She said things weren't looking good, that Nicole was having serious doubts about the adoption and she had gone so far as to ask Cynthia how she could get Jensen back.
I was shocked, sickened and horrified! I put the baby supplies back and went straight to the check out so I could get back to Jon and Jensen as soon as possible. Cynthia claimed to have told Nicole that if she had decided she wanted to take Jensen back on Monday night, she would have to come get him that night. Nicole asked if she could just wait until Tuesday morning!!!!! Cynthia says she told her that would not be fair to us because we had bonded with him and love him and we were not her free babysitters. Nicole said she was going to turn her phone off and go to church to pray about it. She said she would let everyone know what her final decision would be the next morning.
We were once again crushed, heart broken, worried sick and crying as we cared for Jensen all night Monday night. As you can imagine, we were up most of the night. At one point, sobbing, I said to Jon, "I'll never be able to come back from this, Jon. I just can't give him back. I can't imagine our lives without him."
Jensen was a typical newborn and up early. We were on edge as we fed and changed him, waiting to hear what Nicole would say.
Cynthia tried to call Nicole and got her voicemail. She text her and Nicole replied, "I'm still sleeping." Who does that?! Our lives were in the balance and she was still freakin sleeping???? I was beyond aggravated over her being so inconsiderate of our feelings and emotions.
As we waited, we continued to pray for God to give Nicole peace and strength, for his protection over Jensen and our family. It became sort of a chant that we just kept saying over and over. We decided to take advantage of the moments we had as a family and took a walk out on the beach. Jon took our picture as I held Jensen and we walked out into the Pacific Ocean. It is very difficult to enjoy seeing an ocean for the first time while you are waiting for someone else to make a life changing decision for you.
Nicole text us shortly after we returned to the room and asked if Cynthia had called us. We had heard absolutely nothing from Nicole since the morning before. Cynthia had not called us so Jon called her. She said she had just talked with Nicole and that she wanted to come and get Jensen.
I could never be able to find the words to describe what we felt at that moment. I won't even attempt to try to explain to you what it is like to be told that you must give your son back after loving and cherishing him for 5 days. I don't expect anyone to understand what that is like and I would appreciate if no one tried to say they do. Unless the exact same thing has happened to you, you will never know what this is like for us.
At that moment, I dropped to my knees, with Jensen in my arms and shouted to God, "Please don't make me do this! Please don't make him grow up this way! Please let us take him home! God, I beg of you not to tear apart my family!" I can share the words with you but I can't tell you what it felt like without using some pathetic cliche that will never do it justice.
Nicole text and said she was on her way to get him and that she wanted him to be ready. I just held him tight while Jon gathered his things, diapers, wipes, formula, etc. I told Jensen he could be whoever he wanted to be and to strive for excellence and to always try to rise above his situation and be better. Jon wanted him to have an outfit, so he picked one out to send with him. We also wanted him to have the stuffed cow that was given to him as a gift. She text and said she was just too sad to take him from us, so she was going to send her mother and brother. I told Jon we didn't have to give him to anyone but her, legally, so he called Cynthia, who told Nicole she had to take him from us, no one else. When Nicole text and said she was there, Jon turned to me and said, "Honey, we have to go downstairs." Through tears, I simply said, "I can't do this." He put his arm around me and said, "We have to."
We went down to the office of the Inn where we were staying and waited. I was holding Jensen so tight, I thought he might squeal but he was as peaceful as he could be, sleeping soundly in my arms. Jon saw Nicole drive by and she had no idea he could see her. I wasn't looking but Jon says she had her arm out the window and was laughing. That's not how someone acts when they are supposedly so distraught they can't face you.
Jon met her out on the sidewalk while I stayed under the awning of the parking garage. He gave her the bag of supplies, showed her where we had written down the times he had eaten, when and where his follow up appt would be and gave her the cow and outfit. Jon said, "We want him to have a cow from Missouri." Nicole kept trying to say she was sorry but Jon just cut her off. He was so upset.
We had given her a token of our appreciation and something to remember us by while we were all in the hospital. She tried to give that back and I said, "No, that's for you." She may be the kind of person who goes back on her word but I am not. I wanted her to know that.
Jon turned around to me and took Jensen from my arms. He hugged and kissed him and told him he would always love him. He also told Jensen to cry all night, as loud as he wanted. Then, I stood by him and watched him hand this precious boy, our gift from God to this person who has literally no way of taking care of him. I leaned over him and kissed and hugged him so much that his beautiful black hair was matted with my tears. I just said over and over, "Jensen, I love you so much. I love you so much. I will always love you." Jon had turned around and hadn't realize that I didn't follow. When he did, he grabbed me by my arms and said, "Honey, you have to let him go." and he pulled me away from the one person on this earth I had come to love more than life itself.
Jon turned me away and tried to get me to go inside but I was unable to walk. He carried me up the stairs back to our room where I had a total break down. Don't think Jon wasn't a mess, also. At one point when he thought I had calmed down some, he said, "Honey, I know it looks like I'm ok but I'm not." and he began to weep.
We spent the rest of that day consoling each other, sobbing in each other's arms and feeling like we were in shock. You should also know that on that same day, my dad was having a procedure done on the vessels in his legs to open up some severe blockages. I was told later that day that my dad didn't handle the procedure very well and was having difficulty keeping his blood pressure up. He was kept in the hospital overnight and is doing fine now, but Jon had to deal with that also. At one point in the night, I sat straight up and looked at Jon across the room and started shaking. He asked what was wrong and I said, "What happened the last time we lost a baby?" He pointed his finger at me and said, "Don't say that!! Don't even say it!!" For those of you who don't know, the day we lost our first baby was the same day Jon's dad passed away. The realization of the parallels of these events sent me into another hysterical reaction. Fortunately, dad is doing well and hopefully that procedure will be the last for awhile.
We have been blessed to have had some wonderful people put directly into our path. The hospital chaplain, Elizabeth, has truly been a god send. She came to visit us on her day off to talk with us and help us start working through this. She encouraged us to be open and honest with each other and with God as we work through our grief over this. We have kept in touch with her since we have been home.
We don't expect everyone to understand how we deal with this but we do ask that you be patient with us. We truly feel like God's plan was for Jensen to come home with us. As my Grandma Drew said, Jensen staying in California is Nicole's will, not God's. There were too many instances in which the most horrible thing could have happened and then miraculously, someone stepped in to help us. But God has given humans the gift of free will and Nicole chose to do what she wanted instead of what God wanted. You don't have to agree with that, but you can keep that to yourself. We will hold fast to this and believe this with all of our hearts.
We made the decision to come home this past Friday, which was so heart wrenching. We would have loved to have stayed there forever, hoping and waiting for Nicole to change her mind again. But that was not reasonable and delaying our return home was like slowly ripping off a bandaid. It was going to hurt coming home without him, no matter when we left. Of course, true to form for us, the trip home was not without incident. Our flight to Houston was delayed due to repairs so we ended up flying from LA to San Fransisco, after we had flown from Santa Maria to LA. We completely back tracked and ended up at KCI around 12:30. To top it off, our luggage was still in LA, so it wasn't delivered until Saturday. If anything could have gone wrong with that trip, it simply did.
My parents picked us up from the airport and for the first time in my life I was able to appreciate their need to be with me when I hurt and hold me when I'm sad. I said this before that I had no idea how fierce my love for my child would be. I can also say that the intensity of that love doesn't change when you no longer have your child in your arms. It has consumed me and I know for sure I will never be the same.........
I know you want to know what's next, that's the question we keep getting. A few things I know for certain are this, that we must grieve this loss appropriately and respectfully before we move forward. I also know that the love that Jon and I have is true and rare and it simply can't be stopped with us. There will be someone who is raised in our home who will carry on this love and share it with others. Finally, we are meant to be parents. We are both made to love someone else unconditionally and cherish that life for the rest of our days.
Please continue to pray with us as we have many rough days ahead of us. We truly appreciate all the prayers and words of encouragement we have received from those of you who love us. It's totally cliche but times like these show us who our friends really are and we thank you for that.
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