I have been asked several times recently by people dear to
my heart how I was able to stay positive or keep my faith during our journey to
a family, especially when it seemed like it would never happen. I’d like to say it was easy….I’d love to tell
others that I trusted God completely, every minute of the lengthy process but I
can’t. The truth is, it was hard. Most days were filled with doubt and fear
that we would never hold our precious baby in our arms. In fact, as I look back over the more than 5
years it took us to get to Jase, I had more days of uncertainty than belief
that God would bring us to our family.
The only thing I knew for sure was that I had an inexplicable desire and
passion to be a mother, to put one foot in front of the other and take another
step, to keep trying.
After 3 rounds of in vitro with only one pregnancy that
ended by nearly taking my life along with it and a failed adoption that
shattered us in more pieces than we could ever imagine, we were broken. Plain and simple, we were changed to our very
core, no longer the same people who started this journey with an overwhelming 3
hour appointment at the fertility doctor’s office. Unfortunately, there are things that happen to
us that we can never completely come back from.
I remember saying to JP just before I was taken into emergency surgery
because my fallopian tube had ruptured, taking our baby with it and I was
bleeding profusely, “I’ll never be able to come back from this.” And I remember
saying exactly the same thing to him again, when I held our sweet baby Jensen
in my arms as we got ready to walk out onto the sidewalk and hand him over to
his birth mother. I knew I would be
forever changed after the magnitude of both of those losses. What I didn’t know at the time was that those
losses were so huge for me because they were my first glimpse of motherhood,
what my soul had been longing for. I have
experienced the loss of loved ones and it is tragic, to say the least. But feeling like you have finally received
that which your heart has longed for, only to have it slip through your hands
like running water is truly indescribable and changes the very fiber of your
being.
So, how did I go on? How
did we make the decision to take another chance, to gamble on hope, to
literally put everything we have into one more try? Did I think people were going to think we
were crazy? Was there ever a guarantee that
we would get the results we wanted? These
are questions that have been posed to me recently. I can answer a few without reservation, for
example, I didn’t care what anyone thought!
(I’m pretty sure those of you who know me well can attest to that!) No, there was never a guarantee with either
in vitro or adoption. Both options were high risk with high stakes and no
promise of return, as you all well know.
As far as how we knew to keep going, that can only be explained by our passion
to pursue our hearts desire. We took “breaks”
along the way to regroup but our goal never changed in the meantime.
There were times when I was so angry that I refused to even
pray. I was so mad at God for letting
all of these things happen to us that I couldn’t even stand to acknowledge
Him. And then there were times that my
anger turned to rage and I said things to God that I am so ashamed of now. Thankfully, God is big enough to handle our
anger and brokenness. It’s like God sees
us in our ridiculous, child-like, fit throwing state, puts His hands up like
all of us parents have done and says, “Ok, I’ll give you your space but I’m not
leaving. I’m right over here when you’re
ready to talk again.”
I wasn’t faithful during this whole journey, I sort of
fluctuated between asking God for favors and blaming him for my hard
times. I was like the bad kid who only
wants to talk to her parents when she needs something or it’s convenient or its
expected. I wish I could say
differently, I so wish I could tell you that I spent so much time in prayer
that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God would bring us through this,
making us stronger as a family and bring us to Jase. But I’m human and sometimes not a very good
one, at that.
After our failed adoption, which for most people would have
been the last straw, I decided I was going to learn all I could about the
grieving process and teach myself how to heal.
That’s not really how it works, but that’s what I set out to do. I read books, participated in on-line chat
groups for adoption loss, saw a counselor, wrote my blog and waited patiently,
for the first time in this journey. And I
had a moment, a time that became a turning point for me in January 2013. I had the stomach flu and was sicker than I thought
I had ever been and was praying “Jesus, please don’t let me puke!” (I hate to throw up, so this is pretty much
my standard nauseated prayer….) As I was
recovering, I thought it was odd that I would so fervently ask God to keep me from
vomiting but I had never put such urgency in praying for my baby or his birth
mother. It was then and there that I made
a decision to pray with everything I had for our baby and his birth
mother. It became a rehearsed prayer
that I would say almost continuously, if I wasn’t talking out loud….I know,
hard to believe! I don’t think the
timing of this was a coincidence because, as you all know, we got the call
telling us we had been chosen by Jase’s birth mother the very next month. Isn’t that awesome??!!
So, I say all of that to say this…..I didn’t stay positive
and I rarely was sure that what we were doing would end well. I certainly didn’t stay faithful throughout
the entire journey, either. But I do
know when I wasn’t, there were others who were.
When I couldn’t pray, there were people who love me who did. When I was beside myself with grief and
discouraged beyond measure, the people who love me had kind words or Dr. Pepper
or chocolate to bring me comfort. I don’t
have all the answers, heck, I don’t have very many answers at all….but I have
learned a lot about myself along the way.
And I learned that no matter how far we go, how angry we get, how
hopeless we feel or how ridiculous we may act, God’s grace is enough for us
when we need it most and deserve it least!
Sometimes, we just have to put our faith in the process, painful as it
may be and wait for what lies ahead. I know
that’s easy for me to say now that I’m on the other side of waiting but spent a
really long time waiting, so I think I can say that with sincerity and not
sound like a cliché. I’ve said this
before and I’m sure I’ll say it again, if the knowledge I’ve gained along the
way is helpful to others, then I will gladly share what I’ve learned to make
someone else’s life easier!
And now I must go get my baby up from his nap….that’s right,
my baby, my sweet, handsome, funny little guy who is the light of my life and
the reason for the smile on my face!!
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