I woke up this morning feeling anxious, with tightness in my
chest unsure as to why I was feeling this way.
I lay still, listening for Jase to hear if he was crying only to hear
the rhythmic sounds of 2 sleeping fellas and a couple ceiling fans clicking. I did a mental checklist of my things to do,
wondering if I forgot something important…..nothing seemed to be out of
order. So, I grabbed my ipad on the nightstand and thought I would enjoy
the peace and quiet of a Saturday morning before everyone got up. I had a text message from a sweet friend with
encouraging words and I read it 2 times before I remembered what today is. I’ve dreaded today and what it is all
week. I don’t know how I could have
forgotten, even for the brief few minutes that my sleepy mind was unaware. My heart had not forgotten, it woke me up
with a pounding that made me think something was wrong. I lay there staring at these kind words from
a dear friend and quietly cried because something is wrong….
Today is Jensen’s 2nd birthday. I can’t help but wonder about all that could
have been and the “what if’s” that this day brings to mind. It’s weird how even after 2 whole years, not
a day goes by that I don’t wonder and worry about him. Almost 2 months ago we celebrated Jase’s
birthday and I’ll admit, it was an extravagant affair! We went all out and celebrated him and his
first year in style! I wouldn’t have had
it any other way. I was thinking about
this as I lay in bed this morning and wondered if Jensen will have a birthday party
today. Most of you are probably shaking
your head and thinking, “Now, Jaime, I’m sure he’s going to have a birthday
party.” But then again, most of you don’t know about the conversations I had
with his mother, who text me asking if I could wire her money to buy a birthday
cake for her older son. I’m certain that
her circumstances haven’t changed in these past 2 years, so being concerned
over this is completely valid. And who
doesn’t have money for a birthday cake?!
And if he doesn’t have a birthday cake, does he have new
shoes for the summer? Does he have swim
trunks to play in the water? Does he
have a blanket or a favorite stuffed animal or toy? Does he still have the stuffed cow we gave
him as he was taken out of our arms and ripped from our lives? Does he go to bed every night with a full
belly in a warm bed knowing he will be loved forever? Will he ever know how much we love him and
how our hearts still ache to know he is safe?
Will we ever see him again and get to tell him that although we weren’t
allowed to be his forever parents, he gave us the greatest gift of experiencing
the love of a parent for the first time?
Will he grow to be a strong, kind, hard-working man who loves God and
his family? These are the questions that
keep me up some nights and keep a part of my heart broken.
When people hear our story, sometimes they say things like “It
just wasn’t meant to be” or “But look at Jase and how wonderful he is”. None of this helps me feel any better. Am I supposed to forget about this precious
boy that I held to my chest and loved instantly? Am I not supposed to worry for him and pray
he has all the things he needs and gets all the love he deserves? Anyone who is a mother knows you simply can’t
turn those instincts off just because you no longer see your child. It’s not the same but the only thing I can
think to compare it to is when your child grows up and goes off to
college. Essentially, your job as a
parent is complete but as my parents have told me and I know understand, just
because your child isn’t living with you, doesn’t mean you will ever stop
worrying about them and praying that they are safe and happy and making good
choices. Just because Jensen isn’t
physically with us, doesn’t mean we aren’t concerned for him and his
well-being. And quite honestly, if my phone
rang today and someone said, “Nicole has decided she wants you be Jensen’s
parents.” I would drop everything again,
throw some clothes in a bag, give JP a plane pill, buckle Jase in his car seat
and head to the airport to fly to California.
I would bring this boy home in heart beat if I had the chance. I think a tiny part of me will always be
waiting for him and I think I will miss him forever. Even after 2 years, there are still times
when I think of him and suddenly it gets hard to breath, like the air is too
thick for my lungs and my heart hurts because I can’t breathe through the tears
that well up in my eyes.
Everyone has gone through something that has changed them in
a way that they could never go back to the person they once were. This was our thing……this changed us both,
forever. Two years ago today, we were on
what we can all agree would be the worst travel experience EVER, trying our absolute
best just to get to this sweet baby! We
were anxious, excited, full of anticipation and hope as we made our way to
California and what we thought would be our baby boy. I will never forget seeing him for the first
time, gasping with tears at his innocent beauty and watching JP hold him, ever
so gently and basking in the joy of that moment that we had waited so long to
experience. Sometimes I try to remember
every second I had with him, just to make sure that time hasn’t let me forget
anything. I’ve said this before and as
ridiculous as it sounds, even if I knew how it was going to end, I would do it
all over again. I can’t say that I can
make sense of all this pain but I know how wonderful it felt to hold him and
kiss him and even though it hurts beyond explanation, it was also the greatest
feeling I had experienced up to that point in my life. He changed us, being his parents for 5 days
made us different people. Maybe not to a
degree that was noticeable to anyone else but he changed our hearts forever and
at that moment, we knew we could never go back to just being us. We knew we were made to be parents and
refused to give up on that! Little did
we know that the baby boy who would be ours forever would bring us joy beyond measure
and heal our broken hearts like no one else could.
I can’t take credit for this quote but I I have to share it
because I think it sums this up perfectly.
“To lose someone you love is to
alter your life forever. The pain stops,
there are new people, but the gap never closes…….this hole in your heart is in
the shape of the one you lost, no one can fit it.” – Jeanette Winterson
We will always have a “Jensen shaped hole” in our hearts. We will always miss him, love him, worry and
pray over him. He is a part of who we
are and there will always be a little piece of our hearts in California with
him, our golden nugget. So happy 2nd
birthday, sweet boy! We are celebrating
here as best we can without you by holding each other tight and remembering
what you gave to us. I just wish there
was a way for you to know just how much you are loved by these 2 people whose
lives you changed forever…….
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