Numbers for November

Several people have asked how things are going for us, so I thought I would post an update and let everyone know there really isn't much to update.  I checked the control panel for the website that has that feature and saw that that website was viewed 51 times in November.  And, as of December 4, when I checked it, it had already been viewed 9 times in December.  So, we are being "viewed" by someone.
We are in the waiting period, which is so hard for me.  I've tried to keep myself busy with other tasks to try to keep my mind off of it and I have to say that the busy-ness of the holidays has definitely helped!  I did some rearranging and organizing and plan to do more of that soon.  My best friend, Julie, suggested that I complete all projects in my house that are not baby related because once we get that phone call that we have been chosen, I will have a hard time doing anything that isn't baby related, not to mention that when we finally have our precious bundle of joy, I won't have time to do anything like that anyway!  So, I've got big plans to stay busy with organizing and rearranging after the holidays are over.
They told us that the average wait time to be chosen is 4 months after our websites are up and running.  December is month #3, so we continue to wait and hope for that phone call that will change our lives forever!  We thank you so much for thinking of us and praying with us as we make our way through this journey!!

Cheer up

I was feeling pretty down a few weeks ago after a series of events that once again felt like my infertility and lack of ability to conceive was slapping me in the face!  I had sent an email to our adoption consultant, Teri and shared some of my frustrations with her.  I told her I felt like the wet laundry hung out to dry and it has started to rain and had been forgotten.  I just feel forgotten sometimes, like my hopes and dreams of a family and to be a mother have been overlooked, like when you forget to go take the laundry off the line after it started to rain........but of course, Teri had some positive information for me that made me feel a little better.  According to the control panel that tracks usage on one of our websites, it was viewed 78 times in the month of October!!  They like to see pages viewed 60 times a month, which would be around twice a day.  So, we surpassed that goal the first month our websites were live.  That made me feel like at least someone is out there looking at us.
The hardest part of this is the waiting time we are in right now.  When we made this decision to proceed with this, we had so many tasks to complete that I made a list.  After we finished each item on the list, I was able to check it off and feel like we had accomplished something.  When the list was complete, I was so proud of us for all we had done in such a short amount of time, ahead of the schedule they had proposed for us.  But now, there's no list, nothing to check off, no tasks to say we have accomplished.  I am very much a "list" person, so this is almost torture for me, like prisoner of war level of torture!
Now, we are half-way into the second month our websites have been live.  Today is November 17 and as of 2:30 CST, our ANLC website has been viewed 28 times this month!!!  I got tears in my eyes when I just looked that up.  I don't expect anyone to understand what it feels like to have proof that someone is looking at you and deciding whether or not to choose you to be the parents to their baby.  This is such an overwhelming process in so many ways and we have learned so much about ourselves and each other.  I have never been a patient person and this truly isn't helping me, but I will wait FOREVER for my baby!!!

A new perspective....

I received an email today that gave me a new perspective on our journey.  I have spent so much time wanting to be a Mommy and have a child that when we chose to pursue adoption, I felt like this baby, our baby would be the biggest blessing in our lives.  And that was it.  I almost feel like I have been selfish in thinking how our baby would make us so happy and complete our lives.  I had never looked at it from any other point of view until today, when I read the following portion of the email I received from our adoption consultant:

"So a lot of busy work in the beginning and now it is a matter of sitting back, waiting, hoping and praying for your birthmother to come along.

 Again, I really enjoyed your websites.  You are an amazing couple and I respect you tremendously for the commitment you have both taken part in, and that is the journey of saving a child and building your family through adoption.  I am honored to be with you on this journey."

Until now, I had only thought of how this baby would save us, from heartache and emptiness.  I hadn't even begin to think about the loneliness, heartache and sorrow we could be saving this baby from!  I am so humbled, even before we have been chosen, by the idea that somewhere out there is a young woman who is so mature and selfless that she is able to say, "I can't do this.  I can't raise this baby the way I want to.  But I think you can and I trust you to do this well."

If you are a parent, you may say to yourself, "I have no idea how someone could give up their baby!"  Consider this, our birthmother loves our baby so much, she is willing to give him or her to us and allow them to have the opportunities she would never be able to give them.  What an amazing and precious gift!!  We are all going to be given the unique chance to "save each other"!!

Addresses for our web pages....

We have looked over our web pages and are so pleased!  I have the links to the pages below, if you would like to see what they have done for us.  Once you go to the web pages, the best way to find us is to search by region and just look for us!!  We know for a fact that our web site on Adoption Network has been viewed 21 times this month!!  That is so exciting!!!!
So, if you have a few minutes, take a peek and let us know what you think!

AdoptionNetwork.com, CourageousChoice.com, AdoptionSpacebook.com and TheAdoptionFoundation.com

Web pages are up!!!

I got an email yesterday that our web pages are up and running!  We are live on 4 websites that are marketed to birth mothers for chosing adoptive families.  I have decided not to post the links to those websites on this post because Jon hasn't had a chance to see them yet and I'd like for him to see them before people who read my blog.  No offense, but I think it's kind of important for him to have a first peek!
I am so excited that these are finally up and available.  On one of the websites, we have the capability to track how many people have viewed the site.  As of this morning, that particular site had been viewed 5 times already today!!  That is so wonderful!!!  Of course, we have no way of knowing if the viewers are actually birth moms but at least we know there is someone out there looking at us already!!!
So, now we just wait..........if you know me, I'm not a good waiter!  I'm trying real hard to stay patient and positive as we wait for our baby!
Thanks for thinking of us as we make our way through this together and thanks for following along with us.

133 is better!!

We got an email last Friday, on our anniversary, from the media dept at the Adoption Law Firm saying they received our pictures and were able to use them to complete our websites.  They told us to expect it to take 2-3 weeks for the websites to be up available for viewing and we can't make any changes to the web pages for 3 months.  I'm assuming we can send them newer pictures if we have some that we take and feel like they can be used.  I, for one, am over it!!  I don't plan on having another photo shoot for a loooong time!!!  I'm sure JP won't have his feelings hurt if he doesn't have to do that again, either!!
We have received all of our background clearances and submitted our completed home study, so now, we are truly and completely "waiting to be chosen"!  I look forward to hearing from them when they have our web pages up and running so we can take a peek at them.  Pending my approval, I may attach the links to the pages in a blog post for everyone else to see.
On a funny note, I have been doing some "research" about baby things.  Since we know we are having a baby, it's just a matter of when, I thought I would do some browsing.  My mother has been ever so gently pressuring me to pick out a "theme" for our nursery so she can get busy on her next grandbabies quilt!  So, I picked out a unisex crib set and showed JP.  Bless his heart, he thought the price tag was for the entire nursery, furniture and all, not just the crib set!  He really has no idea, does he?!  Well, that got me thinking, just exactly how much does nursery furniture cost?  As it turns out, it's not cheap either!!!  Originally, I had said I wasn't going to buy anything because I didn't want to have a nursery set up and then, God forbid the worst happens and we come home without a baby to fully decorated nursery.  That seems so "Lifetime Movie" and I didn't really want to have to deal with that.  But, I have decided that waiting until we have been away from home for at least 2 weeks and dealing with the expenses that will incur will probably not be the best time to go shopping for everything you need in a baby's room.  So, I told JP we should go ahead and get the stuff for the nursery and just have it.  We don't have to set it all up but if we have it, then when we get home, we can put it all together or even while we're gone if I know my besties and my mother!!  So, the plan is to slowly shop for those necessities from now until then but save all the fun stuff for the baby showers that we will have after we are all home!
Several people have asked me lately how things are going, so I thought I would update the blog and share all of the latest information with all of our faithful supporters! 

76 is not enough!!

So, we received an email last week from the adoption law firm stating we needed to submit more photos.  Of the 76 photos I sent them, they were only able to use less than 20 because of shadows on our faces, glares or squinty eyes.  I was very frustrated and almost had a meltdown when I read the email requesting more photos!  It is extremely difficult to come up with action photos of us that meet their requirements!! 
Thankfully, I calmed down and we came up with a plan.  We enlisted the help of my bestie, Julie and she had some excellent ideas and suggested we come to her house for a photo shoot.  I also emailed Sue at the media dept. in the adoption law firm and let her know our plan.  I shared my frustrations with her and she was also able to give us a few suggestions to work with.
So, we went to Julie's on Sunday, with 3 outifts each and spent a few hours having our very own photo shoot!  We were able to get what I think are several great photos and I plan on sending them to the adoption law firm on Wednesday when I'm off.  Hopefully, we will have enough pics after sending these new photos to them so we can have our webpages complete!!
We are both ready to have this part of the process checked off our list and be moving on to the next step.  We are ready to be officially waiting!!!

All assignments complete!

We finally got all of our pictures taken to submit to the media department of the adoption law firm so they can create our web profiles!  I mailed the cd of the pictures today so they will be able to start creating our profiles.  I also sent all of the "required text" that are used to create the web profiles, along with the pictures.  Let me tell you, getting all of these pictures together has been quite an assignment for us, well, I guess I should say me!  But, I did enjoy going through old pictures and memories!  We are so blessed!
We have done our part for the home study information, including all of the background checks and fingerprinting.  Now it's just a matter of waiting for all of the information to be compiled and submitted to the adoption law firm.
I called my Grandma May today to wish her a happy birthday and give her an update on where we are.  I told her that now we are truly at the "hurry up and wait" part.  As soon as our web profiles are complete, we will just be waiting to be chosen.  Since we have done all of our work, we are now waiting......  I think we will be doing a lot of that in the near future, and for those of you who know me, I don't wait well, so say a prayer for me!
Here's a line from one of the letters we had to submit for our web profiles.....
"Our family will be complete when we are not just two people, but three hearts making our way through this life as a whole family."
This is truly how we feel and we are excited for the next step!!

New Webpage

Our niece, Mindy Pittman, asked to create a website for us as we continue through this adoption journey.  The website has a link to my blog, so you can keep up with the story as we go.
We were so touched that she wanted to create this page to help us!
Thanks so much Mindy!

http://jjpittmanfamily.weebly.com

Home Tour, Check!!

So, I have spent the last two days cleaning like the Queen of England was coming over!  All you ladies our there know that there are different kinds of cleaning.  There's the close friends are coming over so you straighten things up a bit kind of cleaning.  There's the family is coming to town so we better clean this house cleaning.  And then there's the kind of cleaning that takes place when a social worker is coming to your house for a home tour as part of your home study process for adoption!  This is the kind of cleaning that your husband will participate in, voluntarily!!!!  And for all of you who are wondering, yes, the kitchen is put back together, finally!
The home tour was pretty painless, really.  We gave the social worker a tour of the house, which didn't take long.  By the way, she thought our new patio was pretty cool!  Then we sat down at the table to answer a few of the necessary questions about our home's value, our neighbors and neighborhood, the school district and safety issues.  She was super friendly and we are so glad she was able to come help us with this portion of our home study.  She will type up her review and send it on to Hillary, our social worker who did our home study.  This will be included in the final document that will be presented to the judge.
Now, we are going to seriously work on getting all of our pictures taken for the web profiles.  I decided it would be best for us to take things one at a time, so now that we have done everything we need to for the home study, we can move on to the next thing.  The sooner we get our pictures taken and submitted, the sooner they can make our web profiles and of course, the sooner we can be "picked" by a birthmother.
We are excited to move on through this process! 

Home study, check!

After 2 days, 8 hours of driving and A LOT of talking, the interview portion of our home study is complete.  It was nothing like we expected, which is a good thing.  It was mainly a question/answer type situation that was rather enlightening for us both.  At times, it was emotional but there were also moments of light hearted laughter, just like life!
The next step is our "home tour" which is basically a description of our home and neighborhood to be completed by a local social worker.  We hope to get that done soon so we can officially say this portion is complete.  I have basically compartmentalized this process, in that, I've decided we need to get complete a step then focus on the next.  There is so much that is required from us that I was feeling overwhelmed.  I wanted to complete the home study so we can focus on the media portion of our marketing process.  So you guessed it, I will be toting my camera everywhere waiting to capture a shot of us, smiling of course!!
Once we have all of our pictures ready, we can send them to the media department for them to create our web profile to be viewed by birthmothers.  These will be one of the ways a birthmother will be able to learn about us.  We are excited about getting this part of the process going.  The sooner we have our web profiles made, the sooner we are going to be out there for a birthmom to see us and then pick us!!!
Thank you for being a part of this journey with us!

Busy Week

I've been busy gathering all the information needed for our Home Study process.  The name is actually deceiving since we will not be spending much time at our home for this interview.  We will be spending all day Wednesday and then again Thursday morning with a woman who specializes in this type of situation.  Her name is Hillary and she has been very supportive and easy to deal with so far.  She has responded quickly to any of my emails and has even offered solutions to help us keep costs down.  For example, the actual "home tour" must be done by a licensed social worker.  She offered to allow someone locally come to our home for this portion of the study to save us from having to pay her travel time.  She then informed me that our local social worker can assist with the post-placement visits that are required once we have brought our baby home.  I thought that was so cool because very few people in this process, either with fertility treatments or the adoption experience, have offered suggestions to keep costs down for us.
So, this week we will be going to Overland Park to visit with her.  I asked a couple of my friends who have been through this what we should expect.  Apparently, we are going to spend the better part of 2 days talking about our childhood, how we were raised, why we chose to adopt, etc. etc.  As you can imagine, we are real excited about this.  I've told a few people already and I'm sure I'll say it again, if everyone had to go through all this before they became parents, there would definitely be fewer kids on this earth!!!
In preparation for this Home Study, we had to gather a lot of information.  Everything from a letter from our bank, stating we are responsible account holders, to FBI background and fingerprinting.  It's truly unbelievable!  If that weren't enough, we also have "assigned reading" that we are to complete.  I have so far successfully completed 1 of the 3 books that are required.  I was feeling very overwhelmed this evening as I was checking over the list to make sure we have everything, you know, while I'm cooking supper and trying to figure out when I'm going to have time to put up my sweet corn and green beans.  But, I talked with a couple of my good friends and they reminded me to just breathe.  So, I'm taking a breath, putting my thoughts down for all to see and trying to keep my perspective.  In the end, none of this will matter.  We will have a baby and will forget all about the required letters from employers, copies of tax documents, birth certificates, marriage license, divorce decree, letters of recommendations and required reading.  We will have our sweet baby in our arms and paperwork will be the last thing on our minds!!!

It's a new day.....

I haven't posted anything on here in well over a month.  My Grandma taught me that "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".  So, I chose to stay quiet, so to speak.  After a while, I did have something to say, but wasn't sure how to say it.  Today I visited with a friend on facebook and told her that I think I'm ready to share again and I'm pretty sure I know what to say now, also.
After the last negative pregnancy test, I felt lost.  I had believed that our time was finally here and when that wasn't the case, I didn't know what to think.  We had a lot of quiet time around our house as we both searched to find our way out of the despair that surrounded us.
As you may know, that was our last chance at in vitro.  My RE said we could do in vitro again but only with donor eggs.  That means we could attempt to have a fertilized embryo that was not genetically mine, then transfer it into my uterus for me to carry.  At first, I was totally for that option.  My sister had offered to give us her eggs, so I thought, "Why not?"  Jon was not comfortable with it, at all from the beginning.  I felt like this was our only chance and would be that only way for me to carry a pregnancy.  What a tremendous gift for my sister to even offer to us.  But after much discussion, we decided against it.  There were just too many factors to consider and the bottom line is that this is not just my decision to make.  I have to consider my husband's thoughts and feelings as we make our way down this path.  I want a child and I want to be a family but not at the expense of my marriage.
So, that left us with adoption, which is what we have decided to do.  We have enlisted the services of an adotion law firm who has guaranteed us a baby.  Now, of course, you have to keep in mind there are risks with this route, as well.  Each state has it's own laws regarding infant adoption, which is a reason I felt using a law firm would be most beneficial to us.  There will be no question whether or not all aspects of this will be legal.  But in the end, we will have a baby and we will be a family. 
The people we have dealt with so far have been amazing!  We have spent a few hours on the phone with them in conference calls as we discuss the process and how things will work for us.  At this point, we are waiting to compile our profile for birthmothers to view.  This profile will be marketed on several web sites in order for us to be as marketable as possible.  Because this law firm deals with birthmothers nationwide, the wait time is significantly less than if we had chosen to go through and adoption agency, who can only deal within the state they are licensed.  Once our profile is complete, the average wait time to be chosen by a birthmother is 4 months, which is so exciting!!
As always, there is a fine, thin, grey line between being positive and realistic.  There is always a chance, in this type of adoption circumstance that the birthmother could change her mind.  However, because these birthmothers are provided with extensive couseling, the rate of success is extremely high.  This is yet another reason I felt like this law firm was right for us.
We will start our home study process in a couple weeks, which is required for all adoptions.  I have visited with a couple people who have been through the home study themselves and feel like I have a good idea what to expect.  And yes, I know that we need a fire extinguisher under the kitchen sink!!!  (That is required to complete the home study, fyi.)
As we discussed our options and what we thought we should do, I shared some thoughts with JP that I want to share with you.  I don't have to like that I can't conceive or carry a baby.  I will still have times when I am sad about it because I truly feel that it is like a grieving process when you are faced with infertility.  I also know that I can choose to be sad and mourn that loss so much that it totally consumes me or I can put on my "big girl pants" and we can make a plan and move forward.  I have come to realize that it is more important to me to have a baby and for us to be a family that it is for me to be pregnant.  How we get our baby is not what matters.  Having the opportunity to be a family and raise a child with JP is what's important.  I have learned so much about myself, my husband and my marriage throughout this entire process.  I know that we are stronger people and our marriage is stronger because of it.
I still do not believe that "things happen for a reason".  I think that's something people say to cope with their circumstances.  I wouldn't change what we have done for anything.  I know that we can lay our heads down at night and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we tried everything we could do to make this happen for ourselves.  I will never think, "what if we had tried this?" because we did it all.  Adoption is the next step if we want to have a family, and that's what we are choosing to do. 
So, having said all that, I want to thank you for continuing to pray for us as we start down this path of our journey.  We are excited and nervous at the same time!  And we know we will have a baby, soon!!

Reader's discretion is advised......

Ok, so here's the deal, I'm not going to apologize for how I feel or what I'm about to say. 
So, now's you're chance to click that mouse and back out of this page before you read something that you might potentially disagree with or make you irritated....
Having said that, I am really pissed!  I am so mad that there are people in this world who have children and don't cherish them.  I'm angry at god for letting those people have kids and making us suffer as we try desperately to have a family.  I mean, I'm not asking for a freaking cure for cancer here.  I just want to have a baby and raise a family together with my husband.  This isn't a ridiculous request, in my opinion.  We are pretty responsible adults with a nice home and good jobs.  We can care for a child, financially, emotionally and physically.  When I have to see someone who doesn't have the money to care for their child or chooses cigarettes over their child's well being, I want to shake them and ask, "Do you have any idea how lucky you are?!"
I am so heartbroken and devastated over our situation.  I am trying to put on a brave face and get through my daily activities but there are times when the sadness grips my throat and I can't breath and I feel like I'm going to suffocate from the heartache.  I understand that people don't really know what to say but are trying to be supportive.  But I swear to god, if I hear another person say, "God has a plan for you, just wait and see."  or "Everything happens for a reason."  or better yet, "I know a couple who tried for years to have a baby and they wound up getting pregnant when they least expected it."  I think I will scream or vomit!  These things do NOT help me!!  To be quite honest, I don't really want anything to do with a god whose "plan" for me is make me suffer through the heartache of infertility, take my baby away when I finally do get pregnant on the same day my father-in-law dies then give me one last chance at having my dreams fulfilled, only to not come through in the end.  Sorry, I don't think all of this is some big plan to make me a better person or strengthen my faith.  I also don't think it's helpful to hear, "well, sometimes things don't go the way we planned so we have to trust that it's all in god's hands."  Seriously?  If you know me, then you know that I'm not one to sit around and wait to "see what happens".   I've decided the people who say these things either don't really know what else to say or have never experienced anything trying or devastating in thier own lives.
I don't mind people saying they are thinking and praying for us.  I also had someone tell me today that she enjoyed reading my blogs and thought the text message that JP sent me the day of the pregnancy test showed that we have a great relationship.  When people say those things to me, I feel a little bit of encouragement.  I do know that we have a strong marriage and through all of these experiences we have grown and learned so much about each other. 
I also know that this heartache will not go away overnight.  I truly think that each time I have a negative pregnancy test, it's almost like I have to go through the grieving process all over again.  Obviously, I'm pretty angry right now as I try to sort out what our options are and how we will move past this.  Some days are better than others, but the bad days are still really bad.

Thoughts for today....

Sometimes the uncertainty of not knowing the answer to what you are seeking still brings the peace of having at least 2 possiblities.  When you finally get that answer and you are faced with only 1 possiblity, it suddenly brings to light not only how hopeful you were but how much you miss having the option of 2 outcomes.
Having said that, my nurse called to let us know that the pregnancy test is negative.  As you can imagine, I am completely devastated, heartbroken and filled with sorrow.  I don't understand why this didn't work for us and why we can't have a baby.
I'm so grateful that my friend from work traded days with me today so I don't have to face this news while trying to remain professional.  I am also thankful beyond words for my amazing husband who just sent me a text that said, "As long as I have you, I will be fine.  You're more important to me than any child."
I don't know what this means for our future plans, but I do know that my doctor said this was our last chance at this, unless we use donor eggs, which we aren't prepared, emotionally or financially to explore right now.  We will continue to take this one day at a time and decide what to do from there.
Please continue to pray for us both as the next few days will be very difficult for us both.  Thank you so much for all of your prayers and support up to this point.  It has meant so much to us knowing there have been so many people "rooting" for us.

The waiting game.....

Well, we have waited and waited and waited for a whole week now.  Tomorrow is the big day!  I will go to the hospital for a lab draw pregnancy test in the morning, probably early, since I'm sure I won't be able to sleep well.  The lab will then fax the results to the dr and my nurse will call me with the news.  I'm hoping it will be by noon, but I can't be certain.
I have had such anxiety over this!  I have questioned every thing I have felt, from nausea to cramping.  I told JP the other night that I wished there was a way for me to know for sure right now without having to wait for the pregnancy test.  For those of you who know, you understand that I don't wait well.  I'm not very patient when comes to waiting on something that I want very badly.  So, if nothing else, this is a lesson on patience and taking things one day at a time.
I've tried to relax and not worry, but that is easier said than done!  I've been thinking positive thoughts and praying, almost constantly.  If I could will this to happen for us just by being positive and praying, it would definitely happen for us!!
So, I ask that you continue to pray for us, especially tomorrow morning.  My friend from work suggested we trade days so I'm not trying to concentrate while my mind is wondering.  I will be a nervous wreck until I hear from the nurse!  Good news or not, you will hear from me sometime tomorrow.

Transfer day....

The embryologist finally called this morning, just as we were getting ready to leave to let us know that the embryos had divided.  One embryo was a blastocyst, which is right what it's supposed to be and the other was right behind it in development.  They said we were going to transfer both, so we put our shoes on and headed out the door!
I was so relieved that everything was ok that I cried when I hung up the phone!  Now, JP didn't actually have tears in his eyes, but he did have a quivering lip!  This is such an emotional journey for us, with the super highs and the deep lows, on a daily basis.  My supervisor at work said yesterday that it's so hard to see me get my hopes up then see how I change with the bad news.  Here's hoping we're done with the bad news!!
So, we got down there and I had my valium, which is WONDERFUL!!  They want me to be as relaxed as possible so that the embryo transfer goes smoothly.  My mom is here and she got to go in with us to the transfer room.  We got to see the embryos on a screen before they were loaded into the catheter for the transfer.  It was obvious that there is a difference between the two. 
The actual transfer doesn't take very long and my mom said it was so cool to watch the dr do everything!  After they transfer the embryos into my uterus, they check the catheter to make sure there weren't any embryos left in the tube, which there wasn't.  Then, I had to lie there for 15 minutes, while JP timed me!
I rode home lying in the backseat of the car and fell asleep after my Burger King treat!  Now we're home, I'm in bed and mom's here with me reading her Nook.  I have big plans to do absolutely NOTHING for the next couple of days!!
I will have my first pregnancy test next Wednesday.  It's a loooooong 8 days, but we're praying that it will be worth the wait!!!
Thank you so much for all your prayers and support through this portion of the journey!  It's a tremendous blessing to know there are so many people rooting for us!

Today's news.....

Over the weekend, we got great news!  The embryos had divided, just like they were supposed to and according to the emryologist, they looked "perfect".  Yesterday, 1 had 10 cells and 1 had 8 cells and they expect them to be at 6-8 cells on that day.

Today, the embryologist called and said they hadn't divided again.  This is NOT good news.  She said they "look like they are trying to do something" and that we have to wait and see what today will bring.  If they don't divide, they won't be viable for transfer tomorrow.  She said she will call me in the morning between 7-730 to let me know how they look and we will go from there.

Of course, I'm very discouraged by this news, but I am also trying to stay positive.  We have all day for them to do their work and we are praying they will. 

Please pray for my sanity!  I'm actually at work today, trying to keep my game face on and do a good job after hearing this.

Thanks so much for praying with us!

Saturday's update...

The embryologist called this morning to tell us that both embryos have divided accordingly and there is no fragmentation.  I was ecstatic!  She said, "the look perfect" which made me so happy!
They will call again tomorrow with a report.  So we are praying that they will have the same great news in the morning.  Thank you for praying with us about our embryos!

Friday's update....

The embryologist called this morning to let us know that all 4 eggs were fertilized, however, only 2 embryos made it to today.  I was very discouraged at this news.  I feel like a complete failure.  I've followed all the instructions, done everything exactly the way the dr told me to, and now I've only got 2 embryos, who have to be amazing and make it to Tuesday for transfer.
I'm trying so hard to stay positive, praying for these 2 embryos that they are the strongest.  It's just so hard to stay positive when all my hopes and dreams are literally on the line here.  JP is trying to stay positive, too, but I can tell he's disappointed, which completely breaks my heart!  All I have ever wanted is to have a family and just when I think that might be possible for us, it seems like that dream is moving farther away from us.
So, please pray with us, as my bestie says, that these 2 embryos are tough lil boogers!  They will call in the morning to let us know how they do.

The fab four......

We are home now and my eggs have been retrieved.  There were only 4 mature eggs found in all those follicles.  The dr said that's more than what she expected, so I'm remaining positive.  Initially, the dr said I wouldn't respond to the fertility drugs and I did.  She also warned me that I had a high chance of having to cancel my cycle and not even make it to egg retrieval.  I'm counting myself blessed that my cycle wasn't cancelled and I have 4 eggs.
They will call me tomorrow to let me know how many have been fertilized.  We are praying that these "fab four" will continue to beat the odds and be our blessing.  Please keep praying with us!  We could use all the prayers we can get!!

Egg retrieval eve.....

I have taken all my medications and shots as they were ordered.  I have followed all the directions, so far.  We are in the hotel, trying to relax as the egg retrieval approaches!  Tomorrow is the big day!  We have to be at the hospital in the morning at 7am. 
We will know when we leave the hospital how many eggs were retrieved during the procedure.  I'm pretty nervous and excited, all at once!  Thank God I've got JP!!!

Trigger night.....

Tonight I have to have my "trigger shot" at exactly 9pm.  This medication is for helping the eggs mature for retrieval.  The next step after this is to have my eggs retrieved on Thursday.  We have to be at the hospital at 7am for this, so we are staying in Overland Park tomorrow night.
We will know Thursday before we leave how many eggs were retrieved.  They will then call us Friday to let us know how many have been fertilized.  After that, they will call me every day to tell me how many make it to the next day, until Tuesday, when we will have the embryos transferred back into my uterus.
We thank everyone who has been praying and supporting us!  It is greatly appreciated!!

The Baker's Dozen.....

I had my appointment this morning with the RE for my ultrasound and lab work.  I haven't gotten my lab results back yet but the ultrasound showed 13 follicles!!  That is so amazing!!!!  The follicles that were present on Friday have more than quadrupled in size since then!  There are 2 follicles that are pretty small and the nurse didn't think they would have eggs inside.  It is unlikely that all 13 follicles will hold eggs.  My ovaries are working so hard because of the hormones that are stimulating them that they will actually make empty sacs, in an attempt to produce as many eggs as possible, as they respond to the medications. 
I am anxiously waiting for the nurse to call me with my final medication instructions and details for the egg retreival.  She will also tell me for sure when they plan on doing the egg retrieval.  She said Friday that she thought we would be harvesting the eggs on Wednesday, which I'm hoping for!  I'm getting uncomfortable and ready to move on.  I'm not complaining, just sharing information!  :)

And there were 11.........

Today's appointment went so well!  My nurse found 6 follicles on my right ovary, most fairly large and 5 more on my left ovary!!!  I was shocked and the nurse was also surprised!  Some of the follicles on the left were smaller in size, but for my ovaries to have responded in this way is simply amazing!! 
Now, what you need to know is that not every follicle will have an egg inside it.  I would imagine that some of the smaller follicles, especially in the left, will be empty.  The nurse said that several of the follicles on the right looked good, which was encouraging to me.
I can not get over the fact that there are 11 follicles!  When we did this the first time, 2 years ago, I only had 9 follicles which became 6 eggs at "harvest time".  I was fully prepared to have fewer follicles this time.  In fact, I prayed as I waited for the nurse to come in and do the scan and asked God for 5-7 follicles.  I feel so blessed!
The nurse said at this point, the plan is to proceed with egg retrieval on Wednesday.  I will go back Monday for another set of labs and a another scan to monitor my follicles and verify that we will be doing egg retrieval on Wednesday.  When they retrieve the eggs, I will be sedated, like a surgery.  They use a needle vaginally to aspirate the eggs from the follicles in the ovaries.  I will be on bed rest for a few days after, to recover from the surgery. 
When they remove the eggs, they will fertilize them with the sperm immediately.  They directly fertilize the eggs by injecting the sperm into each egg.  The embryologist will call me that afternoon to tell me how many eggs have been successfully fertilized.  They will then call me every day after that to let us know how many eggs "make it" from one day to the next.
At day 5, the embryo is known as a blastocyst.  This is when they will transfer the embryos back into my uterus.  In nature, the embryo reaches the top of the uterus at day 5, and research has shown that tranferring the embryos at day 5 is most successful.  I will be on bed rest again for a few days after embryo transfer, just to relax and allow the embryo(s) to "dig in" and get attached.
Our pregnancy test will be 8 loooooong days after transfer!!   It's the longest week of my life, waiting to take that pregnancy test!
I will continue to post as I get updates and information, but I thought I would give you a glimpse of what the next couple weeks are going to be like for us.  So far, I really don't feel terrible.  I'm very uncomfortable because of the bloating from my ovaries making so many eggs, but I'm not complaining!  I'll take this uncomfortable feeling as long as necessary if it means I will get to have a baby!

Tuesday's results....

I went for my first set of labs to verify that the fertility drugs are working like they should.  Both my progesterone and estradiol have risen significantly to indicate my ovaries are responding appropriately, thus far.  In fact, my doses will be decreased after Thursday night's injections, which I take as good news.  If my ovaries weren't responding correctly, they might have to increase my medications, but since the dr is having me decrease the meds after Thursday, that means I'm right on track!
I go Friday morning to have my next set of labs drawn and my first ultrasound to check and see how many eggs I am making.  I'm getting so excited!  I told my friend who rode with me today that I have accepted that I'm not going to make a dozen eggs but I'm still hoping for at least 6, which is how many I had the 1st time we did this.  Positive, positive, positive, that's how we're thinking!
I told Jon last night that I had to be responding to the meds because I feel bloated already.  When the nurse called to give me my new instructions, I told her I felt like I've drank 5 2 liter bottles of soda!  She thought that was funny!  I may have to break out the stretch pants sooner than I thought! LOL

Here we go!

I started the fertility shots this evening.  I was prepared to feel overwhelmed and get anxious about it, so I started getting everything together about 15 minutes before it was time to give myself the shots.  I had to give myself 3 shots, total, in my belly which included 4 medications.  After the first 2 shots, I told JP that I wasn't sure I'd be able to give myself the 3rd.  I looked in the living room where he was sitting in his chair and saw him covering his eyes with his hands!  I said, "What are you doing?"  To which he replied, "Honey, I can't watch you do that!"  Who knew this big, tough country boy would wimp out on me over this!!!!
Hopefully, he will get over this pretty quick because it may be a long 2 weeks if I have to give myself all of these shots on my own!!  I'm fine when I'm aiming the needle at someone else, but there's something unnerving about having to hurt yourself.  I'm completely fine with someone else giving me my shots.  I may have to enlist the help of a nurse friend to get through these shots in my abdomen!
My next appointment is Tuesday when I will just have labs drawn.  I'm not looking forward to driving 4 hours just to have my blood drawn, but that's just part of the deal and we knew that going into this deal.  The results from Tuesday's test will determine whether or not the dr will need to increase any of the medications I'm taking.  I will know by Tuesday afternoon and then I will have to order more medication to get through the rest of the week.
I'm excited and nervous as we move along in this process.  I'm ready to make some eggs!!!

Today's update.....

The suppression scan went well today.  My ovaries are "quiet" which means the meds I've been taking are working.  Now we move onto the stimulation phase, which means I start injections tomorrow morning.  I will start a medication called lupron tomorrow, with injections twice daily, 12 hours apart.  Then Sunday night, I will start the 2 fertility drugs, along with a low dose hcg injection and the lupron.  This will mean I will have 1 injection in the morning and then 12 hours later, 3 injections of fertility hormones in the evening, along with the steroids and baby aspirin.
When we started this journey 2 years ago, I remember having all the medications spread out on the dining room table and being so overwhelmed that I cried!  I told Jon that it was a huge responsibility to have the potential life of our child resting in my hands, hoping I can keep all this straight.  Being ever supportive, he simply said, "Honey, you're a nurse.  You do this everyday.  You are definitely smart enough to get all this right."
I have ordered all the medication that I need to get through Tuesday, when I have my next appointment for labs.  After we get the results, they will let me know if I need to adjust any dosages, then I will order the rest of the meds.
I don't feel as overwhelmed this time as I have in the past, but maybe that's because I've done this before and know what to expect.  I also think a lot of my anxiety was related to never having given myself shots before and I'm kind of a professional at it by now!  So far, all of these injections will be in my abdomen, which hurts less than the ones in my hip.  They still hurt, just not as much.  And, I can give myself shots in my belly.  I'm not brave enough to try shots in my hip on my own!
So, here goes nothing!  Tomorrow we move to the next level and start preparing my body for making eggs!  I think it's funny that this is happening at Easter!!!!

hmmmmmmm.......

So, I awoke today to several voicemails from fertility pharmacies and my hubby.  I guess they didn't have my phone number listed as the primary number, so they called him to set up payment and delivery for the medications I have to start this weekend.  The problem with that is, because of HIPAA laws, they can't tell him anything except that they need to speak with me "regarding a personal matter".  Needless to say, he was worried because the RE and the pharmacies had called him but wouldn't tell him anything.  This whole process can be so nerve racking that even a mix up with phone numbers can cause you to be upset! 
After I got all the meds ordered.....and paid for, they will be delivered in time for me to start my injections Friday.  I have an appointment tomorrow for my suppression scan, which is done to ensure that the meds up to this point have suppressed my system so it can be SUPER stimulated!!  If everything looks ok on the ultrasound tomorrow, I will start some of the injections Friday then the others on Sunday.  So, look out!!  I am about to be pumped full of hormones and steroids!!
I always get nervous before an appointment because so much rides on how well things go.  I'm having trouble winding down so I can go to bed tonight.  Plus, these steroids really mess with my sleep habits.  I haven't slept all night since I started them and if you know me at all, you know that usually once I'm asleep a tornado can't wake me, to quote my mother!  I'm not complaining though because I know all of this is leading to a good result.  I am maintaining my positive attitude and pray almost constantly.  In fact, I realized I was praying today while I was painting the trim in the dining room! I guess there are far worse ways to allow my mind to wonder, right?
Thanks to everyone for your prayers for us throughout this journey.  We definitely need it!!  Especially after I start all these injections....

Today's roller coaster ride....

At my appointment today, my RE told me that due to the results of my AMH levels, she did not recommend we proceed with in vitro.  She suggested we use donor eggs, if this is the avenue with which we wish to proceed.  I was in complete shock!  I was totally devastated and could not believe what I was hearing!!  She basically told me that my dream of having my own child was not going to happen.
She asked if donor eggs is something I would consider and I tearfully replied, "I really want to have my own baby."  She then went on to say that she could talk with the other doctors in the practice and see if they would agree to allow us to proceed, then let us know.   She felt that she was ethically responsible for ensuring we are aware that our chances for success are lower based solely on this particular lab value.
My dear friend went with me, thank God, and she was prepared to drive me home.  We were in the car, headed back home and I was talking on the phone with Jon, telling him what the dr said when my call waiting beeped.  The dr. called me herself to say that the other doctors agreed to allow us to proceed since I am an established patient with a history of a successful pregnancy.  We then turned right around and went back to have the original tests done that I was scheduled for.
In just a matter of minutes, I was given the worst possible news for our desire to have a family, then to be told, "nevermind, come on back"....the range of motions I experienced in that short of time are so hard to describe!!  I went from devastation to elation with anxiety, sadness and fear all in between!!
I had to wait a little while for the tests since I got put on the end of the list, which was fine with me, given the circumstances.  After doing a baseline ultrasound for measurements, the dr. did a uterine measurement which is extremely uncomfortable and causes cramping.  This is a guide for determining how far to insert the catheter when transferring the embryos later.
She then proceeded to the SHG, which is a saline ultrasound that measures uterine fibroids and causes HORRIBLE cramping!!  Apparently, I forgot to breath for a bit and had what is called a "vasovagal response" which means I almost passed out and got sick!  Such a traumatic day for me, body and soul!!  Of course, I had to rest for a bit before I could get up and dressed, but I feel fine now. 
I have decided I am going to remain positive throughout this journey and not second guess what happens.  Since this level has never been tested on me before, it's quite possible that has been part of the reason for my infertility all along.  There's really no way of knowing this for sure, but I feel like it makes sense.  I also think that the dr wanted to make sure that we are aware of the decreased expectations and not be surprised when I don't make 15 eggs.
So, this is why today has been a roller coaster ride for us.  I'm praying that this is the end of the extremes for us.  I know this will not be easy, I just pray I have the strength to deal with this, day by day, or in today's case, minute by minute.

Anxious...

I have had a hard time sleeping the last couple nights in preparation for this appointment today.  I'm so glad I have a friend going with me for support!  I just can't shake the feeling that it will be bad news.  Staying positive is so much easier said than done, I know.
I did talk with my PCP yesterday and he shared some insight with me that I hadn't thought of yet.  He was funny because he said, "You know how this goes."  To which I replied, "When I'm in this section of my life, I'm not a nurse.  I'm just the crazy lady who wants a baby!"  He reminded me that in the circumstances when a lab value directs the course of treatment, it is the physician's responsibility to share that with the patient in order to communicate risks vs. benefits for the plan of treatment.  Like I said, I know all this, but it all completely goes out the window when it comes to me dealing with my infertility!
I have prayed so much in the last couple days, asking God to help us through this portion of the journey.

Unexpected news....

My nurse at the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) called today to say that one of my lab levels was abnormal.  This was quite a shock since I have been communicating with her several times in the past two weeks regarding labs, meds and schedules and I have not heard anything negative.  Apparently, my AMH, which is a hormone used to determine "ovarian reserve" is incredibly low for someone of my age.  This is a fairly new test used by RE's as a guide for invitro planning.  As far as I know, this is the only value that is not within the normal limits range.
The nurse said that the Dr. wants to "meet with me before we proceed any further" so since I already have an appointment Thursday afternoon for tests, I will be meeting with her first before we do any further testing or measurements.
The tone of the conversation was unsettling because it sounded to me like the nurse was saying that since this level is so low, we may not be proceeding with an invitro cycle.  She was very apologetic, like when you deliver bad news to someone.  I have a lot of questions about this and I do not understand how this could have been overlooked until now.
My mom says not to "borrow trouble" and my bestie says this could just be an opportunity for the dr. to lay all the cards on the table and make sure that I am aware of the possibilities for an unsuccessful cycle, just to cover her bases, so to speak.  I'm trying very hard to remain positive right now.  This will definitely be a VERY long wait until Thursday when I meet with the Dr. to find out what the plan is.
I'm so bummed because it seems like every time I get good news about something, it is immediately followed by bad news over something else!!  The phone call from the nurse came about an hour after my mom let me know that my dad had a great report from the dr. today.  Whenever I hear good news, I feel like I'm waiting around for the other shoe to drop........

Save the date.....

I got my schedule from the nurse for when I will be having labs and ultrasounds (scans) and the dates for egg retrieval and embryo transfer.  At this point, we are scheduled to have the egg retrieval on May 5 then embryo transfer on May 10.  Between now and then, I will have several labs done to monitor my hormone levels throughout the process.  Depending on those results, the dr will decide if we are ok to move on to the next step.  In the past, we have had results that weren't what they should have been, so we had to start over.  At the time, I thought that was devastating, but I now know that if everything isn't "just perfect", there's no point in moving on because the process would not be successful. 
This whole process can sometimes seem so surreal.  Since this is our 3rd time doing this, I'm almost a professional at the whole thing.  But I still get emotional and nervous when I think about the amount of responsibility that is placed on me while we go through this.  JP is super supportive and doesn't complain much, despite my moodiness and well, let's just call it plain craziness!  It can be so overwhelming when I look at the calendar from the dr. and see how many things I have to do each day just to prepare my body for this journey.  Just when I think I have come to terms with my infertility, I start to feel sorry for myself and wish I could just accidentally get pregnant, like so many others do.
Maybe that's why I decided to start this blog for this round of our journey.  I feel like I have an outlet to vent without being judged.....thanks for your support!!!

Getting started....

My labs were great!  Yeah!!  Our nurse emailed and said everything looks great and she will send me the calendar tomorrow for medications, labs and dr. appointments.  I am getting excited!  I'm not necessarily looking forward to giving myself shots or being uncomfortable, but I am looking forward to starting our family.  I just know this is it!  This is our time!!!  Keep the prayers coming!  We need all we can get!!

New Beginning

We have decided to start another portion of our fertility journey.  We will have our first set of labs drawn today for another round of in vitro.  As exciting and nerve racking as this whole process can be, we are ready to have a family of our own, whatever it takes!
Thanks for sharing in our journey to building a family!