The next step for us

I had my first day back to work today and to quote my friend Stephanie, “You lived.”  It wasn’t easy and there were a few rough spots in the day.  I was so thankful to have my work friends there with me today, especially when someone who hadn’t heard what happened patted me on the back and said, “Hey Mom.”  I sort of freaked out but my friends handled it for me.  I’m proud to say I work with some pretty amazing people!

When I first started this blog, I had no idea what it would lead to.  I was actually just being lazy and using it as a tool to let our friends and family know what was going on without having to send multiple text messages or emails.  With one fell swoop, I was able to let everyone know what we were doing on our way to having a family while sharing my thoughts and feelings.  I have grown to enjoy writing my postings and have been told by several people that I should write a book.  I don’t feel like I am being inspirational as I write but I am glad that others have found encouragement through my words.  I have come to decide that part of my reason for writing is to educate others about domestic adoption and the process entailed.  There is so much that is involved in all of this that people wouldn’t know otherwise unless we were sharing with everyone.  Not to mention, I have found great comfort in having an outlet to air my feelings with no repercussions.

I write this post tonight on the eve of the anniversary of what we formerly referred to as “the worst day of our lives”.  This is a day that we both have a hard time getting through as we remember how we struggled and I literally fought to live on that day 3 years ago.  I wanted to share a quote from Rose Kennedy as I think about the loss we have experienced.  “It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’  I do not agree.  The wounds remain.  In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens.  But it is never gone.”  This is so very true.  Even in the midst of the devastating loss we have experienced this summer, we remember the pain that we felt that day and the loss that we will never forget, our only pregnancy.  The pain is not as intense but it is still there.  I would imagine that as we continue to heal from the loss of our son, we will feel the same.  A pain that is less intense but still there as a reminder of what we have been willing to do to have a family.

We talked with Carol and Cynthia this week, as planned to try to get a few more answers to our questions.  One of our biggest questions was why there wasn’t a social worker available, especially after we specifically asked for one.  As we already know, adoption laws are different from state to state.  One of the factors regarding those laws is the level of involvement that the adoption social worker plays.  Some states, California included, frown on an adoption social worker being present in the hospital as it can be misunderstood as coercion, should the adoption later be contested by the birth parents.  Now that we know that, we kind of understand but we felt like that should have been better explained to us up front, rather than leaving us feeling like we were being left out in the cold, alone, 2,000 miles from home!

We also wanted to know why the legal documents for Nicole to surrender her parental rights were not signed before she left the hospital.  Unfortunately, as with so much of the situation, the timing of when the relinquishment papers are signed is up to the birth mom.  She decides when she will sign the papers, period.  So, when she said she wanted to sign the day after discharge that is completely acceptable, much to our dismay.  She is allowed to determine how much time she will spend with the baby while in the hospital, whether or not she participates in counseling before and after the birth and whether or not she stays on the maternity floor instead of being transferred to another floor.  As I said before, I feel like this is an avenue for me to provide education to those of you who are following us along this journey.  Hopefully, this will answer some of your questions, as well.  As far as we are concerned, this was not at all how we understood the process to be, so we were very alarmed and confused when these things were happening and felt unprepared to deal with them.  Now that we know, we will be better able to cope with the hospital stay for next time.

Interestingly enough, we also learned that most birth moms who change their mind and decide to parent, do so shortly after the birth of the baby.  Few adoptive parents leave the hospital only to have the birth parents change their mind before legal custody is obtained.  When I learned this, I thought, “Of course it doesn’t happen often.  Neither does rain in July in central California or taxi cabs that won’t start or any of the totally bizarre course of events that led us to California!!”

One of the things we have been concerned with is how we will deal with the next adoption opportunity.  We were comforted to know that the next birth mom who picks us will know that we have experienced a disrupted adoption.  That alone shows how committed we are to this and what we are willing to do to have a family.  I’m certain we will be guarded but we will make a constant effort to not compare our next birth mom with Nicole.  That would not be fair to any of us.

Last night, Carol called to review what we had discussed Monday night.  We decided to go back online and our web sites were reactivated early this morning.  She also told us that we will be the featured family for October.  That means we will be the first family that birth moms will see when they contact ANLC.  I can honestly say that I was not excited to hear our web sites had been reactivated.  This time last year, I was working feverishly to get the information out for those web sites to be activated.  Now, I’m just sorry they have to be turned back on.

I have said this before and I’m sure I will say it many more times, this is not the end of our story.  We will fight, tooth and nail, scratching and clawing our way to find our family.  We refuse to allow this to be over for us.  I will leave you with one final quote that I have found to inspirational in the last several weeks……”Whatever you do, hold onto hope!  The tiniest thread will twist into an unbreakable cord.  Let hope anchor you in the possibility that this is not the end of your story, that change will bring you to peaceful shores.”

"Sometimes the things we can't change end up changing us."

I would like to start this post by saying thank you.  Actually, thank you seems thousands of miles away from how we truly feel.  We could never really be able to adequately express how grateful we are to all of our family and friends who have supported us this summer.  Jon and I have experienced tragedy before, with the loss of our only pregnancy the same day as his dad passed away.  We both feel that what we have faced this summer has been much worse than what we previously referred to as “the worst day of our lives”.  Once again, we were reminded of how loved we are by those around us.  Before we even left, so many people shared in our excitement and while we were in California, we could feel the prayers being lifted for us by people all across the country.  We could never say what it meant to us knowing that so many people were “on our side” throughout this journey.

As you can imagine, coming home was bittersweet.   We wanted so desperately to be near the people we loved but at the same time, we understood that leaving California meant leaving Jensen behind.  We were so relieved to be home, with family and friends to embrace us as we worked toward mending our broken hearts.  We are far from whole as we continue to take things one day at a time but we are making progress.  As we sat in the hospital, waiting for Nicole to decide if we could leave with Jensen, I looked at JP and said, “If this doesn’t work out, I’ll never be able to come back from that.  I’ll never be the same and I don’t think I can ever recover.”  I would be lying if I didn’t say that there have been times when this has been so difficult that the thought of having to bear the next second was agonizing.  We have both tried to utilize our resources as we make our way through this.  I have read several books and we have seen a counselor.  I have also kept in touch with the chaplain who played such an important role in this journey.  She has been an invaluable resource to us along the way and I truly feel like she was sent to us straight from God.  We are working through the grief process together, respecting each other along the way and learning from each other as we heal.  One thing we have come to appreciate is that grief isn’t a one-time experience and then it’s over.  It’s an ongoing process that needs and deserves attention and respect.  I think that grief is like a fire.  It must be allowed to burn completely out on its own rather than being snuffed out or having someone pour water on it because it’s uncomfortable.  In order for grief to be worked through properly, it must be tended to, admired, stoked gently and revered.  Although rushing through the grief process may seem easier, you will only hurt yourself in the end.  If you have not fully grieved a situation that you have endured, it will only rear its ugly head the next time you are faced with something similar or worse yet, you will never be able to move past that which has caused you so much pain.  I can’t think of anyone who would want to live that way, with the hurt of the past constantly hanging over them, creeping into every possible happy moment.

Having said that, I want to thank everyone for allowing us to grieve in our own ways and not rushing us to move onto the next step.  Never once have I felt as though anyone was trying to hurry us through this.  We have felt so blessed to have so many people who love and support us, even from afar.  We truly appreciate you for respecting us and allowing us the time and space that we have needed as we work through this together. 

We met with our social worker in Overland Park on Wednesday to update our home study, which is a yearly requirement when you are awaiting an adoption.  Hillary is one of the most amazing women I have ever met.  She is so insightful and perceptive and is very knowledgeable about the adoption process.   Hillary is completely unattached from Adoption Network.  She is a social worker who has an adoption agency and we have chosen to use her for our home study process.  We told her the whole story, from the phone call saying Nicole had chosen us to the moment we were sitting in her office.  She was shocked and horrified and at one point said, “You can’t make this stuff up.  In fact, if this were fiction, I would say, ‘You have gone too far here.  This is too much!  It’s not believable.’”  When we were finished telling her everything, she said, “I want to tell you both something right now.  There is nothing you could have said or done differently that would have changed the outcome of this situation.  You did and said everything right.  None of this was your fault and I want you to know that.”  I was so relieved to hear a professional adoption social worker say that to us.  I have relived almost every moment we were in California, thinking, “What if we had done this?  Should we have said that?”  I have lain awake every night thinking and remembering everything, trying to make sense of all of this.  By her telling us that, I literally felt a weight lifted off of me, as though I finally understood this was not my fault.

Some of you know we bought Nicole a keepsake, not to say “thank you for giving us your baby” but rather a personalized token of our appreciation for the happiness she was bringing us by making this difficult choice.  When she came to take Jensen from us, she tried to give it back to Jon while I stood back holding Jensen.  I stepped forward and said, “No, that is for you.  Keep it.”  After hearing this, Hillary said that by doing that, we showed Nicole our true character.  She pointed out that in our moment of deepest sorrow and heartache, we were able to continue to be the same people we are, honest, loving and compassionate and Nicole will always remember that.  She will know that there are people in this world who are capable of giving without strings attached and no further expectations.  I had never thought of it in that way and although a part of me hopes that when she looks at it she feels guilty, I am proud of us for being able to show Nicole who we are, no matter what the circumstances.

Hillary talked through some of the situation with us and gave us some specific questions to ask Adoption Network.  She also said to call her the next time we are presented with an adoption opportunity and she would go over the information with us and discuss any details that she might consider to be “red flags”.  She encouraged us to continue to pursue adoption and even offered to network for us, in addition to what Adoption Network will be doing for us.  We left feeling like we had gained valuable information for how we should proceed.

When we first signed up with Adoption Network, we were assigned an adoption consultant.  Once we were chosen by Nicole, we were handed over to an adoption advisor.  Now that we are in the category of “disrupted adoption”, we have been handed over to a client liaison, named Carol.  I emailed her today and let her know that we had several questions and weren’t sure who we should direct them toward.  She said she would try to answer them and we scheduled a phone call for this evening.  We had 13 questions written down and Carol was only able to answer 4 of them.  I was disappointed by that at first but she plans to visit with Cynthia to get some answers for us and we will talk with both of them next week.  During our conversation, I told Carol that we had been working hard to deal with our feelings related to what we have been through and that we have waited to talk with her because we have been angry about the situation and outcome.  She said she appreciated my honesty and was glad that I shared that.  Lucky for her, I didn’t call 3 or 4 weeks ago!

So, where are we now?  We are healing, grieving and trying to get back into our lives.  We know that we will never be the same people we were on July 11.  We understand that it will take time to fully process and deal with all of the emotions that are involved with this.  We are so grateful for the wonderful people in our lives who love and care for us so much.  We will always love Jensen and he will forever have a special place in our hearts.   We are not giving up on adoption or having a family.

We are forever changed......

3 weeks doesn't really seem like a long time but it seems like forever since we first met Jensen, 3 long weeks ago.  As I try to deal with my emotions and healing, I often find myself closing my eyes and trying to remember every second he was with us.  I think of his beautiful black hair, dark eyes, smooth skin and crooked smile.  It seems like very few seconds go by without something reminding me of one of his features, likes, dislikes or behaviors.  I know it may seem silly but in those 5 precious days we were his parents, we already knew things about him that we will never forget.  He will always be our son and will forever hold a special place in our hearts and families.
Many people have asked us what is next....right now, our only plan is to try to heal.  Our hearts have been forever broken and to quote JP, "This wasn't a puppy dog.  It will take a long time to get over this."  Some people, in an effort to encourage us have said, "You will have a baby, I just know it."  Again, to quote JP, "We don't want another baby.  We want Jensen back."  We don't expect you to understand what we are going through or how we are dealing with it.  All we ask is that you be patient with us.  This is a grieving process for us and we must work through it together and individually in our own time and in our way.  I spoke with the Chaplain from California again tonight as we have chosen to stay in touch with her.  During our conversation she said, "Pain is real, it's crappy and it's real.  It is part of your life and who you are and who will become.  Take it seriously and deal with."  I felt like that was one of the most real things that has been said to us.  This sucks, bad.  It wasn't supposed to be with this was and now it has become part of our lives and who we are.
We have gone over every moment and asked ourselves "what if we had done this?" or "should we have said that?"  I think about all the adversity we faced just to get to him and how it seemed at every disappointment, around the corner was a flicker of hope.  I've said this before but we still truly believe that Jensen was supposed to come home with us.  There were too many circumstances that worked out perfectly for this to have been anything other than divine.  Nicole chose to put herself first in this situation and like every other part of it, we are working through the anger that she has caused us, as well.
I have felt so alone during the past few weeks but found comfort in something rather ordinary.  One sleepless night, while channel surfing, I found a show on the Oxygen channel that comes on Monday nights called "I'm Having Their Baby".  It's a show about adoption!  The first episode I watched featured a birth mom who changed her mind more than once about her adoptive parents and eventually decided to parent her baby.  It was like I had a dawning revelation that we are not the only people in world who this has happened to.  I don't want to say I found comfort in the fact that others have suffered the way we are, but I did find encouragement in the fact that although those couples experiences what is called a disrupted/ failed adoption, they went on to have a family successfully through adoption.  If you care to stay up late on a Monday night, watch that show and you will gain some perspective on the adoption process and what it is like for birth and adoptive parents.  I assure you that you will learn something.
I also found a website called AdoptiveFamilies.com.  They have support groups you can join, one of them being adoption loss.  I joined the group and read the story of a woman who's husband's name is Jon.  They did in vitro 3 times, had a miscarriage then chose to adopt.  They were chosen by a young couple, met with them and even went to dr appointments with them.  They took the baby home from the hospital and 2 days later had to give the baby back to the birth mother who's family had shown up and promised to help her raise the baby.  The parallels of their story and ours were almost freaky.  I read it to Jon and he just looked at me with a wild eyed expression and said, "Wow, wow, that's crazy."  Again, reading this story was another chance for me to realize that this has happened to others and we will survive.
We have had a lot of losses that will take a lot of time to grieve and deal with completely.  We have not given up on having a family.  We have not given up on adoption.  Truthfully, we haven't given up on Nicole or Jensen yet.  We pray every night that she will realize that he belongs with us. 
I will leave you with a quote from C.S. Lewis that I stumbled upon today.  "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us.  We are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."  That pretty much sums up how we feel right now.  I ask that you be patient and gentle with us.  Sometimes silence is ok.  A simple smile with a pat on the back or a hug is welcomed.  Try to put yourself in our shoes, broken saddened, anxious and distraught and think of the things you would not want to hear someone else say.  Now is not the time for cliches and empty words.  Now is the time for love, support, prayers and knowing that we can count on you if we need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen.
Thank you............the JP's