A Time to Be Thankful…..

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, the day when we Americans cook ridiculous amounts of food to be consumed like gluttons as we contemplate those things in our lives that we are most grateful for.  Many people spend November sharing something they are thankful for with others for each day of the month.  As I filled the dishwasher today, I was thinking, “I should post something witty and heartwarming tomorrow to share with everyone.”  So, my creative juices started flowing and I realized I couldn’t possibly post a list that long as a Facebook status.  I decided I should just write a blog post because what I need to share shouldn’t be limited to a single status.

First and foremost, I am thankful for God’s grace and availability.  Sounds silly but if you have ever been so broken that you need to talk to someone at 4am, there is peace in knowing God is always there.  Never judging, always listening.  There have been countless moments in the past 4 months when the only thread that has held me together has been the fact that I can say a prayer at any given time, asking God to help me get through the next seconds without losing my mind or falling apart.  I learned a long time ago that praying for others helps to calm me down.  Many of you have no idea how much you have been prayed for by me in the past few months!!! 

Secondly, words could never express how thankful I am for my husband.  He has literally seen me at my worst and he is still here.  Sometime after we got home from California, I was talking with a friend about what had happened.  She said she was at work when she got the message that we were going to have to give Jensen back.  After reading it, she said to those she was with, “I hope Jon scoops her up and holds her tight because she needs him so much right now.”  I was sure to tell her that he did exactly that.  This poor man carried me up 2 flights of stairs that horrible day and never complained about it!  He physically picked me up and carried me.  We all know what the standard marriage vows say and I can tell you that he has more than honored them.  He has cherished me during the absolute most terrible days of my life and I thank God every day that we have each other.  It’s unfortunate that not everyone has been blessed with the kind of relationship that we have but I am thankful that we have been blessed to have each other. 

The rest of my thankfuls are not necessarily in any particular order.  I am so thankful for the unconditional love and support of my parents who have done as much as humanly possible for us this year.  Until this past July, I never knew what my mother meant when she would say, “When it comes to my kids……”  Now I know what she was talking about.  My dad has always said, “You can say what you want about me, but don’t talk about my wife or my girls.”  Now I know what he was talking about.  There have been several times this year that each of them have told me they wish they could make all of this better.  I’m so thankful for parents who love me like they do.  Not everyone is so blessed with parents like mine and I’m extremely thankful for them both.

Our families and friends have been a phenomenal support system to us.  We are so thankful for the encouraging texts, emails, Facebook messages and phone calls that you have all sent us this year.  You have no idea how much it means to know that all the people we love are concerned for us, praying for our greatest heart’s desire right along with us.  We can only hope to repay the kindness and support that has been shown to us to all of you whom we love.  We pray for you all and are so thankful to have you in our lives.  You have no idea how much we need you.

I’m thankful to live in a small town.  Not to sound to cliché but the county fair was going on while we were in California and I have been told by several of our friends that people in our community were asking on a daily basis how things were going for us.  I received a text message from a good friend while we were gone that simply said, “This whole town is praying for you guys, hoping you all 3 get to come home.”  What a blessing to know that our home town is rooting for us!  I love my town and am thankful for close knit community that we are blessed to be a part of.

I am thankful for our work families.  JP has worked at his job for almost 13 years and I have been at mine for over 6.  You can’t spend that much time with people and not build relationships that are lifelong.  Our work families have been amazing to us this year by offering kind words and being supportive in ways they probably will never know.  The girls I work with have stepped up and helped me get through so many days by just holding my hand or helping me deal with situations they probably never dreamed they would have to be in.  Our coworkers have helped us get through some pretty rough days and we are so thankful for that.

I am thankful for the things we have that make our life routine.  Our dogs, our cows, our home, our farm, our vehicles, our jobs and our favorite brown recliners…….when your life gets turned upside down, having the things that make your life seem “normal” can sometimes be the only way you get through a day.  Try being 2,000 miles away from home, heartbroken and empty, with no one but each other.  Watching your garage door come open at 3am and seeing your car sitting there, knowing your recliner waits inside for you brings a level of comfort that you may never understand.  Standing at the gate while you water cows and count calves brings a comfort and peace to my soul like nothing else.  The mundane things that we call our own can help calm the demons that rage in your mind, bringing you back from the edge of insanity.  And everyone knows that our dogs are pretty awesome!  I wish I could be the person Belle and Sadie think I am.  I am so thankful for the little things in my life that are so extremely important to us.

As you sit around the table tomorrow with your family, eating those delicious dishes prepared by yourself and loved ones, take a quick second to just stop, breath and remember that it’s the little things in life that will bring you peace and joy.  Make memories today, cherish your loved ones, eat a second piece of pie and say another prayer for the JP’s.  We are spending Thanksgiving at home and our baby is in California.  Yes, we are thankful for all of these things mentioned but we are still missing a piece of our hearts on this holiday.  I will leave you with this verse that has been on my mind this week as I contemplate our circumstances.

Hebrews 11:1  “Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.”

Pick me!!! Pick me!!!!

 

Remember when you were in elementary school and everyone at recess decided to play kickball?  Captains were chosen, kids lined up anxiously waiting to be “picked” so they could show off their amazing third grade skills for all of their friends.  Fortunately, I was usually picked pretty quickly since I was fast back then.  I know, hard to believe that I was a fast runner but I have been this tall since I was 9, so that made me like the fastest girl in third grade!  Even though I knew I would be picked soon, there was still a lot of anxiety as I stood there, out in front of all the other 9 year olds, being judged, looked over head to toe and praying to God that I wouldn’t be picked last.  That’s what this time period feels like to me…..waiting to be picked while I’m standing out in front of everyone, vulnerable and exposed.

Carol from Adoption Network called today to give us an update on our status.  Every time my phone rings and it shows up “UNKNOWN” I almost come clean out of my skin!  As my trembling hands hold my phone and swipe to answer the call, my mind races.  Is this it?  Are they calling to say we have been picked again?  Is this the call that will help heal our broken hearts?  What if the worst happens to us again?  Can we handle this?  If you know me, you know that all of those questions and more can actually run through my head in the quick 2 seconds it takes to realize who is calling and physically answer the phone with a very shaky, almost nauseous sounding, “heeellooo??”  My body almost goes into shock in those few seconds with an erratic heart rate, increased respiratory rate, visibly shaking limbs and near paralysis.  I wish there was nothing in this world that had that much power of my physical and emotional being!  I guess I should just chalk it up to being a parent and the vast realm of emotions and feelings that comes along with that package.

So, Carol said that we had 143 hits on our Adoption Network for October and over 60 for November.  Remember, we were the “featured family” for the month of October, which essentially means we were the first couple to be seen when you went to the website.  Our profile was mailed directly to 1 birthmother last month and has already been mailed to another this month.  This time last year I would have been ecstatic over this information, thrilled, overjoyed, hopeful, filled with anticipation, to say the least.  Now, after what we have been through, I’m like, “meehhh…”  I mean, how can I really get excited about that many people looking into some of the most intimate details of my personal life and choosing not to pick me?  Am I seriously supposed to be happy about that?

It is utterly disheartening to realize that the unknown caller is not calling to tell you that you have been picked but rather they are calling to tell you that a significant number of people looked at you and decided you weren’t good enough.  Like being the kid who was picked last every time, only worse.  This isn’t kickball, this is my life, my dream, my family.  The level of disappointment that this brings is indescribable.  The closest comparison I can make would be if you were excited about your birthday, anxiously awaiting presents and affirmation only to find that no one even recognizes your special day or wants to celebrate with you.  That really doesn’t do justice to how I feel but it’s the best explanation I can think of to share.

I’ve not written anything in a while because I just don’t have anything to say.  If you have been following our journey, you have a small picture of how broken we have been.  It’s hard to write something to share with everyone who has supported us, when I don’t really have anything to say beyond sharing the details of our heartache, which I just can’t do. .  I have shared with my besties that I’m not just tired of being sad, I’m tired of having a reason to be sad.  I have good days and not so good days, just like with any life changing tragedy.  My support system has literally been lifesaving and I thank God every day for all of you!

I am slowly learning to accept what my counselor has called my “new normal”.  It’s ok to accept that things are not what you expected.  It’s scary, unsettling and disappointing but it’s ok.  No one can go through what we have been through on this journey and not be changed in some way.  One of the things I recently noticed that has changed for me is that I have started to pray for our birthmother again.  Before we had been chosen by Nicole, I prayed every night for the woman who would choose us to be the parents of our child.  I would pray that God would give her strength and courage to make the right decision.  I had not been able to pray that until a couple weeks ago.  Let me just say that is HUGE progress for me, mentally and emotionally.

So, for now, I will accept that not being picked today is part of our story.  I will continue to trust and pray that we will be picked soon for our forever baby.  And I will continue to thank God for all of you who love us and pray for us as we make our way to becoming a family.

Life really does go on......

I’ve heard people say this before, that life goes on but I never knew how real it was.  If you have experienced a significant loss, like the death of a parent, sibling, child, spouse, grandparent or close friend, you know how absolutely devastating it is when you realize just that, life goes on.  You still have to pay your bills, which means you have to go to work.  You still have to buy groceries, which means you have to see people.  While you are out, learning to live what is your “new normal”, you shockingly find that everyone else is living their lives with what seems like no regard for your agony.  It’s such a difficult thing to work through.  You understand that others are not being hurtful but in your heart it does hurt to see people who can somehow be happy with everyday life while you feel like your whole world has been shattered.

We have said that we feel like what we have experienced is worse than a death.  I don’t mean to belittle anyone’s devastation of losing a child, so let me explain.  When a child passes away, or anyone you love, for that matter, they are gone forever.  As horrible as that sounds, there is a finality that death brings with the promise of seeing your loved one again in heaven.  In our situation with Jensen, he’s not dead.   He’s very much alive, just with someone else.  It would be better compared to a kidnapping.  We know he’s out there somewhere but we have no way of knowing whether or not he’s hungry, crying, cold, anxious or lonely.  For me to say that worrying about all of that breaks me over and over again each time I think of it is a huge understatement.  I can’t even begin to accurately describe what it’s like to worry about someone who you know you will probably never see again.  He’s 2,000 miles away from us and will probably never even know who we are, how he changed our lives or how much we love him.

Tomorrow, Jensen will be 9 weeks old.  Yesterday marks 8 weeks since he was taken from us.  As I thought about how much time has passed since I was able to hold him in my arms, I remembered the words to a Reba McIntire song.  “If I had only known it was my last night by your side, I’d pray a miracle to stop the dawn.  And when you’d smile at me, I would look into your eyes and make sure you know my love for you goes on and on.  If I had only known, the love I would have shown, if I had only known.”  Those words ring so true for me.  I can remember Jon talking on the phone that awful Tuesday morning to his sister in law, Rhonda and him telling her that I wouldn’t put Jensen down.  That was absolutely the truth.  As we waited for the news that would devastate us, I could not do anything but hold that sweet baby and look at his precious face.  The only time I wasn’t holding him, his Daddy was.  I wouldn’t have done it any different.  I just wish I could have had more time.  I know that sounds bizarre since I know how it ended but I would give anything to have just one more second with him.  Just because the ending wasn’t what we planned, doesn’t mean I would trade a single second that we had with Jensen.  Garth Brooks sang it well when he said, “Our lives are better left to chance.  I could have missed the pain but I’d have had to miss the dance.”  I was lucky enough to have experienced the amazing joy of what it feels like to be a mommy, even if for only 5 days.  I would do it all over again, even knowing how it would make me feel, just to touch his soft skin, see his dark eyes and smell his unforgettable scent.

Now, without Jensen, we are learning to live our “new normal”.  That may be hard for you to understand.  You might be thinking, “Living without a baby isn’t different for them, is it?”  Our “new normal” is learning to live our lives exactly the opposite of how we expected them to be right now.  I shouldn’t be back to work yet.  We should have car seat bases in our vehicles.  I shouldn’t have time to write a blog.  Jon should be telling his work buddies a funny story about his cute baby.  We should have a baby room full of presents for a baby who is loved by so many.  I should be posting pictures on Facebook, like every other new mommy.  And we should be waking up at night to feed a baby, not from nightmares.

Life goes on and there really isn’t a damn thing we can do about it but go on with it, hoping we can somehow learn something valuable from our loss rather than be swallowed up by our all consuming grief.

Sometimes, there is no reason.....

 I have been thinking a lot lately and have spent some time trying to gather these thoughts so I can share them.  This post is just that, my thoughts, take them for what they are worth…….

As JP and I have made our way together down this journey to have a family, I have come to conclude some things about life and its unexpected twists and turns.  One thing I have come to know for sure is that sometimes bad things happen to good people, period.  We, as humans, try to justify and rationalize every little thing that comes our way, from finances to career moves, losing loved ones or in our case, trying to have a family.  I am a thinker, in fact, I am an “over thinker”.  I go over and over conversations, situations and motives in my mind to the point of exhaustion.  I even over analyze potential circumstances so that I am prepared, “just in case”.   I have tried to figure out why something is or has happened so much that I don’t sleep.  As humans, our attempt to analyze the “why” of a situation is our feeble need to be assured that we are not being punished for something we have done in our past.  We have been taught from an early age that if you are good, you are rewarded and if you are bad, you are punished.  The extension of that thinking is that we all believe that when something bad does happen to us, it must be a direct result of something we did and are being punished.  This is simply not true!

I read a great book this summer that put this entire line of thinking into perspective for me.  The god that I believe in does not sit arbitrarily on a majestic throne with a sparkling scepter waiting to decide who to bless and who to punish.  There are plenty of people who are considerably more faithful than I who have experienced life changing devastation as a result of unanswered prayers.  To that end, there are also people in this world who I believe are far more wicked than myself and they have experienced the joy of an answered prayer, only to go on living their lives as before.  Your level of righteousness is not in direct proportion to whether or not God chooses to answers your prayers.  The fact of the matter is that in most situations, there are others involved who choose not to do what they should and that affects our lives negatively.  For instance, the young mother killed by a drunk driver was not being punished, neither was her family.  Instead, someone made a choice to drink and drive and as a result, an entire family had to suffer the consequences.  Our lives are affected so greatly by the choices of others, both in a positive and negative manner.  God specifically created us with the ability to make our own choices, good and bad.

We have moral freedom.  We can choose to be kind or selfish, caring or hurtful, honest or dishonest.  If we choose to behave in a way that we know is morally wrong, God is not going to stop us.  God created us with our own free will, to do with our lives as we please.  When we are living our lives seeking after God’s own heart, we strive to make the good choices, being kind, caring and honest with others.  God will not stop you from hurting others or making choices that hurt yourself.  He has told us that certain things are wrong and we will suffer consequences from making such decisions.  We can either take His word for it or learn the lesson afterward.

I’m not here to say that God does not perform miracles, because I can think of 4 people right off the top of my head, who by all accounts should not be alive today.  What I am saying is that when we don’t have our prayer answered that we are desperately pleading God for, it has nothing to do with our faithfulness to him.  We can not think that, period.  It is purely self-destructive and absolutely wrong.  When things happen to us, when tragedies come our way, it is so hard not to ask why.  We will never be able to give meaning to the senseless and horrible things that happen to us.  What we can do, after we have allowed our hearts and minds ample time to process the situation and grieve, is ask ourselves what we are going to do about the difficult circumstances we are facing.  We can either let it define us or just be a part of our story.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I have spent a lot of time being angry and even more time being sad.  God doesn’t expect us NOT to deal with the problems we face.  He made us with these powerful and sometimes overwhelming emotions.  Nothing that we feel is new to God and I am certain that he can handle all of the emotions we experience, especially anger.  Our chaplain from California told us that a healthy relationship, whether with another person or with God, is one in which you are comfortable and free to express all of your emotions, even anger without retaliation.  God works the same way.  If you are angry at him because of something that you have endured, tell Him, He’s big enough to handle anything you throw at him.  We were never promised a life free of pain but we were promised that we would be given strength and courage to deal with the pain.

Another thing I have come to further understand is that those who love you are also hurt by the things that break you.  I don’t want to say that I enjoy seeing our friends and family in pain but it has brought comfort to my broken heart to see that our friends and family are hurt by our suffering.  While others are hurting for us and with us, we are able to get a small glimpse of how much we mean to everyone which shows us that we are not alone.  To be prayed for and loved by so many has been so helpful to us.  Quite honestly, when I see others cry over our situation, it helps to solidify my feelings of not being alone in this extremely painful time.  If you are willing to cry for and with us, you have shown us how important we are to you and that is something no one can ever take away from us.

We prayed for Jensen to come home with us.  Nicole chose not to do what she should have done.  This was not caused by God or anyone's fault.  It simply happened.  We prayed for strength and courage to survive this unspeakable horror that we have been through.  We may not have received the miracle we had so desperately hoped for but what we did discover is that we have amazing people around us for support, God beside us for courage to face another day and strength within ourselves to hold each other when needed.  This is definitely not what we asked for but I refuse to spend another moment wondering why this has happened to us.  Instead, I chose to ask what am I going to do about it and the answer is simple.  I am taking one day at a time, praying for Jensen and Nicole and waiting for our forever baby.

The next step for us

I had my first day back to work today and to quote my friend Stephanie, “You lived.”  It wasn’t easy and there were a few rough spots in the day.  I was so thankful to have my work friends there with me today, especially when someone who hadn’t heard what happened patted me on the back and said, “Hey Mom.”  I sort of freaked out but my friends handled it for me.  I’m proud to say I work with some pretty amazing people!

When I first started this blog, I had no idea what it would lead to.  I was actually just being lazy and using it as a tool to let our friends and family know what was going on without having to send multiple text messages or emails.  With one fell swoop, I was able to let everyone know what we were doing on our way to having a family while sharing my thoughts and feelings.  I have grown to enjoy writing my postings and have been told by several people that I should write a book.  I don’t feel like I am being inspirational as I write but I am glad that others have found encouragement through my words.  I have come to decide that part of my reason for writing is to educate others about domestic adoption and the process entailed.  There is so much that is involved in all of this that people wouldn’t know otherwise unless we were sharing with everyone.  Not to mention, I have found great comfort in having an outlet to air my feelings with no repercussions.

I write this post tonight on the eve of the anniversary of what we formerly referred to as “the worst day of our lives”.  This is a day that we both have a hard time getting through as we remember how we struggled and I literally fought to live on that day 3 years ago.  I wanted to share a quote from Rose Kennedy as I think about the loss we have experienced.  “It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’  I do not agree.  The wounds remain.  In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens.  But it is never gone.”  This is so very true.  Even in the midst of the devastating loss we have experienced this summer, we remember the pain that we felt that day and the loss that we will never forget, our only pregnancy.  The pain is not as intense but it is still there.  I would imagine that as we continue to heal from the loss of our son, we will feel the same.  A pain that is less intense but still there as a reminder of what we have been willing to do to have a family.

We talked with Carol and Cynthia this week, as planned to try to get a few more answers to our questions.  One of our biggest questions was why there wasn’t a social worker available, especially after we specifically asked for one.  As we already know, adoption laws are different from state to state.  One of the factors regarding those laws is the level of involvement that the adoption social worker plays.  Some states, California included, frown on an adoption social worker being present in the hospital as it can be misunderstood as coercion, should the adoption later be contested by the birth parents.  Now that we know that, we kind of understand but we felt like that should have been better explained to us up front, rather than leaving us feeling like we were being left out in the cold, alone, 2,000 miles from home!

We also wanted to know why the legal documents for Nicole to surrender her parental rights were not signed before she left the hospital.  Unfortunately, as with so much of the situation, the timing of when the relinquishment papers are signed is up to the birth mom.  She decides when she will sign the papers, period.  So, when she said she wanted to sign the day after discharge that is completely acceptable, much to our dismay.  She is allowed to determine how much time she will spend with the baby while in the hospital, whether or not she participates in counseling before and after the birth and whether or not she stays on the maternity floor instead of being transferred to another floor.  As I said before, I feel like this is an avenue for me to provide education to those of you who are following us along this journey.  Hopefully, this will answer some of your questions, as well.  As far as we are concerned, this was not at all how we understood the process to be, so we were very alarmed and confused when these things were happening and felt unprepared to deal with them.  Now that we know, we will be better able to cope with the hospital stay for next time.

Interestingly enough, we also learned that most birth moms who change their mind and decide to parent, do so shortly after the birth of the baby.  Few adoptive parents leave the hospital only to have the birth parents change their mind before legal custody is obtained.  When I learned this, I thought, “Of course it doesn’t happen often.  Neither does rain in July in central California or taxi cabs that won’t start or any of the totally bizarre course of events that led us to California!!”

One of the things we have been concerned with is how we will deal with the next adoption opportunity.  We were comforted to know that the next birth mom who picks us will know that we have experienced a disrupted adoption.  That alone shows how committed we are to this and what we are willing to do to have a family.  I’m certain we will be guarded but we will make a constant effort to not compare our next birth mom with Nicole.  That would not be fair to any of us.

Last night, Carol called to review what we had discussed Monday night.  We decided to go back online and our web sites were reactivated early this morning.  She also told us that we will be the featured family for October.  That means we will be the first family that birth moms will see when they contact ANLC.  I can honestly say that I was not excited to hear our web sites had been reactivated.  This time last year, I was working feverishly to get the information out for those web sites to be activated.  Now, I’m just sorry they have to be turned back on.

I have said this before and I’m sure I will say it many more times, this is not the end of our story.  We will fight, tooth and nail, scratching and clawing our way to find our family.  We refuse to allow this to be over for us.  I will leave you with one final quote that I have found to inspirational in the last several weeks……”Whatever you do, hold onto hope!  The tiniest thread will twist into an unbreakable cord.  Let hope anchor you in the possibility that this is not the end of your story, that change will bring you to peaceful shores.”

"Sometimes the things we can't change end up changing us."

I would like to start this post by saying thank you.  Actually, thank you seems thousands of miles away from how we truly feel.  We could never really be able to adequately express how grateful we are to all of our family and friends who have supported us this summer.  Jon and I have experienced tragedy before, with the loss of our only pregnancy the same day as his dad passed away.  We both feel that what we have faced this summer has been much worse than what we previously referred to as “the worst day of our lives”.  Once again, we were reminded of how loved we are by those around us.  Before we even left, so many people shared in our excitement and while we were in California, we could feel the prayers being lifted for us by people all across the country.  We could never say what it meant to us knowing that so many people were “on our side” throughout this journey.

As you can imagine, coming home was bittersweet.   We wanted so desperately to be near the people we loved but at the same time, we understood that leaving California meant leaving Jensen behind.  We were so relieved to be home, with family and friends to embrace us as we worked toward mending our broken hearts.  We are far from whole as we continue to take things one day at a time but we are making progress.  As we sat in the hospital, waiting for Nicole to decide if we could leave with Jensen, I looked at JP and said, “If this doesn’t work out, I’ll never be able to come back from that.  I’ll never be the same and I don’t think I can ever recover.”  I would be lying if I didn’t say that there have been times when this has been so difficult that the thought of having to bear the next second was agonizing.  We have both tried to utilize our resources as we make our way through this.  I have read several books and we have seen a counselor.  I have also kept in touch with the chaplain who played such an important role in this journey.  She has been an invaluable resource to us along the way and I truly feel like she was sent to us straight from God.  We are working through the grief process together, respecting each other along the way and learning from each other as we heal.  One thing we have come to appreciate is that grief isn’t a one-time experience and then it’s over.  It’s an ongoing process that needs and deserves attention and respect.  I think that grief is like a fire.  It must be allowed to burn completely out on its own rather than being snuffed out or having someone pour water on it because it’s uncomfortable.  In order for grief to be worked through properly, it must be tended to, admired, stoked gently and revered.  Although rushing through the grief process may seem easier, you will only hurt yourself in the end.  If you have not fully grieved a situation that you have endured, it will only rear its ugly head the next time you are faced with something similar or worse yet, you will never be able to move past that which has caused you so much pain.  I can’t think of anyone who would want to live that way, with the hurt of the past constantly hanging over them, creeping into every possible happy moment.

Having said that, I want to thank everyone for allowing us to grieve in our own ways and not rushing us to move onto the next step.  Never once have I felt as though anyone was trying to hurry us through this.  We have felt so blessed to have so many people who love and support us, even from afar.  We truly appreciate you for respecting us and allowing us the time and space that we have needed as we work through this together. 

We met with our social worker in Overland Park on Wednesday to update our home study, which is a yearly requirement when you are awaiting an adoption.  Hillary is one of the most amazing women I have ever met.  She is so insightful and perceptive and is very knowledgeable about the adoption process.   Hillary is completely unattached from Adoption Network.  She is a social worker who has an adoption agency and we have chosen to use her for our home study process.  We told her the whole story, from the phone call saying Nicole had chosen us to the moment we were sitting in her office.  She was shocked and horrified and at one point said, “You can’t make this stuff up.  In fact, if this were fiction, I would say, ‘You have gone too far here.  This is too much!  It’s not believable.’”  When we were finished telling her everything, she said, “I want to tell you both something right now.  There is nothing you could have said or done differently that would have changed the outcome of this situation.  You did and said everything right.  None of this was your fault and I want you to know that.”  I was so relieved to hear a professional adoption social worker say that to us.  I have relived almost every moment we were in California, thinking, “What if we had done this?  Should we have said that?”  I have lain awake every night thinking and remembering everything, trying to make sense of all of this.  By her telling us that, I literally felt a weight lifted off of me, as though I finally understood this was not my fault.

Some of you know we bought Nicole a keepsake, not to say “thank you for giving us your baby” but rather a personalized token of our appreciation for the happiness she was bringing us by making this difficult choice.  When she came to take Jensen from us, she tried to give it back to Jon while I stood back holding Jensen.  I stepped forward and said, “No, that is for you.  Keep it.”  After hearing this, Hillary said that by doing that, we showed Nicole our true character.  She pointed out that in our moment of deepest sorrow and heartache, we were able to continue to be the same people we are, honest, loving and compassionate and Nicole will always remember that.  She will know that there are people in this world who are capable of giving without strings attached and no further expectations.  I had never thought of it in that way and although a part of me hopes that when she looks at it she feels guilty, I am proud of us for being able to show Nicole who we are, no matter what the circumstances.

Hillary talked through some of the situation with us and gave us some specific questions to ask Adoption Network.  She also said to call her the next time we are presented with an adoption opportunity and she would go over the information with us and discuss any details that she might consider to be “red flags”.  She encouraged us to continue to pursue adoption and even offered to network for us, in addition to what Adoption Network will be doing for us.  We left feeling like we had gained valuable information for how we should proceed.

When we first signed up with Adoption Network, we were assigned an adoption consultant.  Once we were chosen by Nicole, we were handed over to an adoption advisor.  Now that we are in the category of “disrupted adoption”, we have been handed over to a client liaison, named Carol.  I emailed her today and let her know that we had several questions and weren’t sure who we should direct them toward.  She said she would try to answer them and we scheduled a phone call for this evening.  We had 13 questions written down and Carol was only able to answer 4 of them.  I was disappointed by that at first but she plans to visit with Cynthia to get some answers for us and we will talk with both of them next week.  During our conversation, I told Carol that we had been working hard to deal with our feelings related to what we have been through and that we have waited to talk with her because we have been angry about the situation and outcome.  She said she appreciated my honesty and was glad that I shared that.  Lucky for her, I didn’t call 3 or 4 weeks ago!

So, where are we now?  We are healing, grieving and trying to get back into our lives.  We know that we will never be the same people we were on July 11.  We understand that it will take time to fully process and deal with all of the emotions that are involved with this.  We are so grateful for the wonderful people in our lives who love and care for us so much.  We will always love Jensen and he will forever have a special place in our hearts.   We are not giving up on adoption or having a family.

We are forever changed......

3 weeks doesn't really seem like a long time but it seems like forever since we first met Jensen, 3 long weeks ago.  As I try to deal with my emotions and healing, I often find myself closing my eyes and trying to remember every second he was with us.  I think of his beautiful black hair, dark eyes, smooth skin and crooked smile.  It seems like very few seconds go by without something reminding me of one of his features, likes, dislikes or behaviors.  I know it may seem silly but in those 5 precious days we were his parents, we already knew things about him that we will never forget.  He will always be our son and will forever hold a special place in our hearts and families.
Many people have asked us what is next....right now, our only plan is to try to heal.  Our hearts have been forever broken and to quote JP, "This wasn't a puppy dog.  It will take a long time to get over this."  Some people, in an effort to encourage us have said, "You will have a baby, I just know it."  Again, to quote JP, "We don't want another baby.  We want Jensen back."  We don't expect you to understand what we are going through or how we are dealing with it.  All we ask is that you be patient with us.  This is a grieving process for us and we must work through it together and individually in our own time and in our way.  I spoke with the Chaplain from California again tonight as we have chosen to stay in touch with her.  During our conversation she said, "Pain is real, it's crappy and it's real.  It is part of your life and who you are and who will become.  Take it seriously and deal with."  I felt like that was one of the most real things that has been said to us.  This sucks, bad.  It wasn't supposed to be with this was and now it has become part of our lives and who we are.
We have gone over every moment and asked ourselves "what if we had done this?" or "should we have said that?"  I think about all the adversity we faced just to get to him and how it seemed at every disappointment, around the corner was a flicker of hope.  I've said this before but we still truly believe that Jensen was supposed to come home with us.  There were too many circumstances that worked out perfectly for this to have been anything other than divine.  Nicole chose to put herself first in this situation and like every other part of it, we are working through the anger that she has caused us, as well.
I have felt so alone during the past few weeks but found comfort in something rather ordinary.  One sleepless night, while channel surfing, I found a show on the Oxygen channel that comes on Monday nights called "I'm Having Their Baby".  It's a show about adoption!  The first episode I watched featured a birth mom who changed her mind more than once about her adoptive parents and eventually decided to parent her baby.  It was like I had a dawning revelation that we are not the only people in world who this has happened to.  I don't want to say I found comfort in the fact that others have suffered the way we are, but I did find encouragement in the fact that although those couples experiences what is called a disrupted/ failed adoption, they went on to have a family successfully through adoption.  If you care to stay up late on a Monday night, watch that show and you will gain some perspective on the adoption process and what it is like for birth and adoptive parents.  I assure you that you will learn something.
I also found a website called AdoptiveFamilies.com.  They have support groups you can join, one of them being adoption loss.  I joined the group and read the story of a woman who's husband's name is Jon.  They did in vitro 3 times, had a miscarriage then chose to adopt.  They were chosen by a young couple, met with them and even went to dr appointments with them.  They took the baby home from the hospital and 2 days later had to give the baby back to the birth mother who's family had shown up and promised to help her raise the baby.  The parallels of their story and ours were almost freaky.  I read it to Jon and he just looked at me with a wild eyed expression and said, "Wow, wow, that's crazy."  Again, reading this story was another chance for me to realize that this has happened to others and we will survive.
We have had a lot of losses that will take a lot of time to grieve and deal with completely.  We have not given up on having a family.  We have not given up on adoption.  Truthfully, we haven't given up on Nicole or Jensen yet.  We pray every night that she will realize that he belongs with us. 
I will leave you with a quote from C.S. Lewis that I stumbled upon today.  "We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us.  We are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."  That pretty much sums up how we feel right now.  I ask that you be patient and gentle with us.  Sometimes silence is ok.  A simple smile with a pat on the back or a hug is welcomed.  Try to put yourself in our shoes, broken saddened, anxious and distraught and think of the things you would not want to hear someone else say.  Now is not the time for cliches and empty words.  Now is the time for love, support, prayers and knowing that we can count on you if we need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen.
Thank you............the JP's

Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath. ~Eckhart Tolle

I am angry, so very angry.  I am just plain pissed!  How on earth could someone sleep at night knowing what they have done to us?!  Why does another woman get to hold my son, rock him to sleep, give him kisses and watch him grow?  I am so very mad!
One week ago today was the turning point in our lives.  We struggled while we were in the hospital with Nicole, the birth mother, going back and forth in her decision to continue with the adoption.  Once we left the hospital, we thought we were in the clear.  Sure, we had more ridiculous obstacles to face, which I shared in my last post but we both just knew in our hearts that we were "safe" from any further heart break.
Last Monday, as we were preparing to leave Santa Maria and go to Pismo Beach, where we planned to stay until we got clearance to come home, yet another bomb shell was dropped on us.  The social worker who was to work with Nicole and get the paperwork complete for the relinquishment of parental rights called to notify us that Nicole wished to post pone the signing until Wednesday.  Immediately, I was sickened by this.  I asked if she gave any indication as to why she wanted to wait and he said no but that he thought it would actually be to our benefit, legally speaking, because she would then be under less of an influence of narcotics by waiting until Wednesday.  He said he didn't feel like she was changing her mind........he couldn't have been farther from the truth.
We left Santa Maria after a few more bumps in the road and arrived at Pismo Beach, which was absolutely amazing!  If you want to go to a beautiful part of California, go to the Central Coast.  If the circumstances were different, we could have really had a wonderful time there.
After we got into our room and settle, we continued to have those feelings of being so nervous we were nauseous!  We found ourselves saying at some point during each day, "Maybe we should eat something."  If you know us, you know that is completely out of the ordinary and an obvious sign of our emotional state.  So, Monday evening, I decided to go the store and get some food and baby supplies.  While I was in Wal-Mart, picking out diapers, my phone rang and it was Cynthia.  She said things weren't looking good, that Nicole was having serious doubts about the adoption and she had gone so far as to ask Cynthia how she could get Jensen back.
I was shocked, sickened and horrified!  I put the baby supplies back and went straight to the check out so I could get back to Jon and Jensen as soon as possible.  Cynthia claimed to have told Nicole that if she had decided she wanted to take Jensen back on Monday night, she would have to come get him that night.  Nicole asked if she could just wait until Tuesday morning!!!!!  Cynthia says she told her that would not be fair to us because we had bonded with him and love him and we were not her free babysitters.  Nicole said she was going to turn her phone off and go to church to pray about it.  She said she would let everyone know what her final decision would be the next morning.
We were once again crushed, heart broken, worried sick and crying as we cared for Jensen all night Monday night.  As you can imagine, we were up most of the night.  At one point, sobbing, I said to Jon, "I'll never be able to come back from this, Jon.  I just can't give him back.  I can't imagine our lives without him."
Jensen was a typical newborn and up early.  We were on edge as we fed and changed him, waiting to hear what Nicole would say.
Cynthia tried to call Nicole and got her voicemail.  She text her and Nicole replied, "I'm still sleeping."  Who does that?!  Our lives were in the balance and she was still freakin sleeping????  I was beyond aggravated over her being so inconsiderate of our feelings and emotions.
As we waited, we continued to pray for God to give Nicole peace and strength, for his protection over Jensen and our family.  It became sort of a chant that we just kept saying over and over.  We decided to take advantage of the moments we had as a family and took a walk out on the beach.  Jon took our picture as I held Jensen and we walked out into the Pacific Ocean.  It is very difficult to enjoy seeing an ocean for the first time while you are waiting for someone else to make a life changing decision for you.
Nicole text us shortly after we returned to the room and asked if Cynthia had called us.  We had heard absolutely nothing from Nicole since the morning before.  Cynthia had not called us so Jon called her.  She said she had just talked with Nicole and that she wanted to come and get Jensen.
I could never be able to find the words to describe what we felt at that moment.  I won't even attempt to try to explain to you what it is like to be told that you must give your son back after loving and cherishing him for 5 days.  I don't expect anyone to understand what that is like and I would appreciate if no one tried to say they do.  Unless the exact same thing has happened to you, you will never know what this is like for us.
At that moment, I dropped to my knees, with Jensen in my arms and shouted to God, "Please don't make me do this!  Please don't make him grow up this way!  Please let us take him home!  God, I beg of you not to tear apart my family!"  I can share the words with you but I can't tell you what it felt like without using some pathetic cliche that will never do it justice.
Nicole text and said she was on her way to get him and that she wanted him to be ready.  I just held him tight while Jon gathered his things, diapers, wipes, formula, etc.  I told Jensen he could be whoever he wanted to be and to strive for excellence and to always try to rise above his situation and be better.  Jon wanted him to have an outfit, so he picked one out to send with him.  We also wanted him to have the stuffed cow that was given to him as a gift.  She text and said she was just too sad to take him from us, so she was going to send her mother and brother.  I told Jon we didn't have to give him to anyone but her, legally, so he called Cynthia, who told Nicole she had to take him from us, no one else.  When Nicole text and said she was there, Jon turned to me and said, "Honey, we have to go downstairs."  Through tears, I simply said, "I can't do this."  He put his arm around me and said, "We have to."
We went down to the office of the Inn where we were staying and waited.  I was holding Jensen so tight, I thought he might squeal but he was as peaceful as he could be, sleeping soundly in my arms.  Jon saw Nicole drive by and she had no idea he could see her.  I wasn't looking but Jon says she had her arm out the window and was laughing.  That's not how someone acts when they are supposedly so distraught they can't face you.
Jon met her out on the sidewalk while I stayed under the awning of the parking garage.  He gave her the bag of supplies, showed her where we had written down the times he had eaten, when and where his follow up appt would be and gave her the cow and outfit.  Jon said, "We want him to have a cow from Missouri."  Nicole kept trying to say she was sorry but Jon just cut her off.  He was so upset.
We had given her a token of our appreciation and something to remember us by while we were all in the hospital.  She tried to give that back and I said, "No, that's for you."  She may be the kind of person who goes back on her word but I am not.  I wanted her to know that.
Jon turned around to me and took Jensen from my arms.  He hugged and kissed him and told him he would always love him.  He also told Jensen to cry all night, as loud as he wanted.  Then, I stood by him and watched him hand this precious boy, our gift from God to this person who has literally no way of taking care of him.  I leaned over him and kissed and hugged him so much that his beautiful black hair was matted with my tears.  I just said over and over, "Jensen, I love you so much.  I love you so much.  I will always love you."  Jon had turned around and hadn't realize that I didn't follow.  When he did, he grabbed me by my arms and said, "Honey, you have to let him go." and he pulled me away from the one person on this earth I had come to love more than life itself.
Jon turned me away and tried to get me to go inside but I was unable to walk.  He carried me up the stairs back to our room where I had a total break down.  Don't think Jon wasn't a mess, also.  At one point when he thought I had calmed down some, he said, "Honey, I know it looks like I'm ok but I'm not." and he began to weep.
We spent the rest of that day consoling each other, sobbing in each other's arms and feeling like we were in shock.  You should also know that on that same day, my dad was having a procedure done on the vessels in his legs to open up some severe blockages.  I was told later that day that my dad didn't handle the procedure very well and was having difficulty keeping his blood pressure up.  He was kept in the hospital overnight and is doing fine now, but Jon had to deal with that also.  At one point in the night, I sat straight up and looked at Jon across the room and started shaking.  He asked what was wrong and I said, "What happened the last time we lost a baby?"  He pointed his finger at me and said, "Don't say that!!  Don't even say it!!"  For those of you who don't know, the day we lost our first baby was the same day Jon's dad passed away.  The realization of the parallels of these events sent me into another hysterical reaction.  Fortunately, dad is doing well and hopefully that procedure will be the last for awhile.
We have been blessed to have had some wonderful people put directly into our path.  The hospital chaplain, Elizabeth, has truly been a god send.  She came to visit us on her day off to talk with us and help us start working through this.  She encouraged us to be open and honest with each other and with God as we work through our grief over this.  We have kept in touch with her since we have been home.
We don't expect everyone to understand how we deal with this but we do ask that you be patient with us.  We truly feel like God's plan was for Jensen to come home with us.  As my Grandma Drew said, Jensen staying in California is Nicole's will, not God's.  There were too many instances in which the most horrible thing could have happened and then miraculously, someone stepped in to help us.  But God has given humans the gift of free will and Nicole chose to do what she wanted instead of what God wanted.  You don't have to agree with that, but you can keep that to yourself.  We will hold fast to this and believe this with all of our hearts.
We made the decision to come home this past Friday, which was so heart wrenching.  We would have loved to have stayed there forever, hoping and waiting for Nicole to change her mind again.  But that was not reasonable and delaying our return home was like slowly ripping off a bandaid.  It was going to hurt coming home without him, no matter when we left.  Of course, true to form for us, the trip home was not without incident.  Our flight to Houston was delayed due to repairs so we ended up flying from LA to San Fransisco, after we had flown from Santa Maria to LA.  We completely back tracked and ended up at KCI around 12:30.  To top it off, our luggage was still in LA, so it wasn't delivered until Saturday.  If anything could have gone wrong with that trip, it simply did.
My parents picked us up from the airport and for the first time in my life I was able to appreciate their need to be with me when I hurt and hold me when I'm sad.  I said this before that I had no idea how fierce my love for my child would be.  I can also say that the intensity of that love doesn't change when you no longer have your child in your arms.  It has consumed me and I know for sure I will never be the same.........
I know you want to know what's next, that's the question we keep getting.  A few things I know for certain are this, that we must grieve this loss appropriately and respectfully before we move forward.  I also know that the love that Jon and I have is true and rare and it simply can't be stopped with us.  There will be someone who is raised in our home who will carry on this love and share it with others.  Finally, we are meant to be parents.  We are both made to love someone else unconditionally and cherish that life for the rest of our days.
Please continue to pray with us as we have many rough days ahead of us.  We truly appreciate all the prayers and words of encouragement we have received from those of you who love us.  It's totally cliche but times like these show us who our friends really are and we thank you for that.

Another chapter in our journey....

I'm not even really sure where to begin here.....many of you have followed my posts and read my blog updates for the past couple years as we have made our way through this journey to have a family.  You know that we have not had an easy time of it and there have been moments when it seemed like we were receiving bad news at every turn.  None of that compares to what we have experienced the last few days.  I will try to give you an idea of what has happened without getting into too many details.  I will warn you that this is probably the longest post I have ever made.  As you probably already know, this started on Wednesday with finding out that we weren't going to be there when Jensen was born.  The next thing we faced was the great United Airline tragedy of 2012 that we experienced on Thursday.  Having every flight delayed and spending the entire day in 3 different airports was nothing compared to the horrible flight into Santa Maria!  The weather was so bad we had to attempt our landing, that's right, I said attempt, 2 or 3 times before we actually touched the ground!!  It was so rough, I almost got sick and poor JP was just absolutely a nervous wreck.  I was ready for a parachute!!
When we finally landed and got our luggage, our taxi that was supposed to take us to the hospital to see Jensen was late!!!!  As JP tells the story, we were the last 2 people in this tiny airport with a security guard who looked like he was about 90 years old, waiting for our taxi to take us to see Jensen.  When the cab finally arrived, the driver was super nice and very helpful.  He told us when we call for our cab back to the airport, that we should allow 45 minutes for them to get to us.  (That will be important to know for later.)
So, we get to the hospital sometime after midnight, which means we had been up for almost 24 hours.  We were so tired and nervous as we waited for them to bring Jensen in to see us.  We sat together on the bed, holding hands and shaking all over.....then the nurse opened the door and brought him in to us and we were smitten!!!  He has this head full of hair that you can't believe!!  He is absolutely perfect and beautiful and wonderful! 
I leaned down and with tears in my eyes, asked if I could hold him.  The nurse was so funny when she said, "Of course you can, sweetheart!"  So, I picked him up and kissed and loved and cried on him and told him I had waited my whole life for him and was so glad to finally meet him.  I had no idea you could love someone so much whom you just met!  It wasn't too long before Jon came over and put his arms out to me and said he wanted to hold him.  Now, we had talked about whether or not he was going to hold him when we got there because he has never held a baby so new.  In fact, I think he has only held 2 babies that were tiny and they were a week old or more.  But he was in love with Jensen the moment he saw him and couldn't wait to get him in his arms.
If you know us, you are aware that I think JP is pretty great.  I mean, he's no angel and I complain about how he doesn't do things the way I want sometimes, but he's my lobster!  Not to sound too mushy but we really do have a great love and we truly need each other.  My love for him grew by leaps and bounds when I saw him holding our son.  If you have kids, you probably know what I mean when I say there isn't anything in the world so special as to see your husband holding your baby and telling him how much he loves him.  I knew it would be special but I had no idea how much it would melt my heart!
So, the nurses had the room all set up, with the pull out bed made for Jon and a hospitality tray for us.  They were so accommodating to us.  Forget everything you have heard about how California people are rude because we will argue with that!  We have been treated like royalty by everyone we have encountered....except the taxi driver today.  I'll tell you that later.
Jensen got to stay in the room with us for he rest of the night.  I was so amazed with him that I couldn't stop staring at him.  I had to take my glasses off so that I actually couldn't see him in order to try to go to sleep!  I slept for about 2 hours and then I couldn't stand it any longer!  I had to just hold him and love him!! 
Friday morning brought so many emotions.  We were looking forward to meeting Nicole, the woman who was going to make our dreams come true but as you can imagine we were very nervous.  Should we dress up or be casual?  Will she think we are weird because we will be so emotional?  So many questions and uncertainty was going through our heads.  Then she tells us she wants to wait to meet us until after her mother is there, in the afternoon but that she wants to see Jensen.  We were told to expect her to want to see him but it was so hard to send him away.
So, Friday afternoon we went to meet her and her mother.  Their main concern seemed to be whether or not we were going to tell Jensen about his birth family.  JP and I made the decision a year ago when we started this process that it would not be fair to not let our child know who he is or where he came from.  So, we tried to reassure them that we had planned this from the beginning and Jensen would know all about his birth family.  (I don't expect you to understand this but it is very important to us.)
We left from meeting Nicole with a good feeling.  She said she felt good about her decision and knew she was doing the right thing.  She even told Cynthia that.  Then Friday night, she started feeling depressed.  I'm sure a large part of that was her hormones and the reality of the situation had started to settle in.  She wanted to see him again and said she wanted to spend some time with him on Saturday when her family would be there.  What you need to understand at this point is the fact that she was asking me to see him was actually just her being nice.  While we were in the hospital, we actually had no legal rights to Jensen.  She is his birth mother and only she had the authority to say whether he was going to be in her room, the nursery or ours.  So, we really had no choice but to allow him to be with her whenever she asked.
Saturday morning, JP and I both woke up with a bad feeling.  It was so intense that we were both physically ill.  As the day past, I felt like my insides were shaking.  The level of anxiety I had was so intense I was shaking constantly.  While Nicole had Jensen, we tried to get something to eat and I got sick.  We were walking back to the hotel and JP said, "Honey, I have a bad feeling."  He is a very intuitive person and for him to say that out loud just made my heart sink to my toes.  It was like him saying that validated my feelings and made them real.
We went back to the room and just waited, impatiently.  Jensen was gone for several hours and we thought he was with Nicole.  She text and asked how he was doing and I replied that I thought she was with him.  She said she had sent him to the nursery to be fed a couple hours ago.  We quickly went to the desk to ask what was going on and Jensen's nurse met us in the hallway.  She came to our room and told us that Nicole let the nursing staff know that she was having doubts about her decision and apparently her family was trying to convince her she could keep him.  When Nicole's dr found out she was questioning her decision, he notified the hospital chaplain and asked her to visit with Nicole.  The nurse manager and the chaplain then called Cynthia to tell her what was going on and asked whether or not they should continue to allow Jensen to be with us and bond if there was a chance this would have a negative outcome.  They were looking out for our best interests but we were devastated.  I can not even begin to tell you what that felt like to hear that Nicole was considering keeping Jensen.  We had already bonded with him and were already completely in love with him.  The thought of him not coming home with us still makes it hard for me to breath.....
So Jensen's nurse asked us if we wanted to see him again.  Immediately I said, "Yes!"  I did not care what the next day would bring but I knew I would never be able to live with myself if I didn't spend every second possible with this precious boy.  She brought him back to us and we just stared at him and loved on him.  We could not believe that after all we had been through it would end like this.
The only thing we knew to do was to let our family know what was going on and ask them to pray with us.  The chaplain came in and visited with us for a bit and was honest.  She said it wasn't looking good at that point because Nicole's family was making all these promises to her about how they could help her, etc.  We asked the chaplain to pray with us and she told us that she would continue to pray that God would give Nicole strength and peace.  Last week at church, the sermon was about praying selfishly and how sometimes will not give us what we are praying for because we have selfish motives.  I wanted desperately to ask God why this was happening and for him to allow Jensen to come home with us but I remembered the sermon and simply prayed for God to give Nicole strength to make the right decision and peace about it.  I just said that over and over and over, all night and all morning.
While we sat in the room, just looking at Jensen, JP reached over, put his hand on my back and said, "Honey, I'm not sure what just happened but I just had a feeling come over me and I think everything is going to be fine."  I looked at him like he was nuts and said, "Don't say that!  You don't know it's going to be fine!"  A few hours later, as I sat holding Jensen in my arms and staring lovingly into his face, I had the same feeling of peace come over me and I said, "Honey, I just had the same feeling."
Cynthia had called us a few times to let us know what was going on.  She confirmed what the nurses were telling us but also said that Nicole wouldn't talk to her.  This was very discouraging because I felt like her refusal to talk to Cynthia was a statement to us that she was definitely considering taking Jensen home with her.  The last we heard from Cynthia was that Nicole said she was confused and needed to rest and would make her decision on Sunday morning.  Our hearts were in our stomachs.  We were on pins and needles and literally at the mercy of a hormonal 19 year.
Jensen was having some issues with his bilirubin and he ended up staying all night in the nursery last night under the lights.  The nursery nurse was so awesome!  She said she would bring him to us for feedings unless we were asleep because she wanted us to try to rest.  They brought him in for a feeding last night and I took him back.  JP said he couldn't go with him to the nursery.  After we found out Nicole was having doubts, JP became very guarded with him.  I think he was trying to protect himself against the worst.  I refused to let one second go by where Jensen was not aware that I love him.  When I took him back, he had a hard time settling in.  He already has a routine after he eats and he really likes to be swaddled.  Of course, they have to be naked under the bili lights and he wasn't happy about that.  The nurse said, "Mommy, why don't you try to calm him down and we will try this again."  I picked him up and within seconds he was quiet because I already know what he needs.  Instantly I was overcome with such grief and despair over the idea of me not being able to quiet his every cry.  I was holding him and sobbing.  We got him back in the bassinet and I just couldn't quit crying.  I knew that loving your my own child was going to be different that any other love I have experienced but I had no idea how fierce it would be and that it would instantly consume every ounce of my being.  The nurse quickly wrapped her arms around me and quietly said, "Try to keep your faith, honey and be strong."
I walked back to the room, crying and asked Jon if we could just lay together.  We fell asleep crying and praying that God would give Nicole strength and peace.  Until this week, I could count on one hand the times I have seen my husband cry.  We have both shed so many tears the past few days.
As soon as I woke up, I called the nursery and asked how Jensen was doing.  He was asleep but would be needing to eat about an hour later, so I waited patiently for them to bring me my sweet baby.  When he arrived, the nurse reported that his bilirubin was fine and he would be ok to be discharged today.  I asked her if Nicole had been in to see him at all and she said no.  Nicole hadn't asked about him either, which I took as a good sign.  I quickly scooped him up and hugged and kissed him, then I let him eat.
We continued to pray and cry as we held this precious boy.  Seconds seemed like hours as we waited to hear whether or not Nicole had made her decision.  She text me and said that she loved him very much.  I just decided I was going to be honest with her and I let her know that we love him, too.  I told her that he would always know who she is and where he came from and that we would love him unconditionally and support him in everything he does.
Once again, we found ourselves sitting side by side, holding hands and staring at Jensen.  We had received so many encouraging messages from our family and as Jon says, right about the time all of our midwest family was getting out of church, this tiny little Asian woman came in and said she was Nicole's nurse.  I think we both swallowed our hearts when she said that.  Then she said, "Nicole wanted me to come tell you she wants you to keep the baby but she wants to say good bye to him."  Now, this woman was about 4.5 feet tall and JP bent down and grabbed her with both arms and with tears said, "Oh my, that's the best thing I've ever heard.  I love you!"  I got up and went over to them and we were this big group hug with all 3 of us crying.  I said, "Please tell her I said thank you."  The nurse said, "I can tell that you 2 are very warm and loving people and I'm going to tell her that, also."  So, she took Jensen to Nicole one last time to say goodbye.  We let our family know what was going on and asked everyone to continue to pray that she has strength and peace.
Nicole had one last request and that was that after she said good bye to Jensen, she wanted him to go to the nursery until she was gone.  We were happy to oblige her.  To be quite honest, after holding and loving him, I now know how adoptive parents get extorted by birth parents because I would have easily given her everything I have to take this baby home with us.
Jensen was brought to our room for his first bath, which I'm proud to say Daddy started.  He doesn't deal well with Jensen crying, so when he started screaming, he looked at the nurse and me and said, "Honey, I can't do this.  You are going to have to finish."  Of course, I was happy to step in but I wanted JP to experience that, also.  What a memory!!  And we got it on video, too!!
We were discharged from the hospital after that.  We called the taxi to come take us to the airport to get our rental car.  We thought we gave the taxi guy plenty of time, but he was very impatient with us.  He started running the meter as soon as he got there when JP was loading the car with all of our stuff.  I couldn't leave until I had a wheel chair because that is apparently the rules.  When I got down there, JP said the cab didn't have seat belts in the back.  I said, "WHAT?!?!?!"  So, this taxi driver had me fasten my new baby in the front seat of a crusty cab!  I was so not happy!!  Then, the cab broke down!!!  I seriously can not make this stuff up!  As JP tells it, we were broke down and homeless with a brand new baby in California!!!  The cab driver said he was going to walk to his house and get his own vehicle to jump start the cab.  He wouldn't even use his key to unlock the trunk so we could have our stuff.  All of Jensen's diapers, clothes, formula and everything else we have was in this broken down cab!!!  I went and got a security guard to go stand outside with JP.  As soon as the cab was running, JP reached inside and popped the trunk and started shoveling our stuff out!  The security guard and the receptionist said that it was a federal law for a cab to have working seat belts.  JP brought everything we have back into the hospital lobby where I was with Jensen.  The receptionist took pity on us and used her 15 minute break to drive us over to the hotel that is a block away from the hospital.  I walked into the hotel lobby and said, "We are like Mary and Joseph.  Is there any room at the inn?"  The desk clerk just laughed and we got checked in.
So tomorrow, we are going to get our rental car and go to the place we had originally planned to stay after leaving the hospital.  We have just decided not to get worked up over anything anymore because it isn't worth it.  We have this precious baby and we are going to enjoy him no matter what!
As far as what's next, Nicole has an appointment to sign the legal paperwork tomorrow.  We will legally have custody of him as soon as the state recognizes her relinquishment of parental rights, which should take less than 10 days.  The interstate paper work will also get started tomorrow, which is how we can legally leave California.  At this point, I'm not setting any goals or making any plans.  If I have learned anything over the past couple days, it is that I am not in control here and I am just going with the flow.  We will continue to pray for Nicole as we work through the legal process and try to make our way home.  Please pray with us because another lesson we have learned is that the prayers of God's people are powerful and we are so blessed to have so many faithful people in our lives.
I know this was long but believe it or not, I have left a few things out.  Thank you for keeping up with us and for praying with us.  We are so exhausted but we are going to try to rest and enjoy each other as we wait for approval to come home.

The best laid plans.....

I wonder why I even bother to make plans.....seriously.  As you all know, we are scheduled to fly out of Kansas City tomorrow morning at 9:37.  We are scheduled to arrive in Santa Maria, California, around 5:35pm.  We had planned to meet with Nicole, our birth mom, after we arrived and visit with her, then get our bearings and take a breath before our baby was planned to arrive Friday morning.  As I have come to decide, I had my first experience with "mother's intuition" yesterday.  I emailed Cynthia and simply said I wanted to make sure that the c-section was in fact scheduled for Friday morning, since Nicole first said Thursday morning, then said it would be Friday.  Cynthia called Nicole and emailed me saying the same thing Nicole had told me, c-section Friday at 8:00am.  I told her that that was what Nicole had told me but that I was hoping she would have some sort of documentation to verify the change.  She replied that she would verify the schedule change and get back with me.  She left a message with Nicole's doctor's office and they didn't return her call yesterday.  Cynthia emailed me today saying she called the dr office again and they were to get back with her.
Earlier this afternoon, Nicole was texting me and said that Cynthia was going to call me.  Immediately I went straight to panic mode!!!  I asked if everything was alright and she said yes.  Cynthia called and said there was some sort of miscommunication and the c-section is actually scheduled for tomorrow morning at 8:00.  Well, as I said earlier, our plane doesn't even leave here until after 9!!  I was so angry and believe me, I let her know that.  I won't tell you specifically what I said but I did say that I was extremely angry and disappointed because we have spent a lot of money paying for a service that we were not receiving because of a careless and silly mistake.  I told her that we are going to miss the birth of our baby because someone didn't do their job!  Even as I type this, my blood is beginning to boil.  I can not even begin to describe to you how incredibly angry I am that someone else has messed this up for us.
It would be one thing if there was an emergency and they had to do a c section early but this is just because no one followed up to verify information before I specifically asked.  Cynthia, of course, was very apologetic but never once took responsibility for this mistake.  Before I hung up, I said, "I don't have anything more to say right now so I'm going to hang up."  My mother taught me a long time ago to try not to say something in the heat of the moment that I would have to apologize for later.  So, I just quit talking!!!!
Cynthia said that Nicole was genuinely surprised that there was a mix up because she, too, was thinking she would be having a c section on Friday, so apparently, she was just as rattled as we were by this!  Can you imagine being 9 months pregnant, planning on giving your baby up for adoption and someone says, "Oh wait, you have to do this tomorrow!"  I realize it's only 1 day sooner, but try to swallow that pill when you are in our shoes......or hers.
We purposefully scheduled our flight arrangements to where we would fly directly into Santa Maria for our sanity.  I'm not looking forward to driving in California but Santa Maria has to be better than Los Angeles!!!  When I received this phone call, saying that everything we had planned for was out the window, we were getting ready to go get a water tank set up so someone could take care of our cows while we are gone.  We have a lot of responsibilities and it's not like we can just pack up and go to California.  Not to mention the fact that at the time, I had only Baby JP's bag packed! 
It was several hours later that we actually got the confirmation that tomorrow is the day and by then, it was too late to do anything.  We were basically stuck in limbo, waiting for someone to tell us for sure what was going on.  So, while we waited, we decided to stick with our original travel arrangements.
As you can imagine, I was extremely emotional and sobbed for most of the afternoon.  I knew that I wouldn't be the first person my baby would see, but I sure didn't plan on being so far down the line!  And I guess I'm getting this Mama Bear thing down because I was so worried that he would be lonely as he waited for us.  I called the OB department where he will be born and spoke with one of the nurses.  She assured me that he would receive extra love and hugs until we get there.  I know he won't be stuck in the corner of some dark and dingy nursery but I won't be there and that makes my heart hurt.
I've certainly run the gamut of emotions today, from anger and rage to sadness and then whatever it is I'm feeling now.  I knew this wouldn't be perfect but I kind of had an image in my head of how this would work out and this is not even close to what I was thinking.  I feel so stupid for thinking this would actually go smoothly.  I mean why would that start happening now????
So, as I finish this post up, I ask that you continue to pray for us, for Nicole and for our baby.  Tomorrow will be such a crazy day as fly half way across the country to meet our baby boy.  Pray that this is the only bump in the road for this process and that everything else will go smoothly.  Pray for my sanity and JP's nerves but mostly pray that Baby JP is healthy and doesn't miss us as he waits for our arrival.