What a difference a year can make........

I have been working on a post to chronicle our time in Florida and this is not it.  I was up with Jase last night feeding him and most of this ran through my mind like a midnight freight train and I am compelled to write and post about it……..

One year ago today, our lives were forever changed by a beautiful baby boy who gave us the gift of knowing what it is like to be parents.  Little did we know on that fateful day how tragic that situation would turn out to be.  As I look back on the days it took to get to California, I am reminded of the emotional roller coaster we faced and how we threw caution to the wind and dove in head first.  We knew there was potential for a negative outcome but we were so determined to become parents and have a family that the risks did not outweigh the benefits.  Once we laid eyes on that precious baby boy, we knew in our hearts that all of the trials and tribulations we had endured were worth it to get to him.  We cried as we held him and fell in love instantly.  For 5 days we experienced immeasurable joy and were given a taste of what life would be like as a family.

Then the worse happened….the thing you know is a possibility but even thinking about it is painful, talking about it takes your breath away.  Our hearts were not simply broken, they were shattered beyond repair.  We became shells of the people we had been, simply going through the motions of life during the day and crying at night.  There are bits and pieces of the weeks that followed that I remember, seeing the sadness on the faces of friends and loved ones who were concerned for us, hearing people quietly ask Jon, “How’s Jaime doing?” and wondering if I would ever recover, if my heart would ever be whole again.  The days, weeks and months that followed were so difficult at times I wondered if I could even get out of bed.  I forced myself to do a lot of things in an effort to merely exist.

Then the best happened…..we received the phone call that would give our hearts hope of a future.  We had been chosen again and we were going to walk down that path once more.  Our enthusiasm was guarded, just like our hearts but we both had this feeling that something was different this time.  Too afraid to claim the situation was “right”, we simply said we felt different and prayed fervently for this birth mom and this baby.

Now, here I sit in my living room filled with baby paraphernalia as my son sits in his swing (his Daddy calls it the coma machine!) writing this post about what has happened this past year.  Some people have been so bold as to say, “See, everything happens for a reason!” or “This was God’s plan for you.” and I continue to find that to be offensive.  I refuse to believe that the God that I serve would cause us such pain and heartache as we made our way to becoming a family.  I firmly believe in the verse in Jeremiah that states His plan is NOT to harm me but to give me hope and a future.  I accept and understand that our journey to becoming a family was neither traditional nor was it simple.  That is our story and I fully acknowledge it as such.  However, I do not believe that God sits upon His mighty throne, rubbing His hands together, eagerly waiting to crush His children in order for them to rise from the ashes and fully appreciate the blessings they have been given.  As I have said before, bad things happen to good people and sometimes those bad things are caused by other humans who choose not to follow what God has asked them to do.

I will always believe that Jensen was supposed to come home with us, that he was to be our son.  Instead, his birth mother chose to be selfish and not allow him the opportunity of having a loving home with two parents who could offer him more than he would ever need.  Someday, she will have to answer for her actions and the way she treated us.

The timeline of events that have occurred over the past 14 months has amazed me.  It could not have been coincidental that these happenings took place on these certain days.  I want to share it with you so you can understand why I feel so strongly about all of this.  Last May, on the 17^th, we received the phone call that we had been chosen to be Jensen’s parents.  Two months later, on July 17^th, he was taken from us.  Exactly ten months later, on May 17^th, Jase was born.  Many of you know that doctors consider a pregnancy to be 40 weeks, which is, that’s right, 10 months. 

I don’t think God’s plan for our lives was to have our hearts shattered in this way.  I do believe His plan was for us to be parents and when Jensen was taken away from us, by the actions of another person, a design was set in motion for our second chance, for Jase.  It took 10 long months of healing to bring us to him but here we are, finally a family.  Our dreams are being realized and words cannot express how genuinely blessed we feel.

Another event that occurred on this timeline of ours that I feel needs mentioning is my commitment during the month of February to focus on giving.  For my birthday month, I wanted to focus on giving to others through Acts of Kindness, instead of dwelling on the fact that I would be another year older and not have the one thing I wanted more than anything else.  I had so much fun thinking of all the things I could do!  I made a calendar so that I could do 35 Acts of Kindness since I was turning 35.  I had a few people ask me about it and they decided to go on their own “mission of kindness”.  If you recall, we received the phone call about Jase in February, also.  What I take from that is sometimes you have to focus on giving of yourself to others in order to get past some of the hurt you have experienced.  By shifting my attention to being kind to others, I was able to forget, even for just a little bit how much I was hurting.  I truly believe that I needed to be at that particular point in my healing process before I would be able to move on to another adoption opportunity.  If we had been presented with Jase before then, I may not have been able to commit.  My heart had healed just enough to be open to the prospect of another chance at my dream.

So, today on Jensen’s first birthday I am the epitome of mixed emotions.  My heart still aches for him but my arms are now full as I hold Jase.  I wonder so many things about him.  Is he healthy?  Is he walking yet?  Has he said his first word?  Will he ever know who we are, how much we love him or the joy he brought us?  As much as I miss him, I love Jase more and I realize if Jensen were here, Jase would not be.  It truly is a heart wrenching paradox.  I guess in a perfect world, I would be able to have them both in my arms and we would have a wonderfully crazy house! 

I will silently celebrate Jensen today and all that he gave us.  Brief as it was, we were his parents and that is something no one can take away from us.  And I will forever be grateful to the amazing woman named Leah from Florida who was brave enough to do what she felt God had chosen her to do.  She made our dreams come true and gave us a son, who is 8 weeks old today!

"All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them." --Walter E. Disney

 

Let me set the scene for you……an obviously nervous couple is sitting together on one side of a booth at the Lonestar Steakhouse on Merritt Island, Florida.  With each opening of the front door, they lean forward to see if this is “her”, the woman who has chosen to change their lives forever.  Soon, he says to her, as he grabs her leg, “Here she is.  I can see her walking in.”  This very pregnant young woman walks straight over to them, with arms wide open and says, “I’m so glad to finally meet you guys!” and embraces them both, just like they were old friends who hadn’t seen each other in a while.

We sat down together and immediately started talking like we had known each other our whole lives.  We visited for so long that the waiter came over twice to ask us what we wanted to order before we all were ready!  We sat there, like we were getting caught up with each other for over 3 hours!  There was no awkward silence, no weirdness, no uncomfortable moments of thinking “hmmmmm, what can we talk about now?”  Just 3 people sitting around, talking about our lives and sharing with one another that could only have been more comfortable if we were sitting in our living room instead of at a booth in a steakhouse. 

Leah is just perfect!  We could not have chosen a lovelier person to have been our birth mom.  She has a good head on her shoulders and has a plan for her life.  She is very responsible and considerate of others.   She is a kind, affectionate, funny, big hearted, sweet young lady who has found herself in an unfortunate situation.  We are just so glad that we took the time to go meet her.  I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders after we visited.  She said she felt so relieved to have been able to meet us before she was screaming in labor pain! 

Leah was able to set our hearts and minds at ease by sharing some details about her life and her plan for the delivery of this baby.  After her stepdad and sister passed away, her mother really struggled with depression, so Leah felt it was best for everyone if her mother would move in with her.  Living with Leah helped her mom deal with her grief by helping to care for Leah’s daughter, Sammi, who is 3.  Sammi doesn’t know about this baby.  Leah has chosen not to tell her about it because she doesn’t want to confuse Sammi.  Let’s face it, who remembers details from when you were 3???? 

She also shared with us that since her mother doesn’t drive, she will not be at the hospital.  We both tried really hard not to jump up and down and yell HOORAY at the revelation of this significant piece of information!!  We are just sure that Nicole’s mom was the main reason we did not get to bring Jensen home, so hearing that Leah’s mother will not even be at the hospital was great news for us!!  She will stay home and take care of Sammi, just like a regular day, so Sammi’s routine is not interrupted too much.

Leah said she REALLY wants us to be there for everything.  She even mentioned that she would like to not even go to the hospital until we get there.  I told her I didn’t think that was a good idea!  She doesn’t want any of her friends or family there and said she wants me to have the baby as soon as he is born so we can have skin to skin contact.  Then she looked right at Jon and said, “Now Daddy, you will get your time, too, but it will be all about her at first!”  I laughed so hard!!  She said she wants to be taken to another floor for her recovery and the rest of her hospital stay.  She said she does not want to hold the baby because she doesn’t want to confuse him.  She wants him to know I am his mommy from the moment he is born.  She said she doesn’t want to have any alone time with him because she knows this will be an emotional time and doesn’t want to make things harder to deal with.

We discussed names and she shared that she would like the name Daniel to be used as a second middle name.  She said she likes the name and had recently read the story of Daniel in the bible.   She said, “I just forgot what a great story it was.  God saved him twice!”  I think it’s cool that she wants him to have a name from her and we are both fine with that.  Now, we still plan on keeping the rest of his name to ourselves until the big reveal, so don’t bother asking because our lips are sealed!!

She asked if our family was excited about this baby.  I said, “Oh, my, yes they are!!!”  I told her about the quilts that my mom has made and all the “good luck today” messages we got from all of our friends and family Monday morning.  I told her that he will be so loved by so many because we aren’t the only ones who have waited for this baby.

We left the restaurant Monday afternoon feeling such peace about the situation.  We were exhausted and both took naps.  I slept so long, Jon woke me up.  Apparently, I slept for over 3 hours!!  Then we took a scenic drive and grabbed something to eat before watching the basketball game.  We both slept pretty well for not being at home and the next morning, Jon had to wake me again.  I haven’t been sleeping well for about a year now and I think it finally just caught up to me. 

While I was getting dressed, Jon went to get some coffee and breakfast.  Believe it or not, he sat next to a couple who were from Arnold, Missouri, and were celebrating their 32^nd wedding anniversary.  They visited for a while and Jon shared with them why we were in Florida.  The lady of the couple shared with Jon that she has multiple brain tumors and they were having a beach anniversary.  As he went to leave, she asked Jon if she could pray for him and he said, “Lord, yes!”  So, this complete stranger from Missouri prayed for him before we met with Leah the second time.  What a different course of events this opportunity has been for us!

Tuesday morning, I sent Leah a message that we were up and at ‘em and she said she had slept in but would love to meet us for lunch.  We did a little sight-seeing, went out to the beach, walked out into the ocean and shopped at Ron John’s Surf Shop for a bit.  We drove back out to Merritt Island and ate lunch with Leah outside, right on the water.  It was perfect!  So peaceful, warm and beautiful!!

Leah is so understanding of the delicacy of the situation.  We all fell in love with each other and she said, “I will be sad for you all to go home.  I wish we could be best friends but I know that is not possible.”  She is just so level headed and knows this is a life-long decision for all of us.  It’s not every day that you meet someone her age who is so aware of the consequences of their actions and how they impact others.  It is plain to see that she is very aware of the choices she makes and how they affect her entire family.

She mentioned on Monday when we were visiting that she didn’t like having her picture taken.  I asked her if we could take pictures on Tuesday before we went home and she agreed.  Jon and I took pictures with her and then we asked a gentleman sitting next to us if he would mind taking a picture of all 3 of us.  I showed him how to use the camera and as we were getting close for the photo, he said, “We’ll call this picture ‘3 Christian friends gathering at Applebee’s’.”  I was so amazed that a complete stranger would say that and felt so honored that he was able to see that in us.

As we went to leave, we all hugged several times.  I’ve been told that I am a good hugger and if I hug anything like Leah does, then what a treat you all have had!!  J  We left Florida feeling lighter and definitely ready for our return trip.

As we sat in the Orlando airport, I read this on my cousin’s blog yesterday as she shared her expecting news of a “paper pregnancy” as they proceed with their adoption and told her I was going to share it in mine.  I really don’t think it needs any further explanation.

“We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life.

 But those who make their journey home across time & miles,

 growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them,

 are carried on the wings of destiny and placed among us by God’s very own hands.”

 -Kristi Larson

Thank you for loving us and for continuing to be a part of this journey with us!

For every season.....

Many of you have asked, “What’s new on the baby front?” or “How’s everything going with the baby?” so I thought I would write a quick update to let you all know where we are and what’s next….

Monday, as in 2 days from now, we are going to fly down to Florida to meet Leah, our birth mom.  This was one of the few things she has requested of us, to meet before the baby is born.  I really felt strongly that we should do this for several reasons.  First, she asked us to.  I know that may sound ridiculous to most of you but put yourself in her shoes…..would you want to meet not only new people but the couple you have chosen as your adoptive parents while you are in labor?  I’m pretty sure that will not be her finest hour and I wouldn’t want to be making introductions at that time either.  Now put yourself in our shoes……this amazing woman has asked us to come meet her.  Why wouldn’t we want to do that at a more friendly, less anxious time than labor and delivery?  Who could say no to one of the few requests this woman has asked of us?

Secondly, and many of you have agreed with me on this, I think all of us meeting each other will make this situation more real for us all.  We won’t simply be faces on an adoption profile and she won’t be just a person on the other end of the phone.  To attach real, live, breathing, caring, loving people with the images we all have of each other will not only allow us to have a special bond for the last month of this pregnancy but will hopefully also solidify this adoption for all of us, especially Leah.

Another reason I feel so strongly about all of us meeting is that I truly feel that we did everything we possibly could have done in the previous situation.  We did exactly what we were told to do and there is nothing we could have done differently to have changed the outcome.  Going to Florida to meet Leah is something we can do that will possibly have a positive effect on the outcome.  We are determined to do everything within our power to have a family.  I know that sounds like an outrageous claim, but it is so completely true.  I have jokingly said if she wants me to stand on my head and sing the national anthem in my underwear, I’ll do it!  No questions asked!!  My point is I refuse to let there be any doubt that we did not do everything we possibly could to bring this baby home with us.  So, if that means we take a flying trip to Florida and back in less than 2 days, then so be it. 

When I say “flying trip”, I mean that, literally!  We are leaving Kansas City at 7:40 Monday morning and our return flight is scheduled for 4:30 Tuesday afternoon.  Thankfully, we are flying non-stop, which is good for JP.  Leah was so kind as to offer to pick us up from the airport!  I politely told her we would meet her after we got there.  I’m thinking I will be so nervous once we land that I will need a minute to get myself together before I meet the woman who has decided to change our lives forever!  The drive from Orlando to Cocoa is less than an hour, so we will have time to take a breath and figure out where we will meet, etc.  Leah has taken Monday and Tuesday off of work, so she can spend time getting to know us without trying to rush around.

I called our adoption advisor, Jan, the other day to ask a few questions about this “meet and greet”.  She ever so kindly reminded me that we will all be nervous.  I felt like she was talking about a bee, you know, she’s just as scared of you as you are of her!  And I’m sure that is correct.  I’m sure she is having some of the same worries that I am, like what if she doesn’t like me?  What if she thinks I’m too old?  What if she thinks I’m weird?  Even worse, what if she doesn’t think I’m funny????????  (That was a joke!!)

Jan gave us a few talking points to discuss with Leah and she said to be sure to let her know that we want her to be comfortable.  In my mind, I’m picturing me offering to give her a massage, a foot rub, play with her hair or cook her something yummy while JP looks at me like I’ve completely lost my mind!!  Thank goodness I won’t be alone and he will be there to keep me grounded!  He’s so good at that, it’s like we were meant to do this together!!

So, what happens after we meet?  I honestly have no idea what’s next, except the due date is a month away from Tuesday!!!!  I told my sister-in-law the other day, with everything going on in our lives right now, I’m just taking it one day at a time, literally.  This weekend, I’m working.  Monday and Tuesday we will spend with Leah in sunny Florida.  Wednesday, I’m going to take a breath find out what else the state of Florida is going to require of us.  Thursday and Friday I work and next Saturday we are going to celebrate the happy, happy birthday of our favorite Marshall D!!  Sure, there are things we need to be doing to get ready and trust me, I will make sure that is taken care of.  But one thing I’ve learned throughout this journey is that there is a time and a season for everything.  I believe this is our transition season.  We are moving out of our time to break down, weep and mourn and into our time to heal, laugh, dance embrace and love.   Just as we move into the wonders of spring, with new life, new growth and new beauty, I pray JP and I are moving into new opportunities and new love as we find our way to our family.  So, for now, we will just make it through this week!

A dear friend sent me an encouraging message today with a lovely note.  Part of the message said, “One day it will all come together and everything will make sense.  I will see God’s amazing plan taking me places I never dreamed of.”  Her note said that reading this message made her think of us, that we are on our way to the family God has planned for us and that it will be perfect!  We are so ready for our family and for our perfect! 

Continue to pray for us, especially Monday and Tuesday as we take the next step on this journey.  I know I have said this before but it bears repeating…..we are so blessed to have such an amazing support system of so many friends and family who love and care for us.  I wish I could take you all with me so Leah could see that for herself!!!

Season 2 Episode 1

 

Phone calls are amazingly powerful.  The information they provide can bring us endless joy or painful suffering.  We have all received a late night phone call that has literally taken our breath away just by the sound of the ring because we know that no one could possibly have good news when calling late at night.  There are the phone calls that tell us you need to come say good bye to a loved one or you need to come to the hospital because we are celebrating a new life.  Some phone calls are meant to let you know that someone has been given the dreadful diagnosis of cancer and other are to share the joy of being told we are cancer free!  The range of emotion on the other end of the line can literally be from one extreme to the other.  We are all truly just one phone call away from our lives changing forever.

A couple weeks ago we received one of those life changing calls.   As I was standing in the driveway letting the dog out, my phone rang showing “unknown”.  Usually, that means work is calling so I casually answered, while asking JP if he could see the dog in the dark and said hello.  Jan from Adoption Network was on the other line to tell me that we had been chosen by another birth mom.  With an unusual calmness, I said, “Hey Jon, it’s Adoption Network, we’ve been picked again.”  I went inside and put her on speaker phone and feverishly took 4 pages of notes about this new opportunity.

Here’s what we know…..her name is Leah, she’s 26 and lives in Cocoa Beach, Florida.  She is pregnant with a baby boy who is due May 9.  She has a 3 year old daughter, has her own place, is the manager of a convenience/grocery store, has a car, a cell phone and is for all intents and purposes just like you and I.  Her mother is living with her right now because her step dad recently died of a heart attack.  We have spoken to her on the phone and she seems so “normal” which is funny because she chose us because she thought we looked normal to her!  She said she felt like we were regular people with real jobs and a normal life and she really liked that about us.

She knows about what happened last summer and what we have been through.  When Jan told her about what happened, she said, “That wasn’t their baby.  I didn’t get pregnant until August and this is their baby.”  When we spoke to her on the phone, she said that from the time she found out she was pregnant she felt like God was leading her to adoption and she prayed that God would lead her to the right couple.  She has said more than once that God has given her this opportunity to grow a baby for us.  In our texting today, she said, “I’m telling you, this is meant to be.”

The entire situation feels so different for us.  I’m not so naive as to think that the difference I feel means this is “the right one” but I am finding comfort in the fact that it doesn’t feel the same.  She seems so much more mature and at the risk of sounding ugly, she’s got her stuff together.  She not only has a job but is the manager, which means she understands that if someone else doesn’t do what is supposed to be done, then you have to step up and take care of things.  When we talked with her on the phone she said she felt like God put us on this earth to work and not be lazy.  That just blew me away because JP and I had been talking about people who live off the system just before visiting with her.

Another aspect that is different for us is that we weren’t shouting from the roof tops the moment we got the phone call.  We told no one until the next morning.  We just talked about the entire situation, pros and cons and how we felt.  We prayed a lot.  We waited until exactly 24 hours to commit to the situation, which is the time we are allowed.  I have waited until today to write this to share with everyone publicly, not because we are doubtful but because we are guarding our hearts. When  you have been shattered in a million pieces and you are finally starting to feel like yourself again, the thought of that happening twice is sickening.

I have woken up every morning between 3-4am in a total panic since the night we said yes.  As soon as I wake, gasping for air, I think, “Can we really do this again?  What if it doesn’t go the way we want? “  I almost feel guilty asking people to pray with us again about this, like we have used up all our prayer requests on all the other times we have tried to have a baby.  And a small part of me is scared to be happy…….what will happen next is a thought that continuously runs through my mind.  I’ll be honest, I’ve already nearly had 2 nervous breakdowns over this and we are more than 8 weeks away from the due date!

When I start spiraling down that dark hole, I just remember that I am the luckiest woman alive to have the most wonderful support system.  Our family and friends have done so much for us throughout this entire journey and I know you will all be here to welcome all 3 of us home!  So here’s to new beginnings, fresh starts and season 2 of JP’s Journey to bringing Baby Pittman home!

Rantings of a mad woman….

Many of you know how perturbed I get when I hear those overused clichés like “God only gives you what you can handle” or “You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it”.  Hollow words used when nothing more meaningful can be brought to mind often leave the receiver of such “encouragement” thinking one of two things…..If I were weak, would my life be easier?  Am I being punished because I am strong?  Oh, the downhill spiral those thoughts create. 

Let me be clear before I go any further.  I believe in God.  I believe He sent His son Jesus to this earth to live a perfect life and die on the cross as payment for the redemption of our sins.  I believe He was buried and raised from the dead 3 days later and has prepared a home in heaven for those who believe in Him.  I also believe that God truly desires for His children to prosper and have hope.  (Jeremiah 29:11 says just that.)  However, I do not believe that God causes tragic, painful, life-altering disasters to be set in our path with the intent of proving to the rest of the world how strong we are.  That seems so vindictive, spiteful.  What purpose would that serve for God to bring death, loss, heartache and misery to the very children He has promised hope and prosperity?  That sounds more like an evil tyrant in some fictional novel, ruling with an iron fist to force his subjects into a life of dependent submission.

Instead of God giving us what we can handle, I believe he helps us handle what we have been given.  If you have never experienced a tragedy, you may not be aware that there are people who have been put on this earth just to provide you with comfort and joy at the very time when you need it most.  If you have never been blessed by one of those people, you may not fully understand what I mean when I say that they were allowed to cross your path at just the right moment, when you were in need.  One of the things I have come to realize in the past 7 months is that no matter how long those people are in your life, the significance they bring is immeasurable.  For example, there is a lady in California who I will forever refer to as our guardian angel.  She was in our life for a brief moment but her influence and compassion will never be forgotten.  Another lady, whom I feel literally saved my life, lives right here in my home town and she provided me with the tools I needed to find my “new normal”.  I truly believe God put those ladies in our lives to help us handle what had been given to us.  I could tell you about so many people and exactly what they have done for us but I don’t feel like they did those things for public recognition.  I think they saw an opportunity to help someone they care about deal with a horrible situation and were grateful to do so, despite how ugly it may have been.  God helps us handle the things we are given by allowing people to be in our lives who are willing to be kind and gracious to someone in need.

I have come to understand that life is filled with adversity, for some more than others.  God so beautifully created us with a free will, an ability to make our own decisions.  I have read that when we are faced with a negative circumstance we can either let it define us or learn from it and grow.  I don’t want to be defined by what has happened to me.  Instead, I choose to be defined by the person I am, the choices I make, how I treat others and hopefully, by the legacy I will leave.  One of the little known mysteries about facing a storm in life is that when you are in the middle of it, in the throes of the gale force winds trying desperately to break your spirit, begging to take your soul, all you can think of is how did this happen and will I make it out alive?  While in the eye of the storm, you have no time to contemplate on what lesson can be gained because all you can do is survive, remember to keep breathing, try to stay alive and pray that you make it to the next moment.  After the storm has passed and you are finally able to breath, you look at the tattered reflection of the person whom you resemble and wonder often how you managed to come out alive.  Sure, there will always be moments when the memory of what happened sneaks up on you and rips your breath away with no warning but you realize that you are alive and you will go on with the understanding that you will NEVER be the same again.  Then one day you understand that there can be something learned from your storm, even if the lesson is just for you.  Did God cause my storm?  No, He so faithfully gave me the strength I needed to survive it by sending wonderful people my way.

So, as you can see, this post is titled “Ramblings of a Mad Woman” for a good reason…..I have wanted to share this for quite some time but just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I have written it all in my head several times in the shower or just before I fell asleep, only to sit down at the computer and have nothing.  Tonight when I grabbed my laptop to browse the highly addictive Pinterest, I thought, tonight is the night, I shall write!  Hopefully, someone will read this and it will be at just the right moment needed to provide some encouragement.

By the time I get this posted, it will be February, my birthday month!  I have decided to try to focus on giving instead of falling into the pit of depression that comes with having another birthday and realizing I don’t have my own family.  I am going to practice an Intentional Act of Kindness for every day in the month of February, with 2 Acts of Kindness during my birthday week.  I really don’t think it is a coincidence that this will equal 35 Acts of Kindness for my 35^th birthday!  I’m looking forward to blessing others as I am reminded that there have people sent my way who have blessed me.  Oh and I’m still accepting presents, that part has not changed at all!!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Thanks for continuing to be a part of this journey with me…………

A Time to Be Thankful…..

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, the day when we Americans cook ridiculous amounts of food to be consumed like gluttons as we contemplate those things in our lives that we are most grateful for.  Many people spend November sharing something they are thankful for with others for each day of the month.  As I filled the dishwasher today, I was thinking, “I should post something witty and heartwarming tomorrow to share with everyone.”  So, my creative juices started flowing and I realized I couldn’t possibly post a list that long as a Facebook status.  I decided I should just write a blog post because what I need to share shouldn’t be limited to a single status.

First and foremost, I am thankful for God’s grace and availability.  Sounds silly but if you have ever been so broken that you need to talk to someone at 4am, there is peace in knowing God is always there.  Never judging, always listening.  There have been countless moments in the past 4 months when the only thread that has held me together has been the fact that I can say a prayer at any given time, asking God to help me get through the next seconds without losing my mind or falling apart.  I learned a long time ago that praying for others helps to calm me down.  Many of you have no idea how much you have been prayed for by me in the past few months!!! 

Secondly, words could never express how thankful I am for my husband.  He has literally seen me at my worst and he is still here.  Sometime after we got home from California, I was talking with a friend about what had happened.  She said she was at work when she got the message that we were going to have to give Jensen back.  After reading it, she said to those she was with, “I hope Jon scoops her up and holds her tight because she needs him so much right now.”  I was sure to tell her that he did exactly that.  This poor man carried me up 2 flights of stairs that horrible day and never complained about it!  He physically picked me up and carried me.  We all know what the standard marriage vows say and I can tell you that he has more than honored them.  He has cherished me during the absolute most terrible days of my life and I thank God every day that we have each other.  It’s unfortunate that not everyone has been blessed with the kind of relationship that we have but I am thankful that we have been blessed to have each other. 

The rest of my thankfuls are not necessarily in any particular order.  I am so thankful for the unconditional love and support of my parents who have done as much as humanly possible for us this year.  Until this past July, I never knew what my mother meant when she would say, “When it comes to my kids……”  Now I know what she was talking about.  My dad has always said, “You can say what you want about me, but don’t talk about my wife or my girls.”  Now I know what he was talking about.  There have been several times this year that each of them have told me they wish they could make all of this better.  I’m so thankful for parents who love me like they do.  Not everyone is so blessed with parents like mine and I’m extremely thankful for them both.

Our families and friends have been a phenomenal support system to us.  We are so thankful for the encouraging texts, emails, Facebook messages and phone calls that you have all sent us this year.  You have no idea how much it means to know that all the people we love are concerned for us, praying for our greatest heart’s desire right along with us.  We can only hope to repay the kindness and support that has been shown to us to all of you whom we love.  We pray for you all and are so thankful to have you in our lives.  You have no idea how much we need you.

I’m thankful to live in a small town.  Not to sound to cliché but the county fair was going on while we were in California and I have been told by several of our friends that people in our community were asking on a daily basis how things were going for us.  I received a text message from a good friend while we were gone that simply said, “This whole town is praying for you guys, hoping you all 3 get to come home.”  What a blessing to know that our home town is rooting for us!  I love my town and am thankful for close knit community that we are blessed to be a part of.

I am thankful for our work families.  JP has worked at his job for almost 13 years and I have been at mine for over 6.  You can’t spend that much time with people and not build relationships that are lifelong.  Our work families have been amazing to us this year by offering kind words and being supportive in ways they probably will never know.  The girls I work with have stepped up and helped me get through so many days by just holding my hand or helping me deal with situations they probably never dreamed they would have to be in.  Our coworkers have helped us get through some pretty rough days and we are so thankful for that.

I am thankful for the things we have that make our life routine.  Our dogs, our cows, our home, our farm, our vehicles, our jobs and our favorite brown recliners…….when your life gets turned upside down, having the things that make your life seem “normal” can sometimes be the only way you get through a day.  Try being 2,000 miles away from home, heartbroken and empty, with no one but each other.  Watching your garage door come open at 3am and seeing your car sitting there, knowing your recliner waits inside for you brings a level of comfort that you may never understand.  Standing at the gate while you water cows and count calves brings a comfort and peace to my soul like nothing else.  The mundane things that we call our own can help calm the demons that rage in your mind, bringing you back from the edge of insanity.  And everyone knows that our dogs are pretty awesome!  I wish I could be the person Belle and Sadie think I am.  I am so thankful for the little things in my life that are so extremely important to us.

As you sit around the table tomorrow with your family, eating those delicious dishes prepared by yourself and loved ones, take a quick second to just stop, breath and remember that it’s the little things in life that will bring you peace and joy.  Make memories today, cherish your loved ones, eat a second piece of pie and say another prayer for the JP’s.  We are spending Thanksgiving at home and our baby is in California.  Yes, we are thankful for all of these things mentioned but we are still missing a piece of our hearts on this holiday.  I will leave you with this verse that has been on my mind this week as I contemplate our circumstances.

Hebrews 11:1  “Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.”

Pick me!!! Pick me!!!!

 

Remember when you were in elementary school and everyone at recess decided to play kickball?  Captains were chosen, kids lined up anxiously waiting to be “picked” so they could show off their amazing third grade skills for all of their friends.  Fortunately, I was usually picked pretty quickly since I was fast back then.  I know, hard to believe that I was a fast runner but I have been this tall since I was 9, so that made me like the fastest girl in third grade!  Even though I knew I would be picked soon, there was still a lot of anxiety as I stood there, out in front of all the other 9 year olds, being judged, looked over head to toe and praying to God that I wouldn’t be picked last.  That’s what this time period feels like to me…..waiting to be picked while I’m standing out in front of everyone, vulnerable and exposed.

Carol from Adoption Network called today to give us an update on our status.  Every time my phone rings and it shows up “UNKNOWN” I almost come clean out of my skin!  As my trembling hands hold my phone and swipe to answer the call, my mind races.  Is this it?  Are they calling to say we have been picked again?  Is this the call that will help heal our broken hearts?  What if the worst happens to us again?  Can we handle this?  If you know me, you know that all of those questions and more can actually run through my head in the quick 2 seconds it takes to realize who is calling and physically answer the phone with a very shaky, almost nauseous sounding, “heeellooo??”  My body almost goes into shock in those few seconds with an erratic heart rate, increased respiratory rate, visibly shaking limbs and near paralysis.  I wish there was nothing in this world that had that much power of my physical and emotional being!  I guess I should just chalk it up to being a parent and the vast realm of emotions and feelings that comes along with that package.

So, Carol said that we had 143 hits on our Adoption Network for October and over 60 for November.  Remember, we were the “featured family” for the month of October, which essentially means we were the first couple to be seen when you went to the website.  Our profile was mailed directly to 1 birthmother last month and has already been mailed to another this month.  This time last year I would have been ecstatic over this information, thrilled, overjoyed, hopeful, filled with anticipation, to say the least.  Now, after what we have been through, I’m like, “meehhh…”  I mean, how can I really get excited about that many people looking into some of the most intimate details of my personal life and choosing not to pick me?  Am I seriously supposed to be happy about that?

It is utterly disheartening to realize that the unknown caller is not calling to tell you that you have been picked but rather they are calling to tell you that a significant number of people looked at you and decided you weren’t good enough.  Like being the kid who was picked last every time, only worse.  This isn’t kickball, this is my life, my dream, my family.  The level of disappointment that this brings is indescribable.  The closest comparison I can make would be if you were excited about your birthday, anxiously awaiting presents and affirmation only to find that no one even recognizes your special day or wants to celebrate with you.  That really doesn’t do justice to how I feel but it’s the best explanation I can think of to share.

I’ve not written anything in a while because I just don’t have anything to say.  If you have been following our journey, you have a small picture of how broken we have been.  It’s hard to write something to share with everyone who has supported us, when I don’t really have anything to say beyond sharing the details of our heartache, which I just can’t do. .  I have shared with my besties that I’m not just tired of being sad, I’m tired of having a reason to be sad.  I have good days and not so good days, just like with any life changing tragedy.  My support system has literally been lifesaving and I thank God every day for all of you!

I am slowly learning to accept what my counselor has called my “new normal”.  It’s ok to accept that things are not what you expected.  It’s scary, unsettling and disappointing but it’s ok.  No one can go through what we have been through on this journey and not be changed in some way.  One of the things I recently noticed that has changed for me is that I have started to pray for our birthmother again.  Before we had been chosen by Nicole, I prayed every night for the woman who would choose us to be the parents of our child.  I would pray that God would give her strength and courage to make the right decision.  I had not been able to pray that until a couple weeks ago.  Let me just say that is HUGE progress for me, mentally and emotionally.

So, for now, I will accept that not being picked today is part of our story.  I will continue to trust and pray that we will be picked soon for our forever baby.  And I will continue to thank God for all of you who love us and pray for us as we make our way to becoming a family.