"Grief is the last act of love we have to give to those we love. Where there is deep grief, there was great love." -- Unknown

I have several things on my heart, many thoughts for today, so bear with me as I sort this out…..July 12, 2012 changed our lives forever by transforming the landscape of our hearts from just 2 adults who loved each other into 2 people who became parents.  What a day that was!  A 22 hour journey across the country that involved delayed flights, missed connections, freak storms, multiple landing attempts, fears faced, tears cried, several bouts of panic, an array of emotions spanning the spectrum of all that was to be felt as we quite literally fought our way to get to our baby.  This day, Jensen’s birthday, seems to bring back all those emotions in waves.  I’ve learned to not scroll all the way down on my “On This Day” reminders, starting in June as it approaches.  The blog posts and Facebook statuses start the uprising of all those things I felt and try as I may to push all of that down, grief still works its way to the surface, despite our best efforts to contain it.  Many of you know what I mean when I say it comes in waves and sometimes you have no idea it is approaching.  Much like a river that rises in the night from flooding rains…..it was rolling along peacefully when you last looked but all of sudden, it’s bank full, near over flowing and roaring with a current you know is sure to swallow you up.  This happened for the first time this year as we were driving to a 4th of July parade…..I have no idea what I was even thinking about that brought this on, in fact, I said so as I was talking to Jon.  But out of nowhere, I began to wonder how he was.  That led to this spiral of questions in my mind as I wondered if he was he going to watch a parade that day?  Did he have a fun red, white and blue shirt to wear?  Would he get to hold a sparkler or throw some snaps?  Does he like watermelon?  Can he swim?  Does he need sunscreen?  Is he hungry?  Is he safe?  Does he feel loved?  I can’t even type all these things without crying as my heart breaks to know the answers to these questions and so much more.  I told Jon that day that although I think of him often, pray for him just as much, I’m never fully prepare for how those thoughts will make me feel as sometimes I am so overcome with grief, even after 5 years that it still has the ability to literally take my breath away.  It’s not every time but the unpredictability of it is what seems to be the most difficult to handle.  I can’t even say that I actually want that to go away because some of you will understand when I say somehow my grief keeps me connected to him and if it’s gone completely, then what will I have left?

Fast forward to yesterday, July 11, 2017, when I was able to (yes, you read that correctly, I said “able to”….I’ll explain in a bit) take Jase to see a pediatric cardiologist at Children’s Mercy hospital in Kansas City.  I discovered he had an irregular heart rhythm the morning of his adenoid removal surgery and when we followed up with his primary doctor, he also discovered a new heart murmur, so that got us a referral to the cardiologists at Children’s Mercy.  In my head, I knew that both of these things are common in littles and usually without incident but in my heart, this is my baby and like most of my nurse mommy friends, I kind of lose all sense of reason when it comes to him!  So, my nerves got the best of me and I found myself praying almost constantly that we would have a good report and he would be healthy.  Back to when I say I was “able” to take him to see the specialist, I mean that I am thankful both of these things were recognized in a controlled environment and not due to an emergent situation.  I am thankful this all took place in less than 3 weeks’ time, from diagnosis to referral to being seen by the cardiologist.  I am thankful that this occurred during the summer, when my job allows me the freedom to deal with these things without rearranging my schedule and that my sister in law, Diane, was able to go with us.  I am thankful that we live close enough to a children’s hospital that this could easily be taken care of in a morning instead of having to travel and plan for days to deal with such things.  I am thankful I have a reliable vehicle to make the 150 mile round trip journey without thinking twice about it.  I’m so incredibly thankful we received a good report from the 3 cardiologists we saw yesterday who agreed that this was all likely related to the obstruction caused by his adenoids and as his body adjusts to them being gone, this is expected to resolve.

One thing is for sure, your life and circumstances will quickly come into perspective if you ever have to make a trip to a children’s hospital!  We, the JP’s, are truly blessed, that’s for sure.  As we rode the elevator down to the parking garage to come home, I became acutely aware that we had a much different diagnosis than most people who were there.  My healthy, active 4 year old was walking to the car for himself and we were going home together.  So many parents leave that place without their babies, some for the time during their stay while they are being cared for and others for good, to make funeral arrangements.  Many parents ride that same elevator up to the hospital, begging God for just one more day with their precious little one and asking for strength to carry on as they try to juggle life while working, caring for other children and navigating the struggles of a sick child.  The severity of all of this was not lost on me yesterday and as walked out to our car in that hot parking garage, I thanked God for all He has blessed us with. 

As we got in the car, I told Diane that I had some panic and feelings of anxiety earlier when we were getting out as I realized how hot it was in the parking garage, with no air moving and the fact that we were what felt like deep in the ground.  She asked if I was claustrophobic and I told her I didn’t realize I was but I guessed so.  After we got home, I was thinking about how I felt so anxious in that parking garage and wondered why it bothered me so much…..then as though I had a visible light bulb over my head that just flickered on, I remembered with clarity the parking garage in Pismo Beach, California, where Jon held me as I could no longer stand while I cried out after the baby boy I had to give back to his birth mother.  And I realized it wasn’t claustrophobia but rather my subconscious remembering the sorrow my heart has tried to overcome since that day.  Its weird how the mind makes these associations for us that we sometimes aren’t really aware of……I knew yesterday would be stressful and today would be sad but I wasn’t prepared for the 2 of them to intertwine, in a parking garage at that.

I’ve kind of been all over the place here, but I did warn you to bear with me.  Today, on Jensen’s 5th birthday, I continue to ask those questions and wonder about him like I do all year long.  I was tearful this morning as I remembered a text conversation I had with Nicole, his birth mother, just a few weeks before he was born.  She had sent me a text, asking if I could wire her money so she could buy her oldest son a birthday cake and a present because she couldn’t afford either of those things.  My heart was broken….who can’t afford a cake mix and frosting from the grocery store with a few candles on top?  I desperately wanted to comply with her request but didn’t want to break any of the rules that had been given to us regarding the exchange of money between us and her.  Not a single birthday of his has passed when I have not spent most of the day wondering if he is being celebrated.  I wonder if he feels like this is his special day and if he goes to bed tonight with a heart full of happiness, completely exhausted from having spent the day surrounded by those who love and treasure him.  I wonder if he has a favorite toy or lovey that he sleeps with.  What’s his favorite show?  Favorite food?  Favorite shirt?  How tall is he?  Does he know his alphabet and can he count to 20?  Did he get to go to preschool?  Will he be ready to start kindergarten this fall?  Does he like his back rubbed when he falls asleep?  Does he snore?  Does he still take naps?  Does he have bad dreams?  Will he ever know about us and how much we love him?  My prayers for him have always been centered on the same things, that he is never hungry or cold, that he is always safe and healthy and that he would know he is precious and loved.  It is so very hard to love someone from a distance, without being able to see them.

I asked Jon last night if he knew what the date was today and of course, he said yes.  Jase piped up and said, “Is tomorrow someone’s birthday? Are we having cake?”  My voice caught in my throat as I tried to quickly sort through what I was thinking and how to answer him.  He can be so perceptive for such a little guy and good grief, I love him for that!  I couldn’t answer him, though…..I didn’t know what to say. How do you say to a 4 year old who is constantly asking for a baby brother that today is the birthday of the boy who would have been our son?  I can’t understand it myself, how can I expect him to?

People have said, when talking about us, “Just think, if you had Jensen, you wouldn’t have Jase.”  While on the face of it, that seems logical, my heart rejects this conclusion and would very much like to live in a world where we have them both….2 brown eyed, rough and rowdy boys, 10 months apart who are inseparable, the best of friends, living each day as an adventure, filled with love for each other, for us and for the family that loves them dearly.  That, my friends, would be the perfect world for me.  Where there are 4 JP’s and our house is overflowing with all things boy!

"On the night you were born, the moon smiled with such wonder that the stars peeked in to see you. And the night wind whispered, 'Life will never be the same again.'"--Nancy Tillman

Three years….wow, this doesn’t seem possible!  That’s 1095 days since we have been parents to this precious bundle of joy!!!  I know it’s cliché but it just went by so fast, I can hardly believe it.  It seems like I just blinked and he went from the chubby little 8 pound bundle to this tall, slim little boy who is full of life and energy.  Most moms get emotional around their child’s birthday as we reminisce those precious moments when our sweet babies entered this world, the first time we laid eyes on them, held them close and drank in their intoxicating scent and saw the joy on the faces of those who saw him or her for the first time.  If your journey to motherhood was even slightly bumpy, you can’t help but think back on those nights spent wondering if you would ever have the chance to experience these incredible joys for yourself.  In looking back on those tearful, sleepless nights, it’s painful and wonderful all at the same time.  The hurt is like a bruise….if you push on it, you remember it’s there, but you are easily distracted by the joy that has now filled your heart with this tiny person whose life is now an extension of your own.

For the past three years at this time, I have been reminded of the overwhelming power of a mother’s love.  I always knew this was an incredible force that could not be compared to anything, and despite my friends warning me that it would hit me like a tidal wave, I was still not prepared for the intensity of this emotion and bond.  I did not carry my son. I did not feel him move inside my womb. I did not have 9 months to nourish and bond with him.  I did not have any labor pains.  I did not see his first breath or hear his first cry.  I was not the first person to touch him, hold him or feed him.  I was not even the first person to love him……the overwhelming power of a mother’s love is exactly what brought my son to me.  I cannot think about my son’s birthday without thinking about the woman who so selflessly gave him the gift of life and in turn, gave me the gift of the greatest love humanly possible. 

Mother’s Day is only a few days before my son’s birthday and it used to be one of the toughest days of the year for me.  In fact, this time 5 years ago, we had just gotten the negative results from our last round of invitro and I was devastated.  I knew in the moments after that phone call that this was not the end of our journey but I had no idea what the next 2 years would bring us.  We went through the absolute worst of circumstances before we were chosen by Jase’s birth mother.  And then, our lives were forever changed by one woman who chose life, for Jase and for us.

Anyone who has children can relate to how our lives have been changed over the past 3 years.  We have swapped tv murder mysteries for Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.  We used to throw on our shoes and leave the house without a plan or a timeline.  Now, we don’t leave without a night-night, sucker, sippy cup, pull-ups and a change of clothes!  Our conversations are focused around questions like, “When did he pee last?” or “Has he pooped today?” or “How many boxes of raisins did you eat?!”  Our tidy house is now cluttered with trains, tractors, and trucks.  We laugh at the most hilarious antics of a now 3 year old that I’m certain most people wouldn’t even smile about!  And we absolutely love how much this sweet boy has changed our lives, our focus and our priorities! 

Last night, while talking about how fast the last 3 years have seemed to have flown by, I told JP that if we have learned nothing else from our journey to family, we have learned that there are very few things in this life that we can control.  And sometimes, the thing that we seem to have the least control over becomes the part of our lives we love the most!!  I am so genuinely serious when I say, don’t waste a moment to enjoy your children.  I used to roll my eyes when people would say, “Don’t blink, they grow up fast!” Now I know it is the absolute truth!  And you never know when it will be the last time…….the last time you rock your baby to sleep, the last time you are asked to read just one more story, the last time you get to carry your sleeping child to bed, the last time they ask you to play with them, the last time they want to hold your hand or just sit near you, the last time they think you know everything and are stronger than anyone on earth.  I’m not sharing sage words of new found advice, I’m just reminding you that their lives are too short to be so busy you don’t savor every moment of their childhood.  After all, there are only 940 Saturdays from birth until they leave for college.  It’s our job to spend them wisely!

"Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we are here for something else besides ourselves." -- Eric Sevareid

There are many clichés out there that really strike a nerve with me.   If you have ever spent any time talking to me, you are probably aware of this and might even be rolling your eyes as you read, thinking, “Here she goes again!”  Most of those little sayings are used by seemingly harmless people who are genuinely trying to encourage you.  Usually, what happens instead is those words are turned into swords that pierce the heart of the very one they were intended to heal.  I won’t list all of the little snippets that drive me mad (that’s a post for another day, I think) but one word used in many phrases that I would like to focus on today is time.  People often say, “Time heals all wounds.” or “It gets better with time.”  Let me tell you, when you are in the eye your hurricane of tragedy and grief, time is the last thing you want to think about!  You are completely aware that as time passes, you are farther and farther away from the last TIME you heard that loved ones voice, felt their touch, drank in the scent of their warm skin or just knew that they were here, alive and well.  So telling someone who is grieving that it will get better with time, is more painful than helpful.

But then one day, you realize that a lot of time has passed since the last time you were sad or cried and you begin to appreciate how cathartic the passage of time can be.  I know I have used this quote before in a blog, although for the life of me, I couldn’t find it this morning when I was looking through old posts.  I feel like this sums it up best…..

“It has been said ‘Time heals all wounds’.  I do not agree.  The wounds remain.  In time, the mind, protecting it’s sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens.  But it is never gone.”  ---  Rose Kennedy

I remember one time when I was about 13 years old and I was trying to understand how the death of a loved one impacted us.  I asked my dad if he still missed his father, who had passed away when my dad was 16 years old.  I don’t believe I will ever forget his answer, although I’m sure this isn’t an exact quote (but he couldn’t tell you if it was, anyway!! J).  He said he never stopped missing him but as he got older, it didn’t hurt as much to think about his dad.  Then he went on to say, as time passed, it was easier to think about good memories and not dwell on the sadness.  I have come to learn that this is so very true, when considering any loss of a loved one.  Although, there is not a clearly defined time frame in which one has to spend to get to this point.  It is as individual as we all are.

So, it’s Christmas.  The magical time of year when the world is lit by those beautiful Christmas lights and we see smiles on children’s faces as they greet Santa and open carefully wrapped gifts.  For some, though, the Christmas season is anything but magical.  If you have ever been suspended in a world of grief during the holiday season, you can relate to this.  While others are out frantically shopping for the perfect gift and cheerfully celebrating with family and friends, those who are grieving are desperately trying to just get through the days ahead, sometimes one moment at a time.  With each Christmas card received, they are reminded of how their family is missing an important piece.  At the very mention of a family gathering, they are both anxious and exhausted as they try to figure out how they will navigate this “new normal” of celebrating without the one they love so dear.

This never goes away……it may only become less difficult, but it never completely goes away and it will never be the same.  I have said before that I feel like part of my purpose and story is to educate others on the adoption process but I also feel a real sense of responsibility to those who are grieving.  I feel as though I should bring some light to that not so familiar territory of how to love on someone who has lost.  A long time ago, I shared with Jon and since then, I have shared with others that if after experiencing our own tragedy, we can help just one person navigate their own loss, at least something good will have come from what we have been through.  I don’t claim to be an expert but, unfortunately, I do have some experience in grief and loss.  I know it’s painful and sometimes ugly but I also know that those who are dealing with it desperately need to be surrounded by those who love and encourage them, especially at Christmas.

So, back to the word time……the measurement of our days on earth.  It is a bitter medicine that has both the ability to dull the sting of our heart’s wounds and remind us that the distance between us and our loved ones who are gone continues to grow.  It never stops.  The days continue to pass, no matter what season of your life you are in.  For some, we wish time would slow so we can take in all the wonders of our daily lives.  Others wish time would hurry so they could experience what they hope to be better days.  Then there are those who just need time, to process, to grieve, to heal, to remember or forget, to learn, to breathe, and to rest.  The amount of time those people may need cannot be measured in days or years and is not for anyone to decide.

No, time does not heal all wounds.  And, yes, it is truly a gift.  This Christmas season I challenge you to reach out to those you know who need some extra love and give them the gift of your time.  Give a hug, send a text, mail a Christmas card.  Be authentic and encouraging in your acknowledgement of their loss.  It may be tough for you but I guarantee, it doesn’t compare to how uncomfortable they are feeling during this time.  Your genuine demonstration of compassion will be treasured and could be just what they are needing at that particular moment as they work through this season.

Merry Christmas to you and yours! 

"Keep looking up, that's the secret of life." Snoopy

I have been asked several times recently by people dear to my heart how I was able to stay positive or keep my faith during our journey to a family, especially when it seemed like it would never happen.  I’d like to say it was easy….I’d love to tell others that I trusted God completely, every minute of the lengthy process but I can’t.  The truth is, it was hard.  Most days were filled with doubt and fear that we would never hold our precious baby in our arms.  In fact, as I look back over the more than 5 years it took us to get to Jase, I had more days of uncertainty than belief that God would bring us to our family.  The only thing I knew for sure was that I had an inexplicable desire and passion to be a mother, to put one foot in front of the other and take another step, to keep trying. 

After 3 rounds of in vitro with only one pregnancy that ended by nearly taking my life along with it and a failed adoption that shattered us in more pieces than we could ever imagine, we were broken.  Plain and simple, we were changed to our very core, no longer the same people who started this journey with an overwhelming 3 hour appointment at the fertility doctor’s office.  Unfortunately, there are things that happen to us that we can never completely come back from.  I remember saying to JP just before I was taken into emergency surgery because my fallopian tube had ruptured, taking our baby with it and I was bleeding profusely, “I’ll never be able to come back from this.” And I remember saying exactly the same thing to him again, when I held our sweet baby Jensen in my arms as we got ready to walk out onto the sidewalk and hand him over to his birth mother.  I knew I would be forever changed after the magnitude of both of those losses.  What I didn’t know at the time was that those losses were so huge for me because they were my first glimpse of motherhood, what my soul had been longing for.  I have experienced the loss of loved ones and it is tragic, to say the least.  But feeling like you have finally received that which your heart has longed for, only to have it slip through your hands like running water is truly indescribable and changes the very fiber of your being.

So, how did I go on?  How did we make the decision to take another chance, to gamble on hope, to literally put everything we have into one more try?  Did I think people were going to think we were crazy?  Was there ever a guarantee that we would get the results we wanted?  These are questions that have been posed to me recently.   I can answer a few without reservation, for example, I didn’t care what anyone thought!  (I’m pretty sure those of you who know me well can attest to that!)  No, there was never a guarantee with either in vitro or adoption. Both options were high risk with high stakes and no promise of return, as you all well know.  As far as how we knew to keep going, that can only be explained by our passion to pursue our hearts desire.  We took “breaks” along the way to regroup but our goal never changed in the meantime. 

There were times when I was so angry that I refused to even pray.  I was so mad at God for letting all of these things happen to us that I couldn’t even stand to acknowledge Him.  And then there were times that my anger turned to rage and I said things to God that I am so ashamed of now.  Thankfully, God is big enough to handle our anger and brokenness.  It’s like God sees us in our ridiculous, child-like, fit throwing state, puts His hands up like all of us parents have done and says, “Ok, I’ll give you your space but I’m not leaving.  I’m right over here when you’re ready to talk again.” 

I wasn’t faithful during this whole journey, I sort of fluctuated between asking God for favors and blaming him for my hard times.  I was like the bad kid who only wants to talk to her parents when she needs something or it’s convenient or its expected.  I wish I could say differently, I so wish I could tell you that I spent so much time in prayer that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God would bring us through this, making us stronger as a family and bring us to Jase.  But I’m human and sometimes not a very good one, at that. 

After our failed adoption, which for most people would have been the last straw, I decided I was going to learn all I could about the grieving process and teach myself how to heal.  That’s not really how it works, but that’s what I set out to do.  I read books, participated in on-line chat groups for adoption loss, saw a counselor, wrote my blog and waited patiently, for the first time in this journey.  And I had a moment, a time that became a turning point for me in January 2013.  I had the stomach flu and was sicker than I thought I had ever been and was praying “Jesus, please don’t let me puke!”  (I hate to throw up, so this is pretty much my standard nauseated prayer….)  As I was recovering, I thought it was odd that I would so fervently ask God to keep me from vomiting but I had never put such urgency in praying for my baby or his birth mother.  It was then and there that I made a decision to pray with everything I had for our baby and his birth mother.  It became a rehearsed prayer that I would say almost continuously, if I wasn’t talking out loud….I know, hard to believe!  I don’t think the timing of this was a coincidence because, as you all know, we got the call telling us we had been chosen by Jase’s birth mother the very next month.  Isn’t that awesome??!!

So, I say all of that to say this…..I didn’t stay positive and I rarely was sure that what we were doing would end well.  I certainly didn’t stay faithful throughout the entire journey, either.  But I do know when I wasn’t, there were others who were.  When I couldn’t pray, there were people who love me who did.  When I was beside myself with grief and discouraged beyond measure, the people who love me had kind words or Dr. Pepper or chocolate to bring me comfort.  I don’t have all the answers, heck, I don’t have very many answers at all….but I have learned a lot about myself along the way.   And I learned that no matter how far we go, how angry we get, how hopeless we feel or how ridiculous we may act, God’s grace is enough for us when we need it most and deserve it least!  Sometimes, we just have to put our faith in the process, painful as it may be and wait for what lies ahead.  I know that’s easy for me to say now that I’m on the other side of waiting but spent a really long time waiting, so I think I can say that with sincerity and not sound like a cliché.  I’ve said this before and I’m sure I’ll say it again, if the knowledge I’ve gained along the way is helpful to others, then I will gladly share what I’ve learned to make someone else’s life easier!

And now I must go get my baby up from his nap….that’s right, my baby, my sweet, handsome, funny little guy who is the light of my life and the reason for the smile on my face!!

"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart. I'll stay there forever." - Winnie the Pooh

I woke up this morning feeling anxious, with tightness in my chest unsure as to why I was feeling this way.  I lay still, listening for Jase to hear if he was crying only to hear the rhythmic sounds of 2 sleeping fellas and a couple ceiling fans clicking.  I did a mental checklist of my things to do, wondering if I forgot something important…..nothing seemed to be out of order.  So, I grabbed my ipad  on the nightstand and thought I would enjoy the peace and quiet of a Saturday morning before everyone got up.  I had a text message from a sweet friend with encouraging words and I read it 2 times before I remembered what today is.  I’ve dreaded today and what it is all week.  I don’t know how I could have forgotten, even for the brief few minutes that my sleepy mind was unaware.   My heart had not forgotten, it woke me up with a pounding that made me think something was wrong.  I lay there staring at these kind words from a dear friend and quietly cried because something is wrong….

Today is Jensen’s 2^nd birthday.  I can’t help but wonder about all that could have been and the “what if’s” that this day brings to mind.  It’s weird how even after 2 whole years, not a day goes by that I don’t wonder and worry about him.   Almost 2 months ago we celebrated Jase’s birthday and I’ll admit, it was an extravagant affair!  We went all out and celebrated him and his first year in style!  I wouldn’t have had it any other way.  I was thinking about this as I lay in bed this morning and wondered if Jensen will have a birthday party today.  Most of you are probably shaking your head and thinking, “Now, Jaime, I’m sure he’s going to have a birthday party.” But then again, most of you don’t know about the conversations I had with his mother, who text me asking if I could wire her money to buy a birthday cake for her older son.  I’m certain that her circumstances haven’t changed in these past 2 years, so being concerned over this is completely valid.  And who doesn’t have money for a birthday cake?! 

And if he doesn’t have a birthday cake, does he have new shoes for the summer?  Does he have swim trunks to play in the water?  Does he have a blanket or a favorite stuffed animal or toy?  Does he still have the stuffed cow we gave him as he was taken out of our arms and ripped from our lives?  Does he go to bed every night with a full belly in a warm bed knowing he will be loved forever?  Will he ever know how much we love him and how our hearts still ache to know he is safe?  Will we ever see him again and get to tell him that although we weren’t allowed to be his forever parents, he gave us the greatest gift of experiencing the love of a parent for the first time?  Will he grow to be a strong, kind, hard-working man who loves God and his family?  These are the questions that keep me up some nights and keep a part of my heart broken.

When people hear our story, sometimes they say things like “It just wasn’t meant to be” or “But look at Jase and how wonderful he is”.  None of this helps me feel any better.   Am I supposed to forget about this precious boy that I held to my chest and loved instantly?  Am I not supposed to worry for him and pray he has all the things he needs and gets all the love he deserves?  Anyone who is a mother knows you simply can’t turn those instincts off just because you no longer see your child.  It’s not the same but the only thing I can think to compare it to is when your child grows up and goes off to college.  Essentially, your job as a parent is complete but as my parents have told me and I know understand, just because your child isn’t living with you, doesn’t mean you will ever stop worrying about them and praying that they are safe and happy and making good choices.  Just because Jensen isn’t physically with us, doesn’t mean we aren’t concerned for him and his well-being.  And quite honestly, if my phone rang today and someone said, “Nicole has decided she wants you be Jensen’s parents.”  I would drop everything again, throw some clothes in a bag, give JP a plane pill, buckle Jase in his car seat and head to the airport to fly to California.  I would bring this boy home in heart beat if I had the chance.  I think a tiny part of me will always be waiting for him and I think I will miss him forever.  Even after 2 years, there are still times when I think of him and suddenly it gets hard to breath, like the air is too thick for my lungs and my heart hurts because I can’t breathe through the tears that well up in my eyes.

Everyone has gone through something that has changed them in a way that they could never go back to the person they once were.  This was our thing……this changed us both, forever.  Two years ago today, we were on what we can all agree would be the worst travel experience EVER, trying our absolute best just to get to this sweet baby!  We were anxious, excited, full of anticipation and hope as we made our way to California and what we thought would be our baby boy.  I will never forget seeing him for the first time, gasping with tears at his innocent beauty and watching JP hold him, ever so gently and basking in the joy of that moment that we had waited so long to experience.  Sometimes I try to remember every second I had with him, just to make sure that time hasn’t let me forget anything.  I’ve said this before and as ridiculous as it sounds, even if I knew how it was going to end, I would do it all over again.  I can’t say that I can make sense of all this pain but I know how wonderful it felt to hold him and kiss him and even though it hurts beyond explanation, it was also the greatest feeling I had experienced up to that point in my life.  He changed us, being his parents for 5 days made us different people.  Maybe not to a degree that was noticeable to anyone else but he changed our hearts forever and at that moment, we knew we could never go back to just being us.  We knew we were made to be parents and refused to give up on that!  Little did we know that the baby boy who would be ours forever would bring us joy beyond measure and heal our broken hearts like no one else could.

I can’t take credit for this quote but I I have to share it because I think it sums this up perfectly.   

“To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever.  The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes…….this hole in your heart is in the shape of the one you lost, no one can fit it.” – Jeanette Winterson

We will always have a “Jensen shaped hole” in our hearts.  We will always miss him, love him, worry and pray over him.  He is a part of who we are and there will always be a little piece of our hearts in California with him, our golden nugget.  So happy 2^nd birthday, sweet boy!  We are celebrating here as best we can without you by holding each other tight and remembering what you gave to us.  I just wish there was a way for you to know just how much you are loved by these 2 people whose lives you changed forever…….

"More than any other human relationship, overwhelmingly more, motherhood means being instandly interruptible, responsive and responsible." -- Tillie Olsen

One year ago today, we got on a plane and headed to Florida for the trip of a lifetime!  We could not stand to wait at home for another day, so we packed up and flew south to wait for our son, Jase.  A whole year has passed since we left our home for the last time as just a couple.  365 days ago, I nervously answered a phone call from Leah who said she thought something was going on but wasn’t sure if it was labor.  That’s 8,760 hours…….525,600 minutes……31,536,000 seconds…..so much has happened since then!  Jase finally decided to make his appearance into this world.   We got to leave the hospital as a family of 3.  We had to stay in a hotel for a week with a newborn while we waited to get the clearance to come home.  We flew home 2,000 miles with a week old baby and learned how to change a poopy diaper on an airplane!  We got to sleep in our own bed with our sweet baby beside us.  We celebrated each month birthday like it was a holiday.  We survived all our post-placement home study visits. We got to take our baby to the State Fair.  We sat at our kitchen table and had our adoption finalized via speakerphone.  We celebrated with over 100 friends and family at our Forever Day celebration!  We had our first Halloween!  We celebrated a “half birthday” during deer season.  We finally had our first Christmas morning with our sweet baby boy to open presents!  I finally got to dress a baby in a Valentine’s Day & St. Patrick’s Day outfit! We survived our first baby hospitalization, barely!  We lived through going back to work, the first teeth, learning to crawl, the first bump on the head and his first temper tantrum.  We celebrated the first time he rolled over, the first time he sat up, his first laugh, his first word, his first “trick” and his first swing in the back yard.  It’s all so surreal.  I know it’s cliché but sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago and sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday.  So much has been crammed into the past year that I’m afraid I’ll forget all of it.  I don’t want to forget how awesome I felt the first time he looked up at me and smiled or how amazing it was the first time he slept all night.  I don’t want to forget the pure magic of the first time he laughed when I tickled him or how precious it was the first time he got excited when Daddy came home.  I want to always remember how wonderful it was the first time he reached over and patted my arm after he woke up and said, “Mamamamama”.  I’ve written everything down on the calendar so we’ll never forget what day he first ate cereal and when he first pulled up on Daddy’s chair.  But I know we get so busy living our lives that we don’t take the time to reflect on those priceless memories we make along the way.

Recently, I was interviewed by our local newspaper for a spotlight on motherhood.  They wrote about our whole story, from the very beginning.  This journey that we have been on since 2008, shortly after we got married, when we decided to try to have a baby has been long, to say the least.  There have definitely been more lows than highs along the way and there were several times when it seemed like this day would never come, that we would never be planning a first birthday party in 5 days!  As I reflected on our journey during the interview last week, I began to realize that there were plenty of “reasonable opportunities” for me to give up and just say, “I quit, I’m done trying to make this happen.”  Honestly, there were moments when I doubted this day would come but I can’t remember a time when I thought we shouldn’t keep trying, doing everything we could to bring a baby home. I can’t remember exactly when I read this quote but it sums up everything so well.   “Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it.  The time will pass anyway."  --  Earl Nightingale.  Jase is our dream and it took a long time to get here but the time would have passed anyway.  We never gave up, we may have had our doubts about the process but we always knew we would be a family.  What we didn’t know was that Jase would be so perfect and being his parents would be even better than we could have ever dreamed. 

Before I was a Mommy, I can remember my friends talking about their kids and how much they love them.  I can specifically remember being told on more than one occasion by various women that the love you have for your child is so all-encompassing that sometimes, especially with a first child, it can be frightening just how consuming it can be.  I remember thinking about how much I love my niece and nephew and wondering if it could possibly be more intense than that.  I was shocked to learn that the love of a mother is so much more than I was prepared for, more than I thought was even possible.  I honestly had no idea what it was like and I don’t think I can even come up with right words to describe it.  The love I have for Jase is so powerful that I would do anything for him without a second thought and so extreme that I literally mean anything! I know this isn’t news to any of you mothers reading this but for this first time Mommy, it has been a year of wonder as I learn to deal with the shear force of this astounding emotion known as a mother’s love.

As I’m preparing for a very awesome and I might say, over the top first birthday party, I wanted to share some of the humorous things I have learned over the past year as I have experienced being the mother of an infant boy.  In all it’s marvel, it has definitely had its entertaining moments along the way!  For those of you who are already mothers, enjoy these comical realizations.   And for those of you who aren’t yet a mommy, don’t judge……you just wait!!!

1.        All boys love boobies, even newborns and especially those baby boys who have been nursed!  (That’s a blog for another day!! J)

2.       Once those boobies are no longer used for nourishment, baby boys use them for comfort or as in Jase’s case right now, a place to store his “keepsakes”, like toys or pacifiers!!

3.       You learn quickly that you no longer care if you have on make up or have done your hair.  Brushing your teeth on some days is a luxury that you relish!!

4.       You will leave the house in your house shoes or partially dressed at least once in your baby’s first year of life……hopefully, you’ll realize this before you get to your destination!  If not, just say, “I have a baby” and shrug your shoulders.  All other mothers will totally understand!!

5.       As with #3, you will learn that on some days bathing is an option/luxury that you won’t have time to participate in but you will only sigh and shrug your shoulders (again) because you will at least have gotten to brush your teeth!!

6.       You realize at some point that you will never be on time to any destination ever again, unless you’re in your pajamas and haven’t showered!!

7.       That one rare occasion when you do have to be somewhere but you don’t have to get your child ready, you will arrive uncharacteristically early and everyone will be shocked and ask what’s going on!

8.       You will suddenly and without warning become acutely aware of the bowel habits of this tiny creature and be able to recall at any moment when the last poop was, what it looked like and whether or not it was “a good one”.

9.       You will also notice yourself talking about said bowel habits with other people who may or may not be interested but you won’t even care because you’re talking about your sweet, perfect baby!!

10.   You realize that leaving the house with just your debit card and driver’s license is probably never going to happen again….as you carry almost everything you own to Wal-Mart for some milk, diapers and Kleenex.

11.   Going out to eat is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy more work than it’s worth and you’re totally fine with your husband bringing home a pizza or take out, a lot.

12.   You will never know tired until you’ve been up all night with a sick baby.  It’s a whole new level of exhaustion.

13.   About 6 weeks into this motherhood thing, you don’t even remember what it was like to sleep longer than 4 hours at a time and you realize you’re okay with that!

14.   You will wonder how on earth you used to stay up all night for fun because you would give your left pinky toe for 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, alone, with no one touching you….until you realize that would mean someone else would be in charge and then you think, “ehhhh, sleep is over rated.”

15.   At some point, it’s different for each of us, you come to terms with the fact that everyone has an opinion about babies and feels free to share that with you, often times unsolicited.  You will develop a rehearsed response for this like the slight head tilt with a nod and half smile or a “gosh, I sure didn’t know that” reply and then go on your merry way because let’s face it, you’ve got this!

16.   Around oh say 6-8 months or so, you will find that you no longer notice when you have snot, spit up or food on your clothes.  It’s just not even that big of a deal anymore!

17.   It doesn’t matter what any book says, when your baby is ready for something, like eating solids, starting to eat meat, drinking from a cup, quitting the paci or sleeping in his own room, you will know.  Trying to force something on a baby is like trying to baptize a cat!!!

18.   Talking with your mommy friends about your exhaustion, frustration, joys, firsts and generally anything baby will be the most therapeutic and validating thing you can possibly do for yourself.  You’re not alone, everyone is tired and no one thinks their husband does enough to help. 

19.   To go along with #18, you will learn that the saying “sleep like a baby” is so ridiculous and it should really be “sleep like a husband”!!!!

20.   Nothing and I mean nothing will prepare you for when you have to leave your baby, either to go back to work, overnight or for any other reason.  Although these may be necessary, they will all be hard and don’t worry what anyone thinks about how you deal with it.  Leaving your baby is no fun but the good news is, you will both survive!

21.   Lastly, having a baby changes you, physically, mentally, emotionally and financially.  Most of these changes you are not prepared for but once you realize why they all occurred you will notice a huge stupid grin on your face because this sweet baby is the reason you are exhausted, broke, cry during most news stories and sometimes have difficulty putting the right words together to form a coherent sentence.  It may seem grueling at times but you know that it’s all absolutely, totally, 100% worth it!!!

No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted. -- Aesop

It has occurred to me that I have not written a bog post in several months.  There have been a few times while doing dishes, making baby food, folding laundry, changing a diaper or rocking my sweet baby to sleep that I have thought, I should write something.  That quickly turns into an inner dialogue which includes questions like, what will I write about?  What should my topic be when I now have everything I ever wanted?  Should I write about Jase’s milestones?  Does anyone want to read about that?  Wow, my life literally revolved around our pursuit to become a family…..is that selfish????

I remember that about this time last year I had posted that I would be doing an Intentional Act of Kindness for every day of February to celebrate how others have blessed me along the way as I placed my focus on blessing others instead of wallowing in my self-pity as I turned another year older.  I have tried to continue that same plan this year (with the exception of the recent snow days) because I truly believe it was no coincidence that once I was able to take my focus off my grief and place it on finding ways to bless others, then we received the wonderful phone call letting us know we had been chosen by Leah.  Funny how those things tend to work out that way, huh?

So, it’s February again and I’m typing this while I listen to Jase squeal over pulling off his own sock.  I may not have had anything profound to say before now but I don’t think that’s a terrible thing.  For so long, we faced bad news and tragedy and while dealing with all of that, I knew that one day we would have our happiness; we would have our family to celebrate.  And that is just what I have been doing!  I have reveled in every first that Jase had experienced and have taken thousands of pictures, literally!  We have had our first Thanksgiving and Christmas.  We have held our breath while Jase sat up for the first time and just last night we stood silently as he got up on all fours not knowing we were watching him.  We tell everyone how he’s pulling up now and it won’t be long before he’s walking!  I have spent hours scouring Pinterest for the perfect first birthday theme (I finally found it this week and I’m STOKED!) and I have mastered the art of making baby food.  We have discovered that going out to eat is a challenge but not as much as trying to get Jase to sleep all night away from home.  We are not in any rush to get him to sleep in his own room and we are both a little sad at the prospect of him not being right beside us all night.  We have learned that if Jase doesn’t burp before he goes to bed, he will be awake 30 minutes after you lay him down.  We know that he likes prunes and beef stew and he does not like peas or wearing a hat!  He gets so excited when his Daddy comes home and he really prefers Mommy to rock him to sleep at night.  He is fascinated by watching the dogs play but not nearly as much as he is when watching the weatherman Brian Busby (it’s the craziest thing I’ve ever seen!).  He likes to sit in front of the coffee table and bang on the front of it with a wooden spoon while squealing like a tiny baby rabbit.  He HATES to be on his belly, period!!  He thinks peek a boo is hilarious and the Donald Duck voice Daddy uses is scary.

I could go on and on but you get my point.  We are thrilled to have the chance to watch our son learn and grow.  We have waited so long for this and we are enjoying every second.  I’m not saying it’s been all smiles and laughter since the day he was born; let’s face it, he’s a baby and his only way of communicating is to cry.  For the most part, he is a happy baby and for that, we are so thankful!  I’ve had my “Mommy moments” when I’ve needed to have some time to myself, like every other mother I know.  But I have known no greater joy than waking up to the most beautiful smile in the world as my baby boy realizes I’m looking at him!  I honestly don’t know what I did all these years without him….sure, my house was cleaner and I was more rested but I wouldn’t trade this lack of sleep and toy cluttered house for anything on earth!

So, if you’re facing a crisis or a rough time, take heart in knowing you will reach the other side and when you get there, you will know you are stronger for whatever you have faced and you will appreciate the mundane, hum drum everyday routine that life can be.  In times of crisis, hold tight to your loved ones who want to help you get through this because when you feel like you can’t pray, they will.  God gives us wonderful people who have hearts filled with his love and want to hold our hands and cry with us as we face tough times.  It’s easy to shut those people out when we are hurting, don’t do it.  Let them bless you and one day, when you are past all this, you can return the favor with an intentional act of kindness from your healed heart.