"Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we are here for something else besides ourselves." -- Eric Sevareid

There are many clichés out there that really strike a nerve with me.   If you have ever spent any time talking to me, you are probably aware of this and might even be rolling your eyes as you read, thinking, “Here she goes again!”  Most of those little sayings are used by seemingly harmless people who are genuinely trying to encourage you.  Usually, what happens instead is those words are turned into swords that pierce the heart of the very one they were intended to heal.  I won’t list all of the little snippets that drive me mad (that’s a post for another day, I think) but one word used in many phrases that I would like to focus on today is time.  People often say, “Time heals all wounds.” or “It gets better with time.”  Let me tell you, when you are in the eye your hurricane of tragedy and grief, time is the last thing you want to think about!  You are completely aware that as time passes, you are farther and farther away from the last TIME you heard that loved ones voice, felt their touch, drank in the scent of their warm skin or just knew that they were here, alive and well.  So telling someone who is grieving that it will get better with time, is more painful than helpful.

But then one day, you realize that a lot of time has passed since the last time you were sad or cried and you begin to appreciate how cathartic the passage of time can be.  I know I have used this quote before in a blog, although for the life of me, I couldn’t find it this morning when I was looking through old posts.  I feel like this sums it up best…..

“It has been said ‘Time heals all wounds’.  I do not agree.  The wounds remain.  In time, the mind, protecting it’s sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens.  But it is never gone.”  ---  Rose Kennedy

I remember one time when I was about 13 years old and I was trying to understand how the death of a loved one impacted us.  I asked my dad if he still missed his father, who had passed away when my dad was 16 years old.  I don’t believe I will ever forget his answer, although I’m sure this isn’t an exact quote (but he couldn’t tell you if it was, anyway!! J).  He said he never stopped missing him but as he got older, it didn’t hurt as much to think about his dad.  Then he went on to say, as time passed, it was easier to think about good memories and not dwell on the sadness.  I have come to learn that this is so very true, when considering any loss of a loved one.  Although, there is not a clearly defined time frame in which one has to spend to get to this point.  It is as individual as we all are.

So, it’s Christmas.  The magical time of year when the world is lit by those beautiful Christmas lights and we see smiles on children’s faces as they greet Santa and open carefully wrapped gifts.  For some, though, the Christmas season is anything but magical.  If you have ever been suspended in a world of grief during the holiday season, you can relate to this.  While others are out frantically shopping for the perfect gift and cheerfully celebrating with family and friends, those who are grieving are desperately trying to just get through the days ahead, sometimes one moment at a time.  With each Christmas card received, they are reminded of how their family is missing an important piece.  At the very mention of a family gathering, they are both anxious and exhausted as they try to figure out how they will navigate this “new normal” of celebrating without the one they love so dear.

This never goes away……it may only become less difficult, but it never completely goes away and it will never be the same.  I have said before that I feel like part of my purpose and story is to educate others on the adoption process but I also feel a real sense of responsibility to those who are grieving.  I feel as though I should bring some light to that not so familiar territory of how to love on someone who has lost.  A long time ago, I shared with Jon and since then, I have shared with others that if after experiencing our own tragedy, we can help just one person navigate their own loss, at least something good will have come from what we have been through.  I don’t claim to be an expert but, unfortunately, I do have some experience in grief and loss.  I know it’s painful and sometimes ugly but I also know that those who are dealing with it desperately need to be surrounded by those who love and encourage them, especially at Christmas.

So, back to the word time……the measurement of our days on earth.  It is a bitter medicine that has both the ability to dull the sting of our heart’s wounds and remind us that the distance between us and our loved ones who are gone continues to grow.  It never stops.  The days continue to pass, no matter what season of your life you are in.  For some, we wish time would slow so we can take in all the wonders of our daily lives.  Others wish time would hurry so they could experience what they hope to be better days.  Then there are those who just need time, to process, to grieve, to heal, to remember or forget, to learn, to breathe, and to rest.  The amount of time those people may need cannot be measured in days or years and is not for anyone to decide.

No, time does not heal all wounds.  And, yes, it is truly a gift.  This Christmas season I challenge you to reach out to those you know who need some extra love and give them the gift of your time.  Give a hug, send a text, mail a Christmas card.  Be authentic and encouraging in your acknowledgement of their loss.  It may be tough for you but I guarantee, it doesn’t compare to how uncomfortable they are feeling during this time.  Your genuine demonstration of compassion will be treasured and could be just what they are needing at that particular moment as they work through this season.

Merry Christmas to you and yours! 

"Keep looking up, that's the secret of life." Snoopy

I have been asked several times recently by people dear to my heart how I was able to stay positive or keep my faith during our journey to a family, especially when it seemed like it would never happen.  I’d like to say it was easy….I’d love to tell others that I trusted God completely, every minute of the lengthy process but I can’t.  The truth is, it was hard.  Most days were filled with doubt and fear that we would never hold our precious baby in our arms.  In fact, as I look back over the more than 5 years it took us to get to Jase, I had more days of uncertainty than belief that God would bring us to our family.  The only thing I knew for sure was that I had an inexplicable desire and passion to be a mother, to put one foot in front of the other and take another step, to keep trying. 

After 3 rounds of in vitro with only one pregnancy that ended by nearly taking my life along with it and a failed adoption that shattered us in more pieces than we could ever imagine, we were broken.  Plain and simple, we were changed to our very core, no longer the same people who started this journey with an overwhelming 3 hour appointment at the fertility doctor’s office.  Unfortunately, there are things that happen to us that we can never completely come back from.  I remember saying to JP just before I was taken into emergency surgery because my fallopian tube had ruptured, taking our baby with it and I was bleeding profusely, “I’ll never be able to come back from this.” And I remember saying exactly the same thing to him again, when I held our sweet baby Jensen in my arms as we got ready to walk out onto the sidewalk and hand him over to his birth mother.  I knew I would be forever changed after the magnitude of both of those losses.  What I didn’t know at the time was that those losses were so huge for me because they were my first glimpse of motherhood, what my soul had been longing for.  I have experienced the loss of loved ones and it is tragic, to say the least.  But feeling like you have finally received that which your heart has longed for, only to have it slip through your hands like running water is truly indescribable and changes the very fiber of your being.

So, how did I go on?  How did we make the decision to take another chance, to gamble on hope, to literally put everything we have into one more try?  Did I think people were going to think we were crazy?  Was there ever a guarantee that we would get the results we wanted?  These are questions that have been posed to me recently.   I can answer a few without reservation, for example, I didn’t care what anyone thought!  (I’m pretty sure those of you who know me well can attest to that!)  No, there was never a guarantee with either in vitro or adoption. Both options were high risk with high stakes and no promise of return, as you all well know.  As far as how we knew to keep going, that can only be explained by our passion to pursue our hearts desire.  We took “breaks” along the way to regroup but our goal never changed in the meantime. 

There were times when I was so angry that I refused to even pray.  I was so mad at God for letting all of these things happen to us that I couldn’t even stand to acknowledge Him.  And then there were times that my anger turned to rage and I said things to God that I am so ashamed of now.  Thankfully, God is big enough to handle our anger and brokenness.  It’s like God sees us in our ridiculous, child-like, fit throwing state, puts His hands up like all of us parents have done and says, “Ok, I’ll give you your space but I’m not leaving.  I’m right over here when you’re ready to talk again.” 

I wasn’t faithful during this whole journey, I sort of fluctuated between asking God for favors and blaming him for my hard times.  I was like the bad kid who only wants to talk to her parents when she needs something or it’s convenient or its expected.  I wish I could say differently, I so wish I could tell you that I spent so much time in prayer that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God would bring us through this, making us stronger as a family and bring us to Jase.  But I’m human and sometimes not a very good one, at that. 

After our failed adoption, which for most people would have been the last straw, I decided I was going to learn all I could about the grieving process and teach myself how to heal.  That’s not really how it works, but that’s what I set out to do.  I read books, participated in on-line chat groups for adoption loss, saw a counselor, wrote my blog and waited patiently, for the first time in this journey.  And I had a moment, a time that became a turning point for me in January 2013.  I had the stomach flu and was sicker than I thought I had ever been and was praying “Jesus, please don’t let me puke!”  (I hate to throw up, so this is pretty much my standard nauseated prayer….)  As I was recovering, I thought it was odd that I would so fervently ask God to keep me from vomiting but I had never put such urgency in praying for my baby or his birth mother.  It was then and there that I made a decision to pray with everything I had for our baby and his birth mother.  It became a rehearsed prayer that I would say almost continuously, if I wasn’t talking out loud….I know, hard to believe!  I don’t think the timing of this was a coincidence because, as you all know, we got the call telling us we had been chosen by Jase’s birth mother the very next month.  Isn’t that awesome??!!

So, I say all of that to say this…..I didn’t stay positive and I rarely was sure that what we were doing would end well.  I certainly didn’t stay faithful throughout the entire journey, either.  But I do know when I wasn’t, there were others who were.  When I couldn’t pray, there were people who love me who did.  When I was beside myself with grief and discouraged beyond measure, the people who love me had kind words or Dr. Pepper or chocolate to bring me comfort.  I don’t have all the answers, heck, I don’t have very many answers at all….but I have learned a lot about myself along the way.   And I learned that no matter how far we go, how angry we get, how hopeless we feel or how ridiculous we may act, God’s grace is enough for us when we need it most and deserve it least!  Sometimes, we just have to put our faith in the process, painful as it may be and wait for what lies ahead.  I know that’s easy for me to say now that I’m on the other side of waiting but spent a really long time waiting, so I think I can say that with sincerity and not sound like a cliché.  I’ve said this before and I’m sure I’ll say it again, if the knowledge I’ve gained along the way is helpful to others, then I will gladly share what I’ve learned to make someone else’s life easier!

And now I must go get my baby up from his nap….that’s right, my baby, my sweet, handsome, funny little guy who is the light of my life and the reason for the smile on my face!!