"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart. I'll stay there forever." - Winnie the Pooh

I woke up this morning feeling anxious, with tightness in my chest unsure as to why I was feeling this way.  I lay still, listening for Jase to hear if he was crying only to hear the rhythmic sounds of 2 sleeping fellas and a couple ceiling fans clicking.  I did a mental checklist of my things to do, wondering if I forgot something important…..nothing seemed to be out of order.  So, I grabbed my ipad  on the nightstand and thought I would enjoy the peace and quiet of a Saturday morning before everyone got up.  I had a text message from a sweet friend with encouraging words and I read it 2 times before I remembered what today is.  I’ve dreaded today and what it is all week.  I don’t know how I could have forgotten, even for the brief few minutes that my sleepy mind was unaware.   My heart had not forgotten, it woke me up with a pounding that made me think something was wrong.  I lay there staring at these kind words from a dear friend and quietly cried because something is wrong….

Today is Jensen’s 2^nd birthday.  I can’t help but wonder about all that could have been and the “what if’s” that this day brings to mind.  It’s weird how even after 2 whole years, not a day goes by that I don’t wonder and worry about him.   Almost 2 months ago we celebrated Jase’s birthday and I’ll admit, it was an extravagant affair!  We went all out and celebrated him and his first year in style!  I wouldn’t have had it any other way.  I was thinking about this as I lay in bed this morning and wondered if Jensen will have a birthday party today.  Most of you are probably shaking your head and thinking, “Now, Jaime, I’m sure he’s going to have a birthday party.” But then again, most of you don’t know about the conversations I had with his mother, who text me asking if I could wire her money to buy a birthday cake for her older son.  I’m certain that her circumstances haven’t changed in these past 2 years, so being concerned over this is completely valid.  And who doesn’t have money for a birthday cake?! 

And if he doesn’t have a birthday cake, does he have new shoes for the summer?  Does he have swim trunks to play in the water?  Does he have a blanket or a favorite stuffed animal or toy?  Does he still have the stuffed cow we gave him as he was taken out of our arms and ripped from our lives?  Does he go to bed every night with a full belly in a warm bed knowing he will be loved forever?  Will he ever know how much we love him and how our hearts still ache to know he is safe?  Will we ever see him again and get to tell him that although we weren’t allowed to be his forever parents, he gave us the greatest gift of experiencing the love of a parent for the first time?  Will he grow to be a strong, kind, hard-working man who loves God and his family?  These are the questions that keep me up some nights and keep a part of my heart broken.

When people hear our story, sometimes they say things like “It just wasn’t meant to be” or “But look at Jase and how wonderful he is”.  None of this helps me feel any better.   Am I supposed to forget about this precious boy that I held to my chest and loved instantly?  Am I not supposed to worry for him and pray he has all the things he needs and gets all the love he deserves?  Anyone who is a mother knows you simply can’t turn those instincts off just because you no longer see your child.  It’s not the same but the only thing I can think to compare it to is when your child grows up and goes off to college.  Essentially, your job as a parent is complete but as my parents have told me and I know understand, just because your child isn’t living with you, doesn’t mean you will ever stop worrying about them and praying that they are safe and happy and making good choices.  Just because Jensen isn’t physically with us, doesn’t mean we aren’t concerned for him and his well-being.  And quite honestly, if my phone rang today and someone said, “Nicole has decided she wants you be Jensen’s parents.”  I would drop everything again, throw some clothes in a bag, give JP a plane pill, buckle Jase in his car seat and head to the airport to fly to California.  I would bring this boy home in heart beat if I had the chance.  I think a tiny part of me will always be waiting for him and I think I will miss him forever.  Even after 2 years, there are still times when I think of him and suddenly it gets hard to breath, like the air is too thick for my lungs and my heart hurts because I can’t breathe through the tears that well up in my eyes.

Everyone has gone through something that has changed them in a way that they could never go back to the person they once were.  This was our thing……this changed us both, forever.  Two years ago today, we were on what we can all agree would be the worst travel experience EVER, trying our absolute best just to get to this sweet baby!  We were anxious, excited, full of anticipation and hope as we made our way to California and what we thought would be our baby boy.  I will never forget seeing him for the first time, gasping with tears at his innocent beauty and watching JP hold him, ever so gently and basking in the joy of that moment that we had waited so long to experience.  Sometimes I try to remember every second I had with him, just to make sure that time hasn’t let me forget anything.  I’ve said this before and as ridiculous as it sounds, even if I knew how it was going to end, I would do it all over again.  I can’t say that I can make sense of all this pain but I know how wonderful it felt to hold him and kiss him and even though it hurts beyond explanation, it was also the greatest feeling I had experienced up to that point in my life.  He changed us, being his parents for 5 days made us different people.  Maybe not to a degree that was noticeable to anyone else but he changed our hearts forever and at that moment, we knew we could never go back to just being us.  We knew we were made to be parents and refused to give up on that!  Little did we know that the baby boy who would be ours forever would bring us joy beyond measure and heal our broken hearts like no one else could.

I can’t take credit for this quote but I I have to share it because I think it sums this up perfectly.   

“To lose someone you love is to alter your life forever.  The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes…….this hole in your heart is in the shape of the one you lost, no one can fit it.” – Jeanette Winterson

We will always have a “Jensen shaped hole” in our hearts.  We will always miss him, love him, worry and pray over him.  He is a part of who we are and there will always be a little piece of our hearts in California with him, our golden nugget.  So happy 2^nd birthday, sweet boy!  We are celebrating here as best we can without you by holding each other tight and remembering what you gave to us.  I just wish there was a way for you to know just how much you are loved by these 2 people whose lives you changed forever…….

"More than any other human relationship, overwhelmingly more, motherhood means being instandly interruptible, responsive and responsible." -- Tillie Olsen

One year ago today, we got on a plane and headed to Florida for the trip of a lifetime!  We could not stand to wait at home for another day, so we packed up and flew south to wait for our son, Jase.  A whole year has passed since we left our home for the last time as just a couple.  365 days ago, I nervously answered a phone call from Leah who said she thought something was going on but wasn’t sure if it was labor.  That’s 8,760 hours…….525,600 minutes……31,536,000 seconds…..so much has happened since then!  Jase finally decided to make his appearance into this world.   We got to leave the hospital as a family of 3.  We had to stay in a hotel for a week with a newborn while we waited to get the clearance to come home.  We flew home 2,000 miles with a week old baby and learned how to change a poopy diaper on an airplane!  We got to sleep in our own bed with our sweet baby beside us.  We celebrated each month birthday like it was a holiday.  We survived all our post-placement home study visits. We got to take our baby to the State Fair.  We sat at our kitchen table and had our adoption finalized via speakerphone.  We celebrated with over 100 friends and family at our Forever Day celebration!  We had our first Halloween!  We celebrated a “half birthday” during deer season.  We finally had our first Christmas morning with our sweet baby boy to open presents!  I finally got to dress a baby in a Valentine’s Day & St. Patrick’s Day outfit! We survived our first baby hospitalization, barely!  We lived through going back to work, the first teeth, learning to crawl, the first bump on the head and his first temper tantrum.  We celebrated the first time he rolled over, the first time he sat up, his first laugh, his first word, his first “trick” and his first swing in the back yard.  It’s all so surreal.  I know it’s cliché but sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago and sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday.  So much has been crammed into the past year that I’m afraid I’ll forget all of it.  I don’t want to forget how awesome I felt the first time he looked up at me and smiled or how amazing it was the first time he slept all night.  I don’t want to forget the pure magic of the first time he laughed when I tickled him or how precious it was the first time he got excited when Daddy came home.  I want to always remember how wonderful it was the first time he reached over and patted my arm after he woke up and said, “Mamamamama”.  I’ve written everything down on the calendar so we’ll never forget what day he first ate cereal and when he first pulled up on Daddy’s chair.  But I know we get so busy living our lives that we don’t take the time to reflect on those priceless memories we make along the way.

Recently, I was interviewed by our local newspaper for a spotlight on motherhood.  They wrote about our whole story, from the very beginning.  This journey that we have been on since 2008, shortly after we got married, when we decided to try to have a baby has been long, to say the least.  There have definitely been more lows than highs along the way and there were several times when it seemed like this day would never come, that we would never be planning a first birthday party in 5 days!  As I reflected on our journey during the interview last week, I began to realize that there were plenty of “reasonable opportunities” for me to give up and just say, “I quit, I’m done trying to make this happen.”  Honestly, there were moments when I doubted this day would come but I can’t remember a time when I thought we shouldn’t keep trying, doing everything we could to bring a baby home. I can’t remember exactly when I read this quote but it sums up everything so well.   “Never give up on a dream just because of the time it will take to accomplish it.  The time will pass anyway."  --  Earl Nightingale.  Jase is our dream and it took a long time to get here but the time would have passed anyway.  We never gave up, we may have had our doubts about the process but we always knew we would be a family.  What we didn’t know was that Jase would be so perfect and being his parents would be even better than we could have ever dreamed. 

Before I was a Mommy, I can remember my friends talking about their kids and how much they love them.  I can specifically remember being told on more than one occasion by various women that the love you have for your child is so all-encompassing that sometimes, especially with a first child, it can be frightening just how consuming it can be.  I remember thinking about how much I love my niece and nephew and wondering if it could possibly be more intense than that.  I was shocked to learn that the love of a mother is so much more than I was prepared for, more than I thought was even possible.  I honestly had no idea what it was like and I don’t think I can even come up with right words to describe it.  The love I have for Jase is so powerful that I would do anything for him without a second thought and so extreme that I literally mean anything! I know this isn’t news to any of you mothers reading this but for this first time Mommy, it has been a year of wonder as I learn to deal with the shear force of this astounding emotion known as a mother’s love.

As I’m preparing for a very awesome and I might say, over the top first birthday party, I wanted to share some of the humorous things I have learned over the past year as I have experienced being the mother of an infant boy.  In all it’s marvel, it has definitely had its entertaining moments along the way!  For those of you who are already mothers, enjoy these comical realizations.   And for those of you who aren’t yet a mommy, don’t judge……you just wait!!!

1.        All boys love boobies, even newborns and especially those baby boys who have been nursed!  (That’s a blog for another day!! J)

2.       Once those boobies are no longer used for nourishment, baby boys use them for comfort or as in Jase’s case right now, a place to store his “keepsakes”, like toys or pacifiers!!

3.       You learn quickly that you no longer care if you have on make up or have done your hair.  Brushing your teeth on some days is a luxury that you relish!!

4.       You will leave the house in your house shoes or partially dressed at least once in your baby’s first year of life……hopefully, you’ll realize this before you get to your destination!  If not, just say, “I have a baby” and shrug your shoulders.  All other mothers will totally understand!!

5.       As with #3, you will learn that on some days bathing is an option/luxury that you won’t have time to participate in but you will only sigh and shrug your shoulders (again) because you will at least have gotten to brush your teeth!!

6.       You realize at some point that you will never be on time to any destination ever again, unless you’re in your pajamas and haven’t showered!!

7.       That one rare occasion when you do have to be somewhere but you don’t have to get your child ready, you will arrive uncharacteristically early and everyone will be shocked and ask what’s going on!

8.       You will suddenly and without warning become acutely aware of the bowel habits of this tiny creature and be able to recall at any moment when the last poop was, what it looked like and whether or not it was “a good one”.

9.       You will also notice yourself talking about said bowel habits with other people who may or may not be interested but you won’t even care because you’re talking about your sweet, perfect baby!!

10.   You realize that leaving the house with just your debit card and driver’s license is probably never going to happen again….as you carry almost everything you own to Wal-Mart for some milk, diapers and Kleenex.

11.   Going out to eat is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy more work than it’s worth and you’re totally fine with your husband bringing home a pizza or take out, a lot.

12.   You will never know tired until you’ve been up all night with a sick baby.  It’s a whole new level of exhaustion.

13.   About 6 weeks into this motherhood thing, you don’t even remember what it was like to sleep longer than 4 hours at a time and you realize you’re okay with that!

14.   You will wonder how on earth you used to stay up all night for fun because you would give your left pinky toe for 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, alone, with no one touching you….until you realize that would mean someone else would be in charge and then you think, “ehhhh, sleep is over rated.”

15.   At some point, it’s different for each of us, you come to terms with the fact that everyone has an opinion about babies and feels free to share that with you, often times unsolicited.  You will develop a rehearsed response for this like the slight head tilt with a nod and half smile or a “gosh, I sure didn’t know that” reply and then go on your merry way because let’s face it, you’ve got this!

16.   Around oh say 6-8 months or so, you will find that you no longer notice when you have snot, spit up or food on your clothes.  It’s just not even that big of a deal anymore!

17.   It doesn’t matter what any book says, when your baby is ready for something, like eating solids, starting to eat meat, drinking from a cup, quitting the paci or sleeping in his own room, you will know.  Trying to force something on a baby is like trying to baptize a cat!!!

18.   Talking with your mommy friends about your exhaustion, frustration, joys, firsts and generally anything baby will be the most therapeutic and validating thing you can possibly do for yourself.  You’re not alone, everyone is tired and no one thinks their husband does enough to help. 

19.   To go along with #18, you will learn that the saying “sleep like a baby” is so ridiculous and it should really be “sleep like a husband”!!!!

20.   Nothing and I mean nothing will prepare you for when you have to leave your baby, either to go back to work, overnight or for any other reason.  Although these may be necessary, they will all be hard and don’t worry what anyone thinks about how you deal with it.  Leaving your baby is no fun but the good news is, you will both survive!

21.   Lastly, having a baby changes you, physically, mentally, emotionally and financially.  Most of these changes you are not prepared for but once you realize why they all occurred you will notice a huge stupid grin on your face because this sweet baby is the reason you are exhausted, broke, cry during most news stories and sometimes have difficulty putting the right words together to form a coherent sentence.  It may seem grueling at times but you know that it’s all absolutely, totally, 100% worth it!!!

No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted. -- Aesop

It has occurred to me that I have not written a bog post in several months.  There have been a few times while doing dishes, making baby food, folding laundry, changing a diaper or rocking my sweet baby to sleep that I have thought, I should write something.  That quickly turns into an inner dialogue which includes questions like, what will I write about?  What should my topic be when I now have everything I ever wanted?  Should I write about Jase’s milestones?  Does anyone want to read about that?  Wow, my life literally revolved around our pursuit to become a family…..is that selfish????

I remember that about this time last year I had posted that I would be doing an Intentional Act of Kindness for every day of February to celebrate how others have blessed me along the way as I placed my focus on blessing others instead of wallowing in my self-pity as I turned another year older.  I have tried to continue that same plan this year (with the exception of the recent snow days) because I truly believe it was no coincidence that once I was able to take my focus off my grief and place it on finding ways to bless others, then we received the wonderful phone call letting us know we had been chosen by Leah.  Funny how those things tend to work out that way, huh?

So, it’s February again and I’m typing this while I listen to Jase squeal over pulling off his own sock.  I may not have had anything profound to say before now but I don’t think that’s a terrible thing.  For so long, we faced bad news and tragedy and while dealing with all of that, I knew that one day we would have our happiness; we would have our family to celebrate.  And that is just what I have been doing!  I have reveled in every first that Jase had experienced and have taken thousands of pictures, literally!  We have had our first Thanksgiving and Christmas.  We have held our breath while Jase sat up for the first time and just last night we stood silently as he got up on all fours not knowing we were watching him.  We tell everyone how he’s pulling up now and it won’t be long before he’s walking!  I have spent hours scouring Pinterest for the perfect first birthday theme (I finally found it this week and I’m STOKED!) and I have mastered the art of making baby food.  We have discovered that going out to eat is a challenge but not as much as trying to get Jase to sleep all night away from home.  We are not in any rush to get him to sleep in his own room and we are both a little sad at the prospect of him not being right beside us all night.  We have learned that if Jase doesn’t burp before he goes to bed, he will be awake 30 minutes after you lay him down.  We know that he likes prunes and beef stew and he does not like peas or wearing a hat!  He gets so excited when his Daddy comes home and he really prefers Mommy to rock him to sleep at night.  He is fascinated by watching the dogs play but not nearly as much as he is when watching the weatherman Brian Busby (it’s the craziest thing I’ve ever seen!).  He likes to sit in front of the coffee table and bang on the front of it with a wooden spoon while squealing like a tiny baby rabbit.  He HATES to be on his belly, period!!  He thinks peek a boo is hilarious and the Donald Duck voice Daddy uses is scary.

I could go on and on but you get my point.  We are thrilled to have the chance to watch our son learn and grow.  We have waited so long for this and we are enjoying every second.  I’m not saying it’s been all smiles and laughter since the day he was born; let’s face it, he’s a baby and his only way of communicating is to cry.  For the most part, he is a happy baby and for that, we are so thankful!  I’ve had my “Mommy moments” when I’ve needed to have some time to myself, like every other mother I know.  But I have known no greater joy than waking up to the most beautiful smile in the world as my baby boy realizes I’m looking at him!  I honestly don’t know what I did all these years without him….sure, my house was cleaner and I was more rested but I wouldn’t trade this lack of sleep and toy cluttered house for anything on earth!

So, if you’re facing a crisis or a rough time, take heart in knowing you will reach the other side and when you get there, you will know you are stronger for whatever you have faced and you will appreciate the mundane, hum drum everyday routine that life can be.  In times of crisis, hold tight to your loved ones who want to help you get through this because when you feel like you can’t pray, they will.  God gives us wonderful people who have hearts filled with his love and want to hold our hands and cry with us as we face tough times.  It’s easy to shut those people out when we are hurting, don’t do it.  Let them bless you and one day, when you are past all this, you can return the favor with an intentional act of kindness from your healed heart.