There are
many clichés out there that really strike a nerve with me. If you have ever spent any time talking to
me, you are probably aware of this and might even be rolling your eyes as you
read, thinking, “Here she goes again!”
Most of those little sayings are used by seemingly harmless people who
are genuinely trying to encourage you. Usually,
what happens instead is those words are turned into swords that pierce the
heart of the very one they were intended to heal. I won’t list all of the little snippets that
drive me mad (that’s a post for another day, I think) but one word used in many
phrases that I would like to focus on today is time. People often say, “Time heals all wounds.” or
“It gets better with time.” Let me tell
you, when you are in the eye your hurricane of tragedy and grief, time is the
last thing you want to think about! You are
completely aware that as time passes, you are farther and farther away from the
last TIME
you heard that loved ones voice, felt their touch, drank in the scent of their warm
skin or just knew that they were here, alive and well. So telling someone who is grieving that it
will get better with time, is more painful than helpful.
But then one
day, you realize that a lot of time has passed since the last time you were sad
or cried and you begin to appreciate how cathartic the passage of time can
be. I know I have used this quote before
in a blog, although for the life of me, I couldn’t find it this morning when I was
looking through old posts. I feel like
this sums it up best…..
“It has been said ‘Time heals all wounds’. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting it’s sanity,
covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” ---
Rose Kennedy
I remember
one time when I was about 13 years old and I was trying to understand how the
death of a loved one impacted us. I asked
my dad if he still missed his father, who had passed away when my dad was 16
years old. I don’t believe I will ever
forget his answer, although I’m sure this isn’t an exact quote (but he couldn’t
tell you if it was, anyway!! J). He said he never
stopped missing him but as he got older, it didn’t hurt as much to think about
his dad. Then he went on to say, as time
passed, it was easier to think about good memories and not dwell on the
sadness. I have come to learn that this
is so very true, when considering any loss of a loved one. Although, there is not a clearly defined time
frame in which one has to spend to get to this point. It is as individual as we all are.
So, it’s
Christmas. The magical time of year when
the world is lit by those beautiful Christmas lights and we see smiles on children’s
faces as they greet Santa and open carefully wrapped gifts. For some, though, the Christmas season is
anything but magical. If you have ever
been suspended in a world of grief during the holiday season, you can relate to
this. While others are out frantically
shopping for the perfect gift and cheerfully celebrating with family and
friends, those who are grieving are desperately trying to just get through the
days ahead, sometimes one moment at a time.
With each Christmas card received, they are reminded of how their family
is missing an important piece. At the
very mention of a family gathering, they are both anxious and exhausted as they
try to figure out how they will navigate this “new normal” of celebrating
without the one they love so dear.
This never
goes away……it may only become less difficult, but it never completely goes away
and it will never be the same. I have
said before that I feel like part of my purpose and story is to educate others
on the adoption process but I also feel a real sense of responsibility to those
who are grieving. I feel as though I should
bring some light to that not so familiar territory of how to love on someone
who has lost. A long time ago, I shared
with Jon and since then, I have shared with others that if after experiencing
our own tragedy, we can help just one person navigate their own loss, at least
something good will have come from what we have been through. I don’t claim to be an expert but, unfortunately,
I do have some experience in grief and loss.
I know it’s painful and sometimes ugly but I also know that those who
are dealing with it desperately need to be surrounded by those who love and
encourage them, especially at Christmas.
So, back to
the word time……the measurement of our days on earth. It is a bitter medicine that has both the
ability to dull the sting of our heart’s wounds and remind us that the distance
between us and our loved ones who are gone continues to grow. It never stops. The days continue to pass, no matter what
season of your life you are in. For
some, we wish time would slow so we can take in all the wonders of our daily
lives. Others wish time would hurry so
they could experience what they hope to be better days. Then there are those who just need time, to process, to grieve, to
heal, to remember or forget, to learn, to breathe, and to rest. The amount of time those people may need
cannot be measured in days or years and is not for anyone to decide.
No, time
does not heal all wounds. And, yes, it
is truly a gift. This Christmas season I challenge you to reach out to those you know who need some extra love and give
them the gift of your time. Give a hug,
send a text, mail a Christmas card. Be authentic and encouraging in your acknowledgement of their loss. It
may be tough for you but I guarantee, it doesn’t compare to how uncomfortable
they are feeling during this time. Your genuine
demonstration of compassion will be treasured and could be just what they are
needing at that particular moment as they work through this season.
Merry
Christmas to you and yours!
