I'm not even really sure where to begin here.....many of you have followed my posts and read my blog updates for the past couple years as we have made our way through this journey to have a family. You know that we have not had an easy time of it and there have been moments when it seemed like we were receiving bad news at every turn. None of that compares to what we have experienced the last few days. I will try to give you an idea of what has happened without getting into too many details. I will warn you that this is probably the longest post I have ever made. As you probably already know, this started on Wednesday with finding out that we weren't going to be there when Jensen was born. The next thing we faced was the great United Airline tragedy of 2012 that we experienced on Thursday. Having every flight delayed and spending the entire day in 3 different airports was nothing compared to the horrible flight into Santa Maria! The weather was so bad we had to attempt our landing, that's right, I said attempt, 2 or 3 times before we actually touched the ground!! It was so rough, I almost got sick and poor JP was just absolutely a nervous wreck. I was ready for a parachute!!
When we finally landed and got our luggage, our taxi that was supposed to take us to the hospital to see Jensen was late!!!! As JP tells the story, we were the last 2 people in this tiny airport with a security guard who looked like he was about 90 years old, waiting for our taxi to take us to see Jensen. When the cab finally arrived, the driver was super nice and very helpful. He told us when we call for our cab back to the airport, that we should allow 45 minutes for them to get to us. (That will be important to know for later.)
So, we get to the hospital sometime after midnight, which means we had been up for almost 24 hours. We were so tired and nervous as we waited for them to bring Jensen in to see us. We sat together on the bed, holding hands and shaking all over.....then the nurse opened the door and brought him in to us and we were smitten!!! He has this head full of hair that you can't believe!! He is absolutely perfect and beautiful and wonderful!
I leaned down and with tears in my eyes, asked if I could hold him. The nurse was so funny when she said, "Of course you can, sweetheart!" So, I picked him up and kissed and loved and cried on him and told him I had waited my whole life for him and was so glad to finally meet him. I had no idea you could love someone so much whom you just met! It wasn't too long before Jon came over and put his arms out to me and said he wanted to hold him. Now, we had talked about whether or not he was going to hold him when we got there because he has never held a baby so new. In fact, I think he has only held 2 babies that were tiny and they were a week old or more. But he was in love with Jensen the moment he saw him and couldn't wait to get him in his arms.
If you know us, you are aware that I think JP is pretty great. I mean, he's no angel and I complain about how he doesn't do things the way I want sometimes, but he's my lobster! Not to sound too mushy but we really do have a great love and we truly need each other. My love for him grew by leaps and bounds when I saw him holding our son. If you have kids, you probably know what I mean when I say there isn't anything in the world so special as to see your husband holding your baby and telling him how much he loves him. I knew it would be special but I had no idea how much it would melt my heart!
So, the nurses had the room all set up, with the pull out bed made for Jon and a hospitality tray for us. They were so accommodating to us. Forget everything you have heard about how California people are rude because we will argue with that! We have been treated like royalty by everyone we have encountered....except the taxi driver today. I'll tell you that later.
Jensen got to stay in the room with us for he rest of the night. I was so amazed with him that I couldn't stop staring at him. I had to take my glasses off so that I actually couldn't see him in order to try to go to sleep! I slept for about 2 hours and then I couldn't stand it any longer! I had to just hold him and love him!!
Friday morning brought so many emotions. We were looking forward to meeting Nicole, the woman who was going to make our dreams come true but as you can imagine we were very nervous. Should we dress up or be casual? Will she think we are weird because we will be so emotional? So many questions and uncertainty was going through our heads. Then she tells us she wants to wait to meet us until after her mother is there, in the afternoon but that she wants to see Jensen. We were told to expect her to want to see him but it was so hard to send him away.
So, Friday afternoon we went to meet her and her mother. Their main concern seemed to be whether or not we were going to tell Jensen about his birth family. JP and I made the decision a year ago when we started this process that it would not be fair to not let our child know who he is or where he came from. So, we tried to reassure them that we had planned this from the beginning and Jensen would know all about his birth family. (I don't expect you to understand this but it is very important to us.)
We left from meeting Nicole with a good feeling. She said she felt good about her decision and knew she was doing the right thing. She even told Cynthia that. Then Friday night, she started feeling depressed. I'm sure a large part of that was her hormones and the reality of the situation had started to settle in. She wanted to see him again and said she wanted to spend some time with him on Saturday when her family would be there. What you need to understand at this point is the fact that she was asking me to see him was actually just her being nice. While we were in the hospital, we actually had no legal rights to Jensen. She is his birth mother and only she had the authority to say whether he was going to be in her room, the nursery or ours. So, we really had no choice but to allow him to be with her whenever she asked.
Saturday morning, JP and I both woke up with a bad feeling. It was so intense that we were both physically ill. As the day past, I felt like my insides were shaking. The level of anxiety I had was so intense I was shaking constantly. While Nicole had Jensen, we tried to get something to eat and I got sick. We were walking back to the hotel and JP said, "Honey, I have a bad feeling." He is a very intuitive person and for him to say that out loud just made my heart sink to my toes. It was like him saying that validated my feelings and made them real.
We went back to the room and just waited, impatiently. Jensen was gone for several hours and we thought he was with Nicole. She text and asked how he was doing and I replied that I thought she was with him. She said she had sent him to the nursery to be fed a couple hours ago. We quickly went to the desk to ask what was going on and Jensen's nurse met us in the hallway. She came to our room and told us that Nicole let the nursing staff know that she was having doubts about her decision and apparently her family was trying to convince her she could keep him. When Nicole's dr found out she was questioning her decision, he notified the hospital chaplain and asked her to visit with Nicole. The nurse manager and the chaplain then called Cynthia to tell her what was going on and asked whether or not they should continue to allow Jensen to be with us and bond if there was a chance this would have a negative outcome. They were looking out for our best interests but we were devastated. I can not even begin to tell you what that felt like to hear that Nicole was considering keeping Jensen. We had already bonded with him and were already completely in love with him. The thought of him not coming home with us still makes it hard for me to breath.....
So Jensen's nurse asked us if we wanted to see him again. Immediately I said, "Yes!" I did not care what the next day would bring but I knew I would never be able to live with myself if I didn't spend every second possible with this precious boy. She brought him back to us and we just stared at him and loved on him. We could not believe that after all we had been through it would end like this.
The only thing we knew to do was to let our family know what was going on and ask them to pray with us. The chaplain came in and visited with us for a bit and was honest. She said it wasn't looking good at that point because Nicole's family was making all these promises to her about how they could help her, etc. We asked the chaplain to pray with us and she told us that she would continue to pray that God would give Nicole strength and peace. Last week at church, the sermon was about praying selfishly and how sometimes will not give us what we are praying for because we have selfish motives. I wanted desperately to ask God why this was happening and for him to allow Jensen to come home with us but I remembered the sermon and simply prayed for God to give Nicole strength to make the right decision and peace about it. I just said that over and over and over, all night and all morning.
While we sat in the room, just looking at Jensen, JP reached over, put his hand on my back and said, "Honey, I'm not sure what just happened but I just had a feeling come over me and I think everything is going to be fine." I looked at him like he was nuts and said, "Don't say that! You don't know it's going to be fine!" A few hours later, as I sat holding Jensen in my arms and staring lovingly into his face, I had the same feeling of peace come over me and I said, "Honey, I just had the same feeling."
Cynthia had called us a few times to let us know what was going on. She confirmed what the nurses were telling us but also said that Nicole wouldn't talk to her. This was very discouraging because I felt like her refusal to talk to Cynthia was a statement to us that she was definitely considering taking Jensen home with her. The last we heard from Cynthia was that Nicole said she was confused and needed to rest and would make her decision on Sunday morning. Our hearts were in our stomachs. We were on pins and needles and literally at the mercy of a hormonal 19 year.
Jensen was having some issues with his bilirubin and he ended up staying all night in the nursery last night under the lights. The nursery nurse was so awesome! She said she would bring him to us for feedings unless we were asleep because she wanted us to try to rest. They brought him in for a feeding last night and I took him back. JP said he couldn't go with him to the nursery. After we found out Nicole was having doubts, JP became very guarded with him. I think he was trying to protect himself against the worst. I refused to let one second go by where Jensen was not aware that I love him. When I took him back, he had a hard time settling in. He already has a routine after he eats and he really likes to be swaddled. Of course, they have to be naked under the bili lights and he wasn't happy about that. The nurse said, "Mommy, why don't you try to calm him down and we will try this again." I picked him up and within seconds he was quiet because I already know what he needs. Instantly I was overcome with such grief and despair over the idea of me not being able to quiet his every cry. I was holding him and sobbing. We got him back in the bassinet and I just couldn't quit crying. I knew that loving your my own child was going to be different that any other love I have experienced but I had no idea how fierce it would be and that it would instantly consume every ounce of my being. The nurse quickly wrapped her arms around me and quietly said, "Try to keep your faith, honey and be strong."
I walked back to the room, crying and asked Jon if we could just lay together. We fell asleep crying and praying that God would give Nicole strength and peace. Until this week, I could count on one hand the times I have seen my husband cry. We have both shed so many tears the past few days.
As soon as I woke up, I called the nursery and asked how Jensen was doing. He was asleep but would be needing to eat about an hour later, so I waited patiently for them to bring me my sweet baby. When he arrived, the nurse reported that his bilirubin was fine and he would be ok to be discharged today. I asked her if Nicole had been in to see him at all and she said no. Nicole hadn't asked about him either, which I took as a good sign. I quickly scooped him up and hugged and kissed him, then I let him eat.
We continued to pray and cry as we held this precious boy. Seconds seemed like hours as we waited to hear whether or not Nicole had made her decision. She text me and said that she loved him very much. I just decided I was going to be honest with her and I let her know that we love him, too. I told her that he would always know who she is and where he came from and that we would love him unconditionally and support him in everything he does.
Once again, we found ourselves sitting side by side, holding hands and staring at Jensen. We had received so many encouraging messages from our family and as Jon says, right about the time all of our midwest family was getting out of church, this tiny little Asian woman came in and said she was Nicole's nurse. I think we both swallowed our hearts when she said that. Then she said, "Nicole wanted me to come tell you she wants you to keep the baby but she wants to say good bye to him." Now, this woman was about 4.5 feet tall and JP bent down and grabbed her with both arms and with tears said, "Oh my, that's the best thing I've ever heard. I love you!" I got up and went over to them and we were this big group hug with all 3 of us crying. I said, "Please tell her I said thank you." The nurse said, "I can tell that you 2 are very warm and loving people and I'm going to tell her that, also." So, she took Jensen to Nicole one last time to say goodbye. We let our family know what was going on and asked everyone to continue to pray that she has strength and peace.
Nicole had one last request and that was that after she said good bye to Jensen, she wanted him to go to the nursery until she was gone. We were happy to oblige her. To be quite honest, after holding and loving him, I now know how adoptive parents get extorted by birth parents because I would have easily given her everything I have to take this baby home with us.
Jensen was brought to our room for his first bath, which I'm proud to say Daddy started. He doesn't deal well with Jensen crying, so when he started screaming, he looked at the nurse and me and said, "Honey, I can't do this. You are going to have to finish." Of course, I was happy to step in but I wanted JP to experience that, also. What a memory!! And we got it on video, too!!
We were discharged from the hospital after that. We called the taxi to come take us to the airport to get our rental car. We thought we gave the taxi guy plenty of time, but he was very impatient with us. He started running the meter as soon as he got there when JP was loading the car with all of our stuff. I couldn't leave until I had a wheel chair because that is apparently the rules. When I got down there, JP said the cab didn't have seat belts in the back. I said, "WHAT?!?!?!" So, this taxi driver had me fasten my new baby in the front seat of a crusty cab! I was so not happy!! Then, the cab broke down!!! I seriously can not make this stuff up! As JP tells it, we were broke down and homeless with a brand new baby in California!!! The cab driver said he was going to walk to his house and get his own vehicle to jump start the cab. He wouldn't even use his key to unlock the trunk so we could have our stuff. All of Jensen's diapers, clothes, formula and everything else we have was in this broken down cab!!! I went and got a security guard to go stand outside with JP. As soon as the cab was running, JP reached inside and popped the trunk and started shoveling our stuff out! The security guard and the receptionist said that it was a federal law for a cab to have working seat belts. JP brought everything we have back into the hospital lobby where I was with Jensen. The receptionist took pity on us and used her 15 minute break to drive us over to the hotel that is a block away from the hospital. I walked into the hotel lobby and said, "We are like Mary and Joseph. Is there any room at the inn?" The desk clerk just laughed and we got checked in.
So tomorrow, we are going to get our rental car and go to the place we had originally planned to stay after leaving the hospital. We have just decided not to get worked up over anything anymore because it isn't worth it. We have this precious baby and we are going to enjoy him no matter what!
As far as what's next, Nicole has an appointment to sign the legal paperwork tomorrow. We will legally have custody of him as soon as the state recognizes her relinquishment of parental rights, which should take less than 10 days. The interstate paper work will also get started tomorrow, which is how we can legally leave California. At this point, I'm not setting any goals or making any plans. If I have learned anything over the past couple days, it is that I am not in control here and I am just going with the flow. We will continue to pray for Nicole as we work through the legal process and try to make our way home. Please pray with us because another lesson we have learned is that the prayers of God's people are powerful and we are so blessed to have so many faithful people in our lives.
I know this was long but believe it or not, I have left a few things out. Thank you for keeping up with us and for praying with us. We are so exhausted but we are going to try to rest and enjoy each other as we wait for approval to come home.
No comments:
Post a Comment