Rantings of a mad woman….

Many of you know how perturbed I get when I hear those overused clichés like “God only gives you what you can handle” or “You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it”.  Hollow words used when nothing more meaningful can be brought to mind often leave the receiver of such “encouragement” thinking one of two things…..If I were weak, would my life be easier?  Am I being punished because I am strong?  Oh, the downhill spiral those thoughts create. 

Let me be clear before I go any further.  I believe in God.  I believe He sent His son Jesus to this earth to live a perfect life and die on the cross as payment for the redemption of our sins.  I believe He was buried and raised from the dead 3 days later and has prepared a home in heaven for those who believe in Him.  I also believe that God truly desires for His children to prosper and have hope.  (Jeremiah 29:11 says just that.)  However, I do not believe that God causes tragic, painful, life-altering disasters to be set in our path with the intent of proving to the rest of the world how strong we are.  That seems so vindictive, spiteful.  What purpose would that serve for God to bring death, loss, heartache and misery to the very children He has promised hope and prosperity?  That sounds more like an evil tyrant in some fictional novel, ruling with an iron fist to force his subjects into a life of dependent submission.

Instead of God giving us what we can handle, I believe he helps us handle what we have been given.  If you have never experienced a tragedy, you may not be aware that there are people who have been put on this earth just to provide you with comfort and joy at the very time when you need it most.  If you have never been blessed by one of those people, you may not fully understand what I mean when I say that they were allowed to cross your path at just the right moment, when you were in need.  One of the things I have come to realize in the past 7 months is that no matter how long those people are in your life, the significance they bring is immeasurable.  For example, there is a lady in California who I will forever refer to as our guardian angel.  She was in our life for a brief moment but her influence and compassion will never be forgotten.  Another lady, whom I feel literally saved my life, lives right here in my home town and she provided me with the tools I needed to find my “new normal”.  I truly believe God put those ladies in our lives to help us handle what had been given to us.  I could tell you about so many people and exactly what they have done for us but I don’t feel like they did those things for public recognition.  I think they saw an opportunity to help someone they care about deal with a horrible situation and were grateful to do so, despite how ugly it may have been.  God helps us handle the things we are given by allowing people to be in our lives who are willing to be kind and gracious to someone in need.

I have come to understand that life is filled with adversity, for some more than others.  God so beautifully created us with a free will, an ability to make our own decisions.  I have read that when we are faced with a negative circumstance we can either let it define us or learn from it and grow.  I don’t want to be defined by what has happened to me.  Instead, I choose to be defined by the person I am, the choices I make, how I treat others and hopefully, by the legacy I will leave.  One of the little known mysteries about facing a storm in life is that when you are in the middle of it, in the throes of the gale force winds trying desperately to break your spirit, begging to take your soul, all you can think of is how did this happen and will I make it out alive?  While in the eye of the storm, you have no time to contemplate on what lesson can be gained because all you can do is survive, remember to keep breathing, try to stay alive and pray that you make it to the next moment.  After the storm has passed and you are finally able to breath, you look at the tattered reflection of the person whom you resemble and wonder often how you managed to come out alive.  Sure, there will always be moments when the memory of what happened sneaks up on you and rips your breath away with no warning but you realize that you are alive and you will go on with the understanding that you will NEVER be the same again.  Then one day you understand that there can be something learned from your storm, even if the lesson is just for you.  Did God cause my storm?  No, He so faithfully gave me the strength I needed to survive it by sending wonderful people my way.

So, as you can see, this post is titled “Ramblings of a Mad Woman” for a good reason…..I have wanted to share this for quite some time but just couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I have written it all in my head several times in the shower or just before I fell asleep, only to sit down at the computer and have nothing.  Tonight when I grabbed my laptop to browse the highly addictive Pinterest, I thought, tonight is the night, I shall write!  Hopefully, someone will read this and it will be at just the right moment needed to provide some encouragement.

By the time I get this posted, it will be February, my birthday month!  I have decided to try to focus on giving instead of falling into the pit of depression that comes with having another birthday and realizing I don’t have my own family.  I am going to practice an Intentional Act of Kindness for every day in the month of February, with 2 Acts of Kindness during my birthday week.  I really don’t think it is a coincidence that this will equal 35 Acts of Kindness for my 35^th birthday!  I’m looking forward to blessing others as I am reminded that there have people sent my way who have blessed me.  Oh and I’m still accepting presents, that part has not changed at all!!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Thanks for continuing to be a part of this journey with me…………

A Time to Be Thankful…..

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, the day when we Americans cook ridiculous amounts of food to be consumed like gluttons as we contemplate those things in our lives that we are most grateful for.  Many people spend November sharing something they are thankful for with others for each day of the month.  As I filled the dishwasher today, I was thinking, “I should post something witty and heartwarming tomorrow to share with everyone.”  So, my creative juices started flowing and I realized I couldn’t possibly post a list that long as a Facebook status.  I decided I should just write a blog post because what I need to share shouldn’t be limited to a single status.

First and foremost, I am thankful for God’s grace and availability.  Sounds silly but if you have ever been so broken that you need to talk to someone at 4am, there is peace in knowing God is always there.  Never judging, always listening.  There have been countless moments in the past 4 months when the only thread that has held me together has been the fact that I can say a prayer at any given time, asking God to help me get through the next seconds without losing my mind or falling apart.  I learned a long time ago that praying for others helps to calm me down.  Many of you have no idea how much you have been prayed for by me in the past few months!!! 

Secondly, words could never express how thankful I am for my husband.  He has literally seen me at my worst and he is still here.  Sometime after we got home from California, I was talking with a friend about what had happened.  She said she was at work when she got the message that we were going to have to give Jensen back.  After reading it, she said to those she was with, “I hope Jon scoops her up and holds her tight because she needs him so much right now.”  I was sure to tell her that he did exactly that.  This poor man carried me up 2 flights of stairs that horrible day and never complained about it!  He physically picked me up and carried me.  We all know what the standard marriage vows say and I can tell you that he has more than honored them.  He has cherished me during the absolute most terrible days of my life and I thank God every day that we have each other.  It’s unfortunate that not everyone has been blessed with the kind of relationship that we have but I am thankful that we have been blessed to have each other. 

The rest of my thankfuls are not necessarily in any particular order.  I am so thankful for the unconditional love and support of my parents who have done as much as humanly possible for us this year.  Until this past July, I never knew what my mother meant when she would say, “When it comes to my kids……”  Now I know what she was talking about.  My dad has always said, “You can say what you want about me, but don’t talk about my wife or my girls.”  Now I know what he was talking about.  There have been several times this year that each of them have told me they wish they could make all of this better.  I’m so thankful for parents who love me like they do.  Not everyone is so blessed with parents like mine and I’m extremely thankful for them both.

Our families and friends have been a phenomenal support system to us.  We are so thankful for the encouraging texts, emails, Facebook messages and phone calls that you have all sent us this year.  You have no idea how much it means to know that all the people we love are concerned for us, praying for our greatest heart’s desire right along with us.  We can only hope to repay the kindness and support that has been shown to us to all of you whom we love.  We pray for you all and are so thankful to have you in our lives.  You have no idea how much we need you.

I’m thankful to live in a small town.  Not to sound to cliché but the county fair was going on while we were in California and I have been told by several of our friends that people in our community were asking on a daily basis how things were going for us.  I received a text message from a good friend while we were gone that simply said, “This whole town is praying for you guys, hoping you all 3 get to come home.”  What a blessing to know that our home town is rooting for us!  I love my town and am thankful for close knit community that we are blessed to be a part of.

I am thankful for our work families.  JP has worked at his job for almost 13 years and I have been at mine for over 6.  You can’t spend that much time with people and not build relationships that are lifelong.  Our work families have been amazing to us this year by offering kind words and being supportive in ways they probably will never know.  The girls I work with have stepped up and helped me get through so many days by just holding my hand or helping me deal with situations they probably never dreamed they would have to be in.  Our coworkers have helped us get through some pretty rough days and we are so thankful for that.

I am thankful for the things we have that make our life routine.  Our dogs, our cows, our home, our farm, our vehicles, our jobs and our favorite brown recliners…….when your life gets turned upside down, having the things that make your life seem “normal” can sometimes be the only way you get through a day.  Try being 2,000 miles away from home, heartbroken and empty, with no one but each other.  Watching your garage door come open at 3am and seeing your car sitting there, knowing your recliner waits inside for you brings a level of comfort that you may never understand.  Standing at the gate while you water cows and count calves brings a comfort and peace to my soul like nothing else.  The mundane things that we call our own can help calm the demons that rage in your mind, bringing you back from the edge of insanity.  And everyone knows that our dogs are pretty awesome!  I wish I could be the person Belle and Sadie think I am.  I am so thankful for the little things in my life that are so extremely important to us.

As you sit around the table tomorrow with your family, eating those delicious dishes prepared by yourself and loved ones, take a quick second to just stop, breath and remember that it’s the little things in life that will bring you peace and joy.  Make memories today, cherish your loved ones, eat a second piece of pie and say another prayer for the JP’s.  We are spending Thanksgiving at home and our baby is in California.  Yes, we are thankful for all of these things mentioned but we are still missing a piece of our hearts on this holiday.  I will leave you with this verse that has been on my mind this week as I contemplate our circumstances.

Hebrews 11:1  “Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.”

Pick me!!! Pick me!!!!

 

Remember when you were in elementary school and everyone at recess decided to play kickball?  Captains were chosen, kids lined up anxiously waiting to be “picked” so they could show off their amazing third grade skills for all of their friends.  Fortunately, I was usually picked pretty quickly since I was fast back then.  I know, hard to believe that I was a fast runner but I have been this tall since I was 9, so that made me like the fastest girl in third grade!  Even though I knew I would be picked soon, there was still a lot of anxiety as I stood there, out in front of all the other 9 year olds, being judged, looked over head to toe and praying to God that I wouldn’t be picked last.  That’s what this time period feels like to me…..waiting to be picked while I’m standing out in front of everyone, vulnerable and exposed.

Carol from Adoption Network called today to give us an update on our status.  Every time my phone rings and it shows up “UNKNOWN” I almost come clean out of my skin!  As my trembling hands hold my phone and swipe to answer the call, my mind races.  Is this it?  Are they calling to say we have been picked again?  Is this the call that will help heal our broken hearts?  What if the worst happens to us again?  Can we handle this?  If you know me, you know that all of those questions and more can actually run through my head in the quick 2 seconds it takes to realize who is calling and physically answer the phone with a very shaky, almost nauseous sounding, “heeellooo??”  My body almost goes into shock in those few seconds with an erratic heart rate, increased respiratory rate, visibly shaking limbs and near paralysis.  I wish there was nothing in this world that had that much power of my physical and emotional being!  I guess I should just chalk it up to being a parent and the vast realm of emotions and feelings that comes along with that package.

So, Carol said that we had 143 hits on our Adoption Network for October and over 60 for November.  Remember, we were the “featured family” for the month of October, which essentially means we were the first couple to be seen when you went to the website.  Our profile was mailed directly to 1 birthmother last month and has already been mailed to another this month.  This time last year I would have been ecstatic over this information, thrilled, overjoyed, hopeful, filled with anticipation, to say the least.  Now, after what we have been through, I’m like, “meehhh…”  I mean, how can I really get excited about that many people looking into some of the most intimate details of my personal life and choosing not to pick me?  Am I seriously supposed to be happy about that?

It is utterly disheartening to realize that the unknown caller is not calling to tell you that you have been picked but rather they are calling to tell you that a significant number of people looked at you and decided you weren’t good enough.  Like being the kid who was picked last every time, only worse.  This isn’t kickball, this is my life, my dream, my family.  The level of disappointment that this brings is indescribable.  The closest comparison I can make would be if you were excited about your birthday, anxiously awaiting presents and affirmation only to find that no one even recognizes your special day or wants to celebrate with you.  That really doesn’t do justice to how I feel but it’s the best explanation I can think of to share.

I’ve not written anything in a while because I just don’t have anything to say.  If you have been following our journey, you have a small picture of how broken we have been.  It’s hard to write something to share with everyone who has supported us, when I don’t really have anything to say beyond sharing the details of our heartache, which I just can’t do. .  I have shared with my besties that I’m not just tired of being sad, I’m tired of having a reason to be sad.  I have good days and not so good days, just like with any life changing tragedy.  My support system has literally been lifesaving and I thank God every day for all of you!

I am slowly learning to accept what my counselor has called my “new normal”.  It’s ok to accept that things are not what you expected.  It’s scary, unsettling and disappointing but it’s ok.  No one can go through what we have been through on this journey and not be changed in some way.  One of the things I recently noticed that has changed for me is that I have started to pray for our birthmother again.  Before we had been chosen by Nicole, I prayed every night for the woman who would choose us to be the parents of our child.  I would pray that God would give her strength and courage to make the right decision.  I had not been able to pray that until a couple weeks ago.  Let me just say that is HUGE progress for me, mentally and emotionally.

So, for now, I will accept that not being picked today is part of our story.  I will continue to trust and pray that we will be picked soon for our forever baby.  And I will continue to thank God for all of you who love us and pray for us as we make our way to becoming a family.

Life really does go on......

I’ve heard people say this before, that life goes on but I never knew how real it was.  If you have experienced a significant loss, like the death of a parent, sibling, child, spouse, grandparent or close friend, you know how absolutely devastating it is when you realize just that, life goes on.  You still have to pay your bills, which means you have to go to work.  You still have to buy groceries, which means you have to see people.  While you are out, learning to live what is your “new normal”, you shockingly find that everyone else is living their lives with what seems like no regard for your agony.  It’s such a difficult thing to work through.  You understand that others are not being hurtful but in your heart it does hurt to see people who can somehow be happy with everyday life while you feel like your whole world has been shattered.

We have said that we feel like what we have experienced is worse than a death.  I don’t mean to belittle anyone’s devastation of losing a child, so let me explain.  When a child passes away, or anyone you love, for that matter, they are gone forever.  As horrible as that sounds, there is a finality that death brings with the promise of seeing your loved one again in heaven.  In our situation with Jensen, he’s not dead.   He’s very much alive, just with someone else.  It would be better compared to a kidnapping.  We know he’s out there somewhere but we have no way of knowing whether or not he’s hungry, crying, cold, anxious or lonely.  For me to say that worrying about all of that breaks me over and over again each time I think of it is a huge understatement.  I can’t even begin to accurately describe what it’s like to worry about someone who you know you will probably never see again.  He’s 2,000 miles away from us and will probably never even know who we are, how he changed our lives or how much we love him.

Tomorrow, Jensen will be 9 weeks old.  Yesterday marks 8 weeks since he was taken from us.  As I thought about how much time has passed since I was able to hold him in my arms, I remembered the words to a Reba McIntire song.  “If I had only known it was my last night by your side, I’d pray a miracle to stop the dawn.  And when you’d smile at me, I would look into your eyes and make sure you know my love for you goes on and on.  If I had only known, the love I would have shown, if I had only known.”  Those words ring so true for me.  I can remember Jon talking on the phone that awful Tuesday morning to his sister in law, Rhonda and him telling her that I wouldn’t put Jensen down.  That was absolutely the truth.  As we waited for the news that would devastate us, I could not do anything but hold that sweet baby and look at his precious face.  The only time I wasn’t holding him, his Daddy was.  I wouldn’t have done it any different.  I just wish I could have had more time.  I know that sounds bizarre since I know how it ended but I would give anything to have just one more second with him.  Just because the ending wasn’t what we planned, doesn’t mean I would trade a single second that we had with Jensen.  Garth Brooks sang it well when he said, “Our lives are better left to chance.  I could have missed the pain but I’d have had to miss the dance.”  I was lucky enough to have experienced the amazing joy of what it feels like to be a mommy, even if for only 5 days.  I would do it all over again, even knowing how it would make me feel, just to touch his soft skin, see his dark eyes and smell his unforgettable scent.

Now, without Jensen, we are learning to live our “new normal”.  That may be hard for you to understand.  You might be thinking, “Living without a baby isn’t different for them, is it?”  Our “new normal” is learning to live our lives exactly the opposite of how we expected them to be right now.  I shouldn’t be back to work yet.  We should have car seat bases in our vehicles.  I shouldn’t have time to write a blog.  Jon should be telling his work buddies a funny story about his cute baby.  We should have a baby room full of presents for a baby who is loved by so many.  I should be posting pictures on Facebook, like every other new mommy.  And we should be waking up at night to feed a baby, not from nightmares.

Life goes on and there really isn’t a damn thing we can do about it but go on with it, hoping we can somehow learn something valuable from our loss rather than be swallowed up by our all consuming grief.

Sometimes, there is no reason.....

 I have been thinking a lot lately and have spent some time trying to gather these thoughts so I can share them.  This post is just that, my thoughts, take them for what they are worth…….

As JP and I have made our way together down this journey to have a family, I have come to conclude some things about life and its unexpected twists and turns.  One thing I have come to know for sure is that sometimes bad things happen to good people, period.  We, as humans, try to justify and rationalize every little thing that comes our way, from finances to career moves, losing loved ones or in our case, trying to have a family.  I am a thinker, in fact, I am an “over thinker”.  I go over and over conversations, situations and motives in my mind to the point of exhaustion.  I even over analyze potential circumstances so that I am prepared, “just in case”.   I have tried to figure out why something is or has happened so much that I don’t sleep.  As humans, our attempt to analyze the “why” of a situation is our feeble need to be assured that we are not being punished for something we have done in our past.  We have been taught from an early age that if you are good, you are rewarded and if you are bad, you are punished.  The extension of that thinking is that we all believe that when something bad does happen to us, it must be a direct result of something we did and are being punished.  This is simply not true!

I read a great book this summer that put this entire line of thinking into perspective for me.  The god that I believe in does not sit arbitrarily on a majestic throne with a sparkling scepter waiting to decide who to bless and who to punish.  There are plenty of people who are considerably more faithful than I who have experienced life changing devastation as a result of unanswered prayers.  To that end, there are also people in this world who I believe are far more wicked than myself and they have experienced the joy of an answered prayer, only to go on living their lives as before.  Your level of righteousness is not in direct proportion to whether or not God chooses to answers your prayers.  The fact of the matter is that in most situations, there are others involved who choose not to do what they should and that affects our lives negatively.  For instance, the young mother killed by a drunk driver was not being punished, neither was her family.  Instead, someone made a choice to drink and drive and as a result, an entire family had to suffer the consequences.  Our lives are affected so greatly by the choices of others, both in a positive and negative manner.  God specifically created us with the ability to make our own choices, good and bad.

We have moral freedom.  We can choose to be kind or selfish, caring or hurtful, honest or dishonest.  If we choose to behave in a way that we know is morally wrong, God is not going to stop us.  God created us with our own free will, to do with our lives as we please.  When we are living our lives seeking after God’s own heart, we strive to make the good choices, being kind, caring and honest with others.  God will not stop you from hurting others or making choices that hurt yourself.  He has told us that certain things are wrong and we will suffer consequences from making such decisions.  We can either take His word for it or learn the lesson afterward.

I’m not here to say that God does not perform miracles, because I can think of 4 people right off the top of my head, who by all accounts should not be alive today.  What I am saying is that when we don’t have our prayer answered that we are desperately pleading God for, it has nothing to do with our faithfulness to him.  We can not think that, period.  It is purely self-destructive and absolutely wrong.  When things happen to us, when tragedies come our way, it is so hard not to ask why.  We will never be able to give meaning to the senseless and horrible things that happen to us.  What we can do, after we have allowed our hearts and minds ample time to process the situation and grieve, is ask ourselves what we are going to do about the difficult circumstances we are facing.  We can either let it define us or just be a part of our story.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I have spent a lot of time being angry and even more time being sad.  God doesn’t expect us NOT to deal with the problems we face.  He made us with these powerful and sometimes overwhelming emotions.  Nothing that we feel is new to God and I am certain that he can handle all of the emotions we experience, especially anger.  Our chaplain from California told us that a healthy relationship, whether with another person or with God, is one in which you are comfortable and free to express all of your emotions, even anger without retaliation.  God works the same way.  If you are angry at him because of something that you have endured, tell Him, He’s big enough to handle anything you throw at him.  We were never promised a life free of pain but we were promised that we would be given strength and courage to deal with the pain.

Another thing I have come to further understand is that those who love you are also hurt by the things that break you.  I don’t want to say that I enjoy seeing our friends and family in pain but it has brought comfort to my broken heart to see that our friends and family are hurt by our suffering.  While others are hurting for us and with us, we are able to get a small glimpse of how much we mean to everyone which shows us that we are not alone.  To be prayed for and loved by so many has been so helpful to us.  Quite honestly, when I see others cry over our situation, it helps to solidify my feelings of not being alone in this extremely painful time.  If you are willing to cry for and with us, you have shown us how important we are to you and that is something no one can ever take away from us.

We prayed for Jensen to come home with us.  Nicole chose not to do what she should have done.  This was not caused by God or anyone's fault.  It simply happened.  We prayed for strength and courage to survive this unspeakable horror that we have been through.  We may not have received the miracle we had so desperately hoped for but what we did discover is that we have amazing people around us for support, God beside us for courage to face another day and strength within ourselves to hold each other when needed.  This is definitely not what we asked for but I refuse to spend another moment wondering why this has happened to us.  Instead, I chose to ask what am I going to do about it and the answer is simple.  I am taking one day at a time, praying for Jensen and Nicole and waiting for our forever baby.

The next step for us

I had my first day back to work today and to quote my friend Stephanie, “You lived.”  It wasn’t easy and there were a few rough spots in the day.  I was so thankful to have my work friends there with me today, especially when someone who hadn’t heard what happened patted me on the back and said, “Hey Mom.”  I sort of freaked out but my friends handled it for me.  I’m proud to say I work with some pretty amazing people!

When I first started this blog, I had no idea what it would lead to.  I was actually just being lazy and using it as a tool to let our friends and family know what was going on without having to send multiple text messages or emails.  With one fell swoop, I was able to let everyone know what we were doing on our way to having a family while sharing my thoughts and feelings.  I have grown to enjoy writing my postings and have been told by several people that I should write a book.  I don’t feel like I am being inspirational as I write but I am glad that others have found encouragement through my words.  I have come to decide that part of my reason for writing is to educate others about domestic adoption and the process entailed.  There is so much that is involved in all of this that people wouldn’t know otherwise unless we were sharing with everyone.  Not to mention, I have found great comfort in having an outlet to air my feelings with no repercussions.

I write this post tonight on the eve of the anniversary of what we formerly referred to as “the worst day of our lives”.  This is a day that we both have a hard time getting through as we remember how we struggled and I literally fought to live on that day 3 years ago.  I wanted to share a quote from Rose Kennedy as I think about the loss we have experienced.  “It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’  I do not agree.  The wounds remain.  In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens.  But it is never gone.”  This is so very true.  Even in the midst of the devastating loss we have experienced this summer, we remember the pain that we felt that day and the loss that we will never forget, our only pregnancy.  The pain is not as intense but it is still there.  I would imagine that as we continue to heal from the loss of our son, we will feel the same.  A pain that is less intense but still there as a reminder of what we have been willing to do to have a family.

We talked with Carol and Cynthia this week, as planned to try to get a few more answers to our questions.  One of our biggest questions was why there wasn’t a social worker available, especially after we specifically asked for one.  As we already know, adoption laws are different from state to state.  One of the factors regarding those laws is the level of involvement that the adoption social worker plays.  Some states, California included, frown on an adoption social worker being present in the hospital as it can be misunderstood as coercion, should the adoption later be contested by the birth parents.  Now that we know that, we kind of understand but we felt like that should have been better explained to us up front, rather than leaving us feeling like we were being left out in the cold, alone, 2,000 miles from home!

We also wanted to know why the legal documents for Nicole to surrender her parental rights were not signed before she left the hospital.  Unfortunately, as with so much of the situation, the timing of when the relinquishment papers are signed is up to the birth mom.  She decides when she will sign the papers, period.  So, when she said she wanted to sign the day after discharge that is completely acceptable, much to our dismay.  She is allowed to determine how much time she will spend with the baby while in the hospital, whether or not she participates in counseling before and after the birth and whether or not she stays on the maternity floor instead of being transferred to another floor.  As I said before, I feel like this is an avenue for me to provide education to those of you who are following us along this journey.  Hopefully, this will answer some of your questions, as well.  As far as we are concerned, this was not at all how we understood the process to be, so we were very alarmed and confused when these things were happening and felt unprepared to deal with them.  Now that we know, we will be better able to cope with the hospital stay for next time.

Interestingly enough, we also learned that most birth moms who change their mind and decide to parent, do so shortly after the birth of the baby.  Few adoptive parents leave the hospital only to have the birth parents change their mind before legal custody is obtained.  When I learned this, I thought, “Of course it doesn’t happen often.  Neither does rain in July in central California or taxi cabs that won’t start or any of the totally bizarre course of events that led us to California!!”

One of the things we have been concerned with is how we will deal with the next adoption opportunity.  We were comforted to know that the next birth mom who picks us will know that we have experienced a disrupted adoption.  That alone shows how committed we are to this and what we are willing to do to have a family.  I’m certain we will be guarded but we will make a constant effort to not compare our next birth mom with Nicole.  That would not be fair to any of us.

Last night, Carol called to review what we had discussed Monday night.  We decided to go back online and our web sites were reactivated early this morning.  She also told us that we will be the featured family for October.  That means we will be the first family that birth moms will see when they contact ANLC.  I can honestly say that I was not excited to hear our web sites had been reactivated.  This time last year, I was working feverishly to get the information out for those web sites to be activated.  Now, I’m just sorry they have to be turned back on.

I have said this before and I’m sure I will say it many more times, this is not the end of our story.  We will fight, tooth and nail, scratching and clawing our way to find our family.  We refuse to allow this to be over for us.  I will leave you with one final quote that I have found to inspirational in the last several weeks……”Whatever you do, hold onto hope!  The tiniest thread will twist into an unbreakable cord.  Let hope anchor you in the possibility that this is not the end of your story, that change will bring you to peaceful shores.”

"Sometimes the things we can't change end up changing us."

I would like to start this post by saying thank you.  Actually, thank you seems thousands of miles away from how we truly feel.  We could never really be able to adequately express how grateful we are to all of our family and friends who have supported us this summer.  Jon and I have experienced tragedy before, with the loss of our only pregnancy the same day as his dad passed away.  We both feel that what we have faced this summer has been much worse than what we previously referred to as “the worst day of our lives”.  Once again, we were reminded of how loved we are by those around us.  Before we even left, so many people shared in our excitement and while we were in California, we could feel the prayers being lifted for us by people all across the country.  We could never say what it meant to us knowing that so many people were “on our side” throughout this journey.

As you can imagine, coming home was bittersweet.   We wanted so desperately to be near the people we loved but at the same time, we understood that leaving California meant leaving Jensen behind.  We were so relieved to be home, with family and friends to embrace us as we worked toward mending our broken hearts.  We are far from whole as we continue to take things one day at a time but we are making progress.  As we sat in the hospital, waiting for Nicole to decide if we could leave with Jensen, I looked at JP and said, “If this doesn’t work out, I’ll never be able to come back from that.  I’ll never be the same and I don’t think I can ever recover.”  I would be lying if I didn’t say that there have been times when this has been so difficult that the thought of having to bear the next second was agonizing.  We have both tried to utilize our resources as we make our way through this.  I have read several books and we have seen a counselor.  I have also kept in touch with the chaplain who played such an important role in this journey.  She has been an invaluable resource to us along the way and I truly feel like she was sent to us straight from God.  We are working through the grief process together, respecting each other along the way and learning from each other as we heal.  One thing we have come to appreciate is that grief isn’t a one-time experience and then it’s over.  It’s an ongoing process that needs and deserves attention and respect.  I think that grief is like a fire.  It must be allowed to burn completely out on its own rather than being snuffed out or having someone pour water on it because it’s uncomfortable.  In order for grief to be worked through properly, it must be tended to, admired, stoked gently and revered.  Although rushing through the grief process may seem easier, you will only hurt yourself in the end.  If you have not fully grieved a situation that you have endured, it will only rear its ugly head the next time you are faced with something similar or worse yet, you will never be able to move past that which has caused you so much pain.  I can’t think of anyone who would want to live that way, with the hurt of the past constantly hanging over them, creeping into every possible happy moment.

Having said that, I want to thank everyone for allowing us to grieve in our own ways and not rushing us to move onto the next step.  Never once have I felt as though anyone was trying to hurry us through this.  We have felt so blessed to have so many people who love and support us, even from afar.  We truly appreciate you for respecting us and allowing us the time and space that we have needed as we work through this together. 

We met with our social worker in Overland Park on Wednesday to update our home study, which is a yearly requirement when you are awaiting an adoption.  Hillary is one of the most amazing women I have ever met.  She is so insightful and perceptive and is very knowledgeable about the adoption process.   Hillary is completely unattached from Adoption Network.  She is a social worker who has an adoption agency and we have chosen to use her for our home study process.  We told her the whole story, from the phone call saying Nicole had chosen us to the moment we were sitting in her office.  She was shocked and horrified and at one point said, “You can’t make this stuff up.  In fact, if this were fiction, I would say, ‘You have gone too far here.  This is too much!  It’s not believable.’”  When we were finished telling her everything, she said, “I want to tell you both something right now.  There is nothing you could have said or done differently that would have changed the outcome of this situation.  You did and said everything right.  None of this was your fault and I want you to know that.”  I was so relieved to hear a professional adoption social worker say that to us.  I have relived almost every moment we were in California, thinking, “What if we had done this?  Should we have said that?”  I have lain awake every night thinking and remembering everything, trying to make sense of all of this.  By her telling us that, I literally felt a weight lifted off of me, as though I finally understood this was not my fault.

Some of you know we bought Nicole a keepsake, not to say “thank you for giving us your baby” but rather a personalized token of our appreciation for the happiness she was bringing us by making this difficult choice.  When she came to take Jensen from us, she tried to give it back to Jon while I stood back holding Jensen.  I stepped forward and said, “No, that is for you.  Keep it.”  After hearing this, Hillary said that by doing that, we showed Nicole our true character.  She pointed out that in our moment of deepest sorrow and heartache, we were able to continue to be the same people we are, honest, loving and compassionate and Nicole will always remember that.  She will know that there are people in this world who are capable of giving without strings attached and no further expectations.  I had never thought of it in that way and although a part of me hopes that when she looks at it she feels guilty, I am proud of us for being able to show Nicole who we are, no matter what the circumstances.

Hillary talked through some of the situation with us and gave us some specific questions to ask Adoption Network.  She also said to call her the next time we are presented with an adoption opportunity and she would go over the information with us and discuss any details that she might consider to be “red flags”.  She encouraged us to continue to pursue adoption and even offered to network for us, in addition to what Adoption Network will be doing for us.  We left feeling like we had gained valuable information for how we should proceed.

When we first signed up with Adoption Network, we were assigned an adoption consultant.  Once we were chosen by Nicole, we were handed over to an adoption advisor.  Now that we are in the category of “disrupted adoption”, we have been handed over to a client liaison, named Carol.  I emailed her today and let her know that we had several questions and weren’t sure who we should direct them toward.  She said she would try to answer them and we scheduled a phone call for this evening.  We had 13 questions written down and Carol was only able to answer 4 of them.  I was disappointed by that at first but she plans to visit with Cynthia to get some answers for us and we will talk with both of them next week.  During our conversation, I told Carol that we had been working hard to deal with our feelings related to what we have been through and that we have waited to talk with her because we have been angry about the situation and outcome.  She said she appreciated my honesty and was glad that I shared that.  Lucky for her, I didn’t call 3 or 4 weeks ago!

So, where are we now?  We are healing, grieving and trying to get back into our lives.  We know that we will never be the same people we were on July 11.  We understand that it will take time to fully process and deal with all of the emotions that are involved with this.  We are so grateful for the wonderful people in our lives who love and care for us so much.  We will always love Jensen and he will forever have a special place in our hearts.   We are not giving up on adoption or having a family.