Reader's discretion is advised......

Ok, so here's the deal, I'm not going to apologize for how I feel or what I'm about to say. 
So, now's you're chance to click that mouse and back out of this page before you read something that you might potentially disagree with or make you irritated....
Having said that, I am really pissed!  I am so mad that there are people in this world who have children and don't cherish them.  I'm angry at god for letting those people have kids and making us suffer as we try desperately to have a family.  I mean, I'm not asking for a freaking cure for cancer here.  I just want to have a baby and raise a family together with my husband.  This isn't a ridiculous request, in my opinion.  We are pretty responsible adults with a nice home and good jobs.  We can care for a child, financially, emotionally and physically.  When I have to see someone who doesn't have the money to care for their child or chooses cigarettes over their child's well being, I want to shake them and ask, "Do you have any idea how lucky you are?!"
I am so heartbroken and devastated over our situation.  I am trying to put on a brave face and get through my daily activities but there are times when the sadness grips my throat and I can't breath and I feel like I'm going to suffocate from the heartache.  I understand that people don't really know what to say but are trying to be supportive.  But I swear to god, if I hear another person say, "God has a plan for you, just wait and see."  or "Everything happens for a reason."  or better yet, "I know a couple who tried for years to have a baby and they wound up getting pregnant when they least expected it."  I think I will scream or vomit!  These things do NOT help me!!  To be quite honest, I don't really want anything to do with a god whose "plan" for me is make me suffer through the heartache of infertility, take my baby away when I finally do get pregnant on the same day my father-in-law dies then give me one last chance at having my dreams fulfilled, only to not come through in the end.  Sorry, I don't think all of this is some big plan to make me a better person or strengthen my faith.  I also don't think it's helpful to hear, "well, sometimes things don't go the way we planned so we have to trust that it's all in god's hands."  Seriously?  If you know me, then you know that I'm not one to sit around and wait to "see what happens".   I've decided the people who say these things either don't really know what else to say or have never experienced anything trying or devastating in thier own lives.
I don't mind people saying they are thinking and praying for us.  I also had someone tell me today that she enjoyed reading my blogs and thought the text message that JP sent me the day of the pregnancy test showed that we have a great relationship.  When people say those things to me, I feel a little bit of encouragement.  I do know that we have a strong marriage and through all of these experiences we have grown and learned so much about each other. 
I also know that this heartache will not go away overnight.  I truly think that each time I have a negative pregnancy test, it's almost like I have to go through the grieving process all over again.  Obviously, I'm pretty angry right now as I try to sort out what our options are and how we will move past this.  Some days are better than others, but the bad days are still really bad.

Thoughts for today....

Sometimes the uncertainty of not knowing the answer to what you are seeking still brings the peace of having at least 2 possiblities.  When you finally get that answer and you are faced with only 1 possiblity, it suddenly brings to light not only how hopeful you were but how much you miss having the option of 2 outcomes.
Having said that, my nurse called to let us know that the pregnancy test is negative.  As you can imagine, I am completely devastated, heartbroken and filled with sorrow.  I don't understand why this didn't work for us and why we can't have a baby.
I'm so grateful that my friend from work traded days with me today so I don't have to face this news while trying to remain professional.  I am also thankful beyond words for my amazing husband who just sent me a text that said, "As long as I have you, I will be fine.  You're more important to me than any child."
I don't know what this means for our future plans, but I do know that my doctor said this was our last chance at this, unless we use donor eggs, which we aren't prepared, emotionally or financially to explore right now.  We will continue to take this one day at a time and decide what to do from there.
Please continue to pray for us both as the next few days will be very difficult for us both.  Thank you so much for all of your prayers and support up to this point.  It has meant so much to us knowing there have been so many people "rooting" for us.

The waiting game.....

Well, we have waited and waited and waited for a whole week now.  Tomorrow is the big day!  I will go to the hospital for a lab draw pregnancy test in the morning, probably early, since I'm sure I won't be able to sleep well.  The lab will then fax the results to the dr and my nurse will call me with the news.  I'm hoping it will be by noon, but I can't be certain.
I have had such anxiety over this!  I have questioned every thing I have felt, from nausea to cramping.  I told JP the other night that I wished there was a way for me to know for sure right now without having to wait for the pregnancy test.  For those of you who know, you understand that I don't wait well.  I'm not very patient when comes to waiting on something that I want very badly.  So, if nothing else, this is a lesson on patience and taking things one day at a time.
I've tried to relax and not worry, but that is easier said than done!  I've been thinking positive thoughts and praying, almost constantly.  If I could will this to happen for us just by being positive and praying, it would definitely happen for us!!
So, I ask that you continue to pray for us, especially tomorrow morning.  My friend from work suggested we trade days so I'm not trying to concentrate while my mind is wondering.  I will be a nervous wreck until I hear from the nurse!  Good news or not, you will hear from me sometime tomorrow.

Transfer day....

The embryologist finally called this morning, just as we were getting ready to leave to let us know that the embryos had divided.  One embryo was a blastocyst, which is right what it's supposed to be and the other was right behind it in development.  They said we were going to transfer both, so we put our shoes on and headed out the door!
I was so relieved that everything was ok that I cried when I hung up the phone!  Now, JP didn't actually have tears in his eyes, but he did have a quivering lip!  This is such an emotional journey for us, with the super highs and the deep lows, on a daily basis.  My supervisor at work said yesterday that it's so hard to see me get my hopes up then see how I change with the bad news.  Here's hoping we're done with the bad news!!
So, we got down there and I had my valium, which is WONDERFUL!!  They want me to be as relaxed as possible so that the embryo transfer goes smoothly.  My mom is here and she got to go in with us to the transfer room.  We got to see the embryos on a screen before they were loaded into the catheter for the transfer.  It was obvious that there is a difference between the two. 
The actual transfer doesn't take very long and my mom said it was so cool to watch the dr do everything!  After they transfer the embryos into my uterus, they check the catheter to make sure there weren't any embryos left in the tube, which there wasn't.  Then, I had to lie there for 15 minutes, while JP timed me!
I rode home lying in the backseat of the car and fell asleep after my Burger King treat!  Now we're home, I'm in bed and mom's here with me reading her Nook.  I have big plans to do absolutely NOTHING for the next couple of days!!
I will have my first pregnancy test next Wednesday.  It's a loooooong 8 days, but we're praying that it will be worth the wait!!!
Thank you so much for all your prayers and support through this portion of the journey!  It's a tremendous blessing to know there are so many people rooting for us!

Today's news.....

Over the weekend, we got great news!  The embryos had divided, just like they were supposed to and according to the emryologist, they looked "perfect".  Yesterday, 1 had 10 cells and 1 had 8 cells and they expect them to be at 6-8 cells on that day.

Today, the embryologist called and said they hadn't divided again.  This is NOT good news.  She said they "look like they are trying to do something" and that we have to wait and see what today will bring.  If they don't divide, they won't be viable for transfer tomorrow.  She said she will call me in the morning between 7-730 to let me know how they look and we will go from there.

Of course, I'm very discouraged by this news, but I am also trying to stay positive.  We have all day for them to do their work and we are praying they will. 

Please pray for my sanity!  I'm actually at work today, trying to keep my game face on and do a good job after hearing this.

Thanks so much for praying with us!

Saturday's update...

The embryologist called this morning to tell us that both embryos have divided accordingly and there is no fragmentation.  I was ecstatic!  She said, "the look perfect" which made me so happy!
They will call again tomorrow with a report.  So we are praying that they will have the same great news in the morning.  Thank you for praying with us about our embryos!

Friday's update....

The embryologist called this morning to let us know that all 4 eggs were fertilized, however, only 2 embryos made it to today.  I was very discouraged at this news.  I feel like a complete failure.  I've followed all the instructions, done everything exactly the way the dr told me to, and now I've only got 2 embryos, who have to be amazing and make it to Tuesday for transfer.
I'm trying so hard to stay positive, praying for these 2 embryos that they are the strongest.  It's just so hard to stay positive when all my hopes and dreams are literally on the line here.  JP is trying to stay positive, too, but I can tell he's disappointed, which completely breaks my heart!  All I have ever wanted is to have a family and just when I think that might be possible for us, it seems like that dream is moving farther away from us.
So, please pray with us, as my bestie says, that these 2 embryos are tough lil boogers!  They will call in the morning to let us know how they do.

The fab four......

We are home now and my eggs have been retrieved.  There were only 4 mature eggs found in all those follicles.  The dr said that's more than what she expected, so I'm remaining positive.  Initially, the dr said I wouldn't respond to the fertility drugs and I did.  She also warned me that I had a high chance of having to cancel my cycle and not even make it to egg retrieval.  I'm counting myself blessed that my cycle wasn't cancelled and I have 4 eggs.
They will call me tomorrow to let me know how many have been fertilized.  We are praying that these "fab four" will continue to beat the odds and be our blessing.  Please keep praying with us!  We could use all the prayers we can get!!

Egg retrieval eve.....

I have taken all my medications and shots as they were ordered.  I have followed all the directions, so far.  We are in the hotel, trying to relax as the egg retrieval approaches!  Tomorrow is the big day!  We have to be at the hospital in the morning at 7am. 
We will know when we leave the hospital how many eggs were retrieved during the procedure.  I'm pretty nervous and excited, all at once!  Thank God I've got JP!!!

Trigger night.....

Tonight I have to have my "trigger shot" at exactly 9pm.  This medication is for helping the eggs mature for retrieval.  The next step after this is to have my eggs retrieved on Thursday.  We have to be at the hospital at 7am for this, so we are staying in Overland Park tomorrow night.
We will know Thursday before we leave how many eggs were retrieved.  They will then call us Friday to let us know how many have been fertilized.  After that, they will call me every day to tell me how many make it to the next day, until Tuesday, when we will have the embryos transferred back into my uterus.
We thank everyone who has been praying and supporting us!  It is greatly appreciated!!

The Baker's Dozen.....

I had my appointment this morning with the RE for my ultrasound and lab work.  I haven't gotten my lab results back yet but the ultrasound showed 13 follicles!!  That is so amazing!!!!  The follicles that were present on Friday have more than quadrupled in size since then!  There are 2 follicles that are pretty small and the nurse didn't think they would have eggs inside.  It is unlikely that all 13 follicles will hold eggs.  My ovaries are working so hard because of the hormones that are stimulating them that they will actually make empty sacs, in an attempt to produce as many eggs as possible, as they respond to the medications. 
I am anxiously waiting for the nurse to call me with my final medication instructions and details for the egg retreival.  She will also tell me for sure when they plan on doing the egg retrieval.  She said Friday that she thought we would be harvesting the eggs on Wednesday, which I'm hoping for!  I'm getting uncomfortable and ready to move on.  I'm not complaining, just sharing information!  :)