I have several things on my heart, many thoughts for today,
so bear with me as I sort this out…..July 12, 2012 changed our lives forever by
transforming the landscape of our hearts from just 2 adults who loved each
other into 2 people who became parents. What
a day that was! A 22 hour journey across
the country that involved delayed flights, missed connections, freak storms,
multiple landing attempts, fears faced, tears cried, several bouts of panic, an
array of emotions spanning the spectrum of all that was to be felt as we quite
literally fought our way to get to our baby.
This day, Jensen’s birthday, seems to bring back all those emotions in
waves. I’ve learned to not scroll all
the way down on my “On This Day” reminders, starting in June as it approaches. The blog posts and Facebook statuses start
the uprising of all those things I felt and try as I may to push all of that
down, grief still works its way to the surface, despite our best efforts to
contain it. Many of you know what I mean
when I say it comes in waves and sometimes you have no idea it is
approaching. Much like a river that
rises in the night from flooding rains…..it was rolling along peacefully when
you last looked but all of sudden, it’s bank full, near over flowing and
roaring with a current you know is sure to swallow you up. This happened for the first time this year as
we were driving to a 4th of July parade…..I have no idea what I was even
thinking about that brought this on, in fact, I said so as I was talking to
Jon. But out of nowhere, I began to
wonder how he was. That led to this
spiral of questions in my mind as I wondered if he was he going to watch a
parade that day? Did he have a fun red,
white and blue shirt to wear? Would he
get to hold a sparkler or throw some snaps?
Does he like watermelon? Can he
swim? Does he need sunscreen? Is he hungry?
Is he safe? Does he feel
loved? I can’t even type all these
things without crying as my heart breaks to know the answers to these questions
and so much more. I told Jon that day
that although I think of him often, pray for him just as much, I’m never fully
prepare for how those thoughts will make me feel as sometimes I am so overcome
with grief, even after 5 years that it still has the ability to literally take
my breath away. It’s not every time but
the unpredictability of it is what seems to be the most difficult to
handle. I can’t even say that I actually
want that to go away because some of you will understand when I say somehow my
grief keeps me connected to him and if it’s gone completely, then what will I
have left?
Fast forward to yesterday, July 11, 2017, when I was able to
(yes, you read that correctly, I said “able to”….I’ll explain in a bit) take
Jase to see a pediatric cardiologist at Children’s Mercy hospital in Kansas
City. I discovered he had an irregular
heart rhythm the morning of his adenoid removal surgery and when we followed up
with his primary doctor, he also discovered a new heart murmur, so that got us
a referral to the cardiologists at Children’s Mercy. In my head, I knew that both of these things
are common in littles and usually without incident but in my heart, this is my
baby and like most of my nurse mommy friends, I kind of lose all sense of
reason when it comes to him! So, my
nerves got the best of me and I found myself praying almost constantly that we
would have a good report and he would be healthy. Back to when I say I was “able” to take him
to see the specialist, I mean that I am thankful both of these things were
recognized in a controlled environment and not due to an emergent
situation. I am thankful this all took
place in less than 3 weeks’ time, from diagnosis to referral to being seen by
the cardiologist. I am thankful that
this occurred during the summer, when my job allows me the freedom to deal with
these things without rearranging my schedule and that my sister in law, Diane,
was able to go with us. I am thankful
that we live close enough to a children’s hospital that this could easily be
taken care of in a morning instead of having to travel and plan for days to
deal with such things. I am thankful I
have a reliable vehicle to make the 150 mile round trip journey without
thinking twice about it. I’m so
incredibly thankful we received a good report from the 3 cardiologists we saw
yesterday who agreed that this was all likely related to the obstruction caused
by his adenoids and as his body adjusts to them being gone, this is expected to
resolve.
One thing is for sure, your life and circumstances will
quickly come into perspective if you ever have to make a trip to a children’s
hospital! We, the JP’s, are truly
blessed, that’s for sure. As we rode the
elevator down to the parking garage to come home, I became acutely aware that
we had a much different diagnosis than most people who were there. My healthy, active 4 year old was walking to
the car for himself and we were going home together. So many parents leave that place without
their babies, some for the time during their stay while they are being cared
for and others for good, to make funeral arrangements. Many parents ride that same elevator up to
the hospital, begging God for just one more day with their precious little one
and asking for strength to carry on as they try to juggle life while working,
caring for other children and navigating the struggles of a sick child. The severity of all of this was not lost on
me yesterday and as walked out to our car in that hot parking garage, I thanked
God for all He has blessed us with.
As we got in the car, I told Diane that I had some panic and
feelings of anxiety earlier when we were getting out as I realized how hot it
was in the parking garage, with no air moving and the fact that we were what
felt like deep in the ground. She asked
if I was claustrophobic and I told her I didn’t realize I was but I guessed
so. After we got home, I was thinking
about how I felt so anxious in that parking garage and wondered why it bothered
me so much…..then as though I had a visible light bulb over my head that just
flickered on, I remembered with clarity the parking garage in Pismo Beach,
California, where Jon held me as I could no longer stand while I cried out
after the baby boy I had to give back to his birth mother. And I realized it wasn’t claustrophobia but
rather my subconscious remembering the sorrow my heart has tried to overcome
since that day. Its weird how the mind
makes these associations for us that we sometimes aren’t really aware of……I
knew yesterday would be stressful and today would be sad but I wasn’t prepared
for the 2 of them to intertwine, in a parking garage at that.
I’ve kind of been all over the place here, but I did warn
you to bear with me. Today, on Jensen’s
5th birthday, I continue to ask those questions and wonder about him like I do
all year long. I was tearful this
morning as I remembered a text conversation I had with Nicole, his birth
mother, just a few weeks before he was born.
She had sent me a text, asking if I could wire her money so she could
buy her oldest son a birthday cake and a present because she couldn’t afford
either of those things. My heart was
broken….who can’t afford a cake mix and frosting from the grocery store with a
few candles on top? I desperately wanted
to comply with her request but didn’t want to break any of the rules that had
been given to us regarding the exchange of money between us and her. Not a single birthday of his has passed when
I have not spent most of the day wondering if he is being celebrated. I wonder if he feels like this is his special
day and if he goes to bed tonight with a heart full of happiness, completely
exhausted from having spent the day surrounded by those who love and treasure
him. I wonder if he has a favorite toy
or lovey that he sleeps with. What’s his
favorite show? Favorite food? Favorite shirt? How tall is he? Does he know his alphabet and can he count to
20? Did he get to go to preschool? Will he be ready to start kindergarten this
fall? Does he like his back rubbed when
he falls asleep? Does he snore? Does he still take naps? Does he have bad dreams? Will he ever know about us and how much we
love him? My prayers for him have always
been centered on the same things, that he is never hungry or cold, that he is
always safe and healthy and that he would know he is precious and loved. It is so very hard to love someone from a
distance, without being able to see them.
I asked Jon last night if he knew what the date was today
and of course, he said yes. Jase piped
up and said, “Is tomorrow someone’s birthday? Are we having cake?” My voice caught in my throat as I tried to
quickly sort through what I was thinking and how to answer him. He can be so perceptive for such a little guy
and good grief, I love him for that! I
couldn’t answer him, though…..I didn’t know what to say. How do you say to a 4
year old who is constantly asking for a baby brother that today is the birthday
of the boy who would have been our son?
I can’t understand it myself, how can I expect him to?
People have said, when talking about us, “Just think, if you
had Jensen, you wouldn’t have Jase.”
While on the face of it, that seems logical, my heart rejects this
conclusion and would very much like to live in a world where we have them
both….2 brown eyed, rough and rowdy boys, 10 months apart who are inseparable,
the best of friends, living each day as an adventure, filled with love for each
other, for us and for the family that loves them dearly. That, my friends, would be the perfect world
for me. Where there are 4 JP’s and our
house is overflowing with all things boy!
No comments:
Post a Comment